My Preconceived Notion

HELP! Mom Advice, Please. QUICK!

2011-12-02T00:25:00.002-05:00

Okay. I'm 48 years old and I'm hosting a child's birthday party on Saturday for the first time in my life! What the hell can I get for the damn goodie bags? Seriously, I hate them. I've given Sunshine a lollipop from a goodie bag, then discretely "forgetten" the rest. But everybody does it. I've had moms tell me they like picking out the plastic crap, because the kids love it so much. Part of the challenge is that there will be a somewhat wide age range of kids. A 3 month old, an 18 month old, three 2 year olds (including mine (you've got give your own kid a goodie bag so they won't freak out)), a 3 year old, a 4 year old, and a 10 year old. I'm not planning on giving a goodie bag to the 3 month old.

What can I get that's ~~cheap~~ budget conscious, isn't made in China, and might appeal to a wide age range. I'm taking a vacation day tomorrow to get everything ready. I plan to hit the local discount stores (of which we have many, I live in the land of the mom and pop dollar stores) for decorations, plates, napkins, etc. in the morning after dropping off Sunshine at daycare. Then grocery shopping. I can go out for goody bag crap probably early afternoon. Help me, internetz!!

Any other ~~cheap~~ budget conscious toddler party ideas would also be welcome.

TWO!!!!

2011-11-30T16:55:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday my precious, precious girl! (A day late.)

I can’t believe my tiny baby is TWO! A big girl who loves her kitties and her friends, who can run around and climb playground equipment, and who will tell anyone who’ll listen about “hawsies” that go “uppy down.”

Two years ago I was making my way to the hospital for your arrival. My birthday letter to you last year was about a baby. I don’t have a baby anymore. In your second year of life you became a toddler. A little girl. Your words started coming, and now you are learning new ones every day. You love to sing and dance, and you are SO funny! I wrote last year about your sense of humor. Little did I know! You started making jokes almost as soon as you could talk. One of your first words was cat. Then you called all animals “cat.” Even once you surely knew better. You would point to all the dogs in our neighborhood and shout, “CAT!” But you knew better. You’d get this little gleam in your eyes when you’d say it. Sometimes you would do the sign for dog, and say cat. Sometimes, to let you know I got your joke, I’d say, “Oh, Sunshine, you know that’s a doggie.” And you would smile and point again, and say, “CAT, CAT, CAT!” Now, of course, you know what so many animals are called. Your elephant impression, complete with your arm as the trunk, is adorable. A few carousel rides, and you’re obsessed with “hawsies!”

Right now Mommy is nervous about your upcoming surgery. On December 16th, you’re scheduled to have your tonsils and adenoids removed and ear tubes put in your ears. I’m so sorry that Mommy is distracted by this right now. I know you need this, but Mommy hates the idea of you being in pain. When you are older Mommy will show you a video of how loud your snoring was, and that you had sleep apnea because your adenoