Join the Movement: Second Class Infertile

It's National Infertility Awareness Week. As usual, I'm overwhelmed with work, back issues, and a volatile three year old. For NIAW, I want to talk about age related infertility. It been on my mind a lot lately as I've been practically tearing my hair out reading messages on a listserve I belong to for women in their 40s who are single moms by choice, or attempting to become moms. The denial is through the roof! Another blogger and I have been emailing off list, and occasionally responding as voices of reason. So many women are convinced (or want to be convinced) that the odds don't apply to them. That the EXTREMELY rapid decline in fertility once a woman passes 40 can't really be true, because their grandmother, aunt, and Halle Berry, are proof that it's possible. Possible, yes. Likely, no. But we are blessed to live in a time that offers older women options. But with those options comes the need to really examine and choose where to use your resources.

Last Summer I wrote a post for Band Back Together about perceptions, community, and age related infertility. I'm reposting it here for NIAW.

Advanced maternal age. AMA. That’s what it says on my chart.

That’s my infertility diagnosis - the same diagnosis that blames the patient. I must have been too busy with my high-powered career while my fertility declined month after month. I must have crazy, unrealistic standards for a husband/father of my child, and that’s why I was pursuing fertility treatments as a single woman in my 40's.

Every time the New York Times runs an article on infertility, the comment section is filled with comments about picky career women who wait too long to start their families. We are not worthy of insurance coverage, they say. We are not worthy of treatments, they say. We should accept that time has passed us by.

Honestly, those comments don’t bother me much. The ones that get to me; the ones that sting, are the comments from other infertiles. They proclaim proudly that they are not like me - they are young and infertile, not like those women.

OUCH!

I could explain my long history of bad luck with relationships, but there’s really no point. Suffice to say, I’m very grateful that none of those men is the father of my child.

When I was younger, I assumed I would marry and have a child by the time I was 30. In addition to the pain of failed relationships, there has been the sometimes agonizing longing for a child. Trying to have a child on my own in my 40's was hard - really hard. I went to all my doctor appointments alone. After each failed (or cancelled) cycle, I cried alone. I did every single injection myself. I researched treatments and options myself.

I did finally succeed - I became pregnant at the age of 45 with donor embryos, and gave birth to my daughter when I was 46 years old.

When I read the defensive comments on NYT articles and elsewhere from younger women dealing with infertility, I want to say, “We’re not really so different.”

Infertility hurts. Let’s not allow the media and ignorant commenters divide us.

I have been so lucky to have received so much support from women in the ALI community, yet I have never seen a young woman defend an older infertile woman when the barbs fly in the media. I may not know how it feels to be told in your 20's or 30's that you’re infertile, and you may not know how it feels to long for a child as long as I did, but we all know infertility sucks balls.

Can't we support each other, regardless of our stories?

For more info about infertility and National Infertility Awareness Week, check out these links from RESOLVE:

Infertility 101

About National Infertility Awareness Week

The Sound of Hope Book Tour

Even thought I haven't really had the time to post, I signed up for this book tour hosted by Lori. I'm relieved to read that other participants had time constraints as well, but I'm glad I signed on for this. Turns out I have lots of opinions and feelings about the subject. The book, The Sound of Hope: A True Story of an Adoptee's Quest for her Origins by Ann Bauer, is her account of growing up during the closed adoption era, and her search for her first parents. I am not part of an adoption triad. I am not an adoptee, a first mother, or an adoptive parent, but I have read quite a bit from those with firsthand experience with adoption. I am the mother of a child through an open embryo donation. Even though the situation is very different, there are lessons to be learned. Of course, I have also read and listened to what donor conceived people feel about their origins and secrecy, but adoption has a longer history and is much more widespread, so the adoption community where I often look for inspiration to help my daughter navigate her feelings about her origins.

Now for my answers to questions posed by other bloggers. (Admission: I just didn't have time to come up with any questions to add to the mix, but I love the thoughtful questions everyone came up with.)

1. There are many instances in which the people around Anne do not acknowledge her feelings about her adoption status. These instances range from her parents, especially her mother, her fiancee, her fiancee's parents, and even her birth mother.  Do you think these instances occurred because of the general outlook on adoption at the time, and do you think that this outlook has improved over time?

I do think it had to do with the outlook at the time. I think it's changed somewhat, but there's still a ways to go. I think this also relates to a question in the other set of questions about the way adoptions were matched based on physical similarity. This is very common with egg donation today. It's not even questioned. In my opinion, this opens the door to the possibility of secrecy. And secrecy is never in the best interests of the child. Secrecy is never about the child's feelings.

I had a hard time with the sections of the book where the people around Anne discounted or minimized her feelings. I grew up with a mother who felt she knew how I should feel about things, and would tell me I was wrong, and I should not feel the way I did. It hurt. It still hurts. (She still does it now and then.) Anne, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I applaud you for standing up to them all and demanding that your feelings be respected. Because of my experiences, and maybe just because I'm a different kind of person, respecting and honoring Sunshine's feelings has always been a high priority.

2. A variety of words are used to describe family in this book: mother, father, adoptive mother, adoptive father, biological relative, original family, first mother, birth mother, and even bionic mother (her Dad's word). Did you notice this word choice, and if so, what impact did it have on your reading?

Yes, I noticed the word choice. I tend to notice word choice regarding family in general. I thought "bionic mother" reflected her father's mixed feelings about her search. I've chosen to refer to Sunshine's donor siblings as simply her brother and sister, as this seems to be the preferred language among donor siblings. A few months ago I was talking with one of my neighborhood mom friends. We were talking about Sunshine's origins, and about another mom and the son their family adopted. Then the discussion moved on to red hair, and how since it is recessive it needs to be on both sides genetically. She mentioned a friend who has a reheaded child even though neither parent has red hair. She then said, "And I know they're the real parents." I took a deep breath and said that I know she didn't mean it that way, but it would be more appropriate to have said, "I know they're the genetic parents." I reminded her that I am Sunshine's REAL mother and that our friend who is an adoptive parent is her son's REAL mother. She was horribly embarrassed, but I told her it was better that she made the error with me, and I was sure she wouldn't make that mistake again. Words matter. A lot. 

3. In the Afterword, Anne says "If children are to be told they're adopted, then society needs to embrace the full consequences of the truth." Does this statement subtly give "society" a pass, suggesting that perhaps children should not be told? What do you make of her assertion that "when children are kept in the dark regarding their origins, nobody wins."? What about her brothers, who never searched for their own origins? Is this "uncuriosity" normal? Acceptable? Preferable?

"Does this statement subtly give "society" a pass, suggesting that perhaps children should not be told?" I hope not. I'm curious to hear Anne's response to that, since she's the only one who can say what she meant when she wrote that.

"What do you make of her assertion that "when children are kept in the dark regarding their origins, nobody wins."?" I agree. Secrets keep us apart. Love and honesty bind us together. 

"What about her brothers, who never searched for their own origins? Is this "uncuriosity" normal? Acceptable? Preferrable?" It does seem, anecdotally, that boys/men seem less compelled to search. Normal? What's normal? Acceptable? Of course. if one is to respect curiosity, one needs to also respect "uncuriosity". Preferable? My gut response is no. Just looking at Anne's family, her brothers' "uncuriosity" appears steeped in guilt, anger, and resentment. No, that's not preferable.

I'm glad I read the book and pushed myself to find the time to put my thoughts together. This post is one I'd be happy to have my daughter read someday and discuss together. I'm going to try to find the time to comment on the other thoughtful posts.

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at LavenderLuz.com.

Hilarity and Advice Request

My child is truly hilarious. At the ripe age of 3, she has comic timing down. Her delivery can be deadpan. And not because she doesn’t realize she’s saying something funny. She knows she’s being funny, she LOVES making me laugh, and can deliver it without cracking up. For instance, the other night we were cuddling at bedtime, and out of the blue she says, “Mommy, take off my fingers.”

“What?!”

“Take off my fingers,” she repeated emphatically.

“But how will you do things,” I asked. “How will you eat?”

“With a fork.” Not missing a beat.

“How will you hold your fork?”

She tossed the covers off her legs, stuck her feet in the air, and declared, “With my feet.”

“How will you play with your toys?”

“With my feet.”

“Okay. So, every time you want to eat or play or do anything, you’ll have to take off your shoes and socks?”

“Yeah!”

See? Hilarious!

 On the other hand, she is a normal three year old, and the latest phase of meltdowns and tantrums are a bitch. It’s suddenly hard to go into stores with her, as she wants whatever catches her eye. She tells me “You MEAN and you WRONG!” if she doesn’t get her way. Not fun. Yet, I’m not having as hard a time with it as the tantrum phase that hit just before she turned two. I’m more confident about handling it. I’m not embarrassed by her meltdowns. She recently had one at our local Wa1greens, where they know her, because I wouldn’t buy her a plastic shovel she wanted. There were four employees by the register as she flung herself to the floor, screaming and crying. They know her by name. “Sunshine, cut it out and listen to your mommy!” The village is everywhere.

Now for the advice request. One of our cats will be leaving us in the near future. Our Woohoo (formerly known as Wilson) has a tumor in the sinus area on one side. His nose is almost completely blocked on that side and he’s got a constant sinus infection, despite being on antibiotics for a month and a half solid. It’s just not an operable area on a kitty. Thankfully, he’s still eating, drinking, and hanging out for cuddles. He’s definitely not his usual self, but he’s not miserable enough to make the call to euthanize yet. I’m looking for books to help Sunshine prepare for and deal with his death. I’m looking for suggestions for books that deal with it in a secular way. I bought her this book when she started asking questions about death recently. I like it, but I want something that will be specifically about losing a pet, but without discussing heaven or religion. I bought this book, and although I like the way it handles the question of belief systems, I don’t think she’s old enough to understand the concepts. I’ve started to prepare her a bit by saying that I don’t think Woohoo is going to get better. That we have to take good care of him, give him his medicine and wipe his drippy nose, and just be extra gentle and loving. This REALLY sucks. Anyway, suggestions would be appreciated.

Sunshine and Woohoo napping together (OMG!) two years ago

With Love From Our Little Family

Much to say, no time. But here's our Valentine. Mwah!

Dark Thoughts & Avoidance

It feels wrong to finish my overdue third birthday post without saying something about the Connecticut school shooting. I have for the most part avoided news stories and blog posts. But a few bloggers have addressed it better than I can.

I really related to this from Mel in a post that was only partly about Sandy Hook:

"I’ve been trying not to think about the event itself, looking at the coverage out of the corner of my eye.  Do you know that is a preemie survival technique?  Their brains become so overwhelmed from stimulation that they cope by looking at things out of the corner of their eye instead of head-on.  So I am looking at the events at Sandy Hook out of the corner of my eye, trying to distract myself."

Maybe it’s because I was a preemie, but more likely because as Mel’s husband Josh said, "sending our children to school has always been an act of faith." Every day I send my precious daughter out into the world while I go to work. She is in the care of teachers who love her, as were the children of Newtown. As she grows older, I will have to allow her more and more freedom in the world. In order to manage fears that could easily explode out of control, I sometimes need to put my blinders on. 

I also found myself agreeing with this post I came across and this post of Jen’s that Mel listed in a Roundup.

As for how to prevent/minimize these types of horrific crimes, this post made a lot of sense to me, even though I think some of the ideas are unrealistic. If even some of them were implemented, the world would be somewhat safer. And, really, that's the best we can do.

Perfect Moment Monday: CHOCOLATE!

I’ve started Sunshine’s birthday letter, and I’ve got a few things running through my head about the recent tragedy in Connecticut, but I’ve been too busy, or too tired and overwhelmed to get those together. So I thought I’d post a quickie for Lori’s Perfect Moment Monday.

I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt and sadness that I often miss terrific photo opportunities, but I know it’s generally because I’m right there in the moment with my girl. Even when I do take some pictures, it might be 5 or 10 pictures instead of a dozen or so. My Perfect Moment, for instance. I took Sunshine to a chocolate workshop last week. For the first part I was too involved with helping her to take my camera or phone out of my pockets. I wish I’d thought to hand my camera to an employee, but I did get a few winners later. Most importantly, Sunshine had a BLAST! It was awesome watching her have so much fun.

Wishing you a wonderful 2013 from our little family.

 

Post Sandy Update & Get Out And Vote Video

I know, not the best post title, but it’s been a week! We were fine during the hurricane. We had a few flickering lights Saturday night, but never lost power. The worst we had to deal with was toddler cabin fever. It’s going to be a long Winter!

Our neighborhood really came together. An alternative Halloween activity was quickly organized. The kids had a great time. Then the community came together to help fellow New Yorkers who didn’t fair as well. A few kids started out by setting up a table by our playground and offering manicures for donations for Sandy relief efforts, then a little bake sale popped up. By the weekend, tons of donations were being collected, and driven to Rockaway and Staten Island, The bake sale grew, and hot food and drinks were for sale to help the effort. Thousands of dollars were raised, calls were made to find out what was needed most, and trips to Home Depot were made to purchase requested vital items to bring to the devastated areas. It was heartening to walk around Sunday afternoon and see the huge piles of donations, people enjoying homemade baked goods for a good cause, and the adorable girls, still giving manis. Sunshine helped me fill a couple of bags with warm clothes, shoes, boots, and toys.

Now our video. I probably should have started sooner teaching Sunshine to pronounce our President’s name. Oh, well. GO! VOTE!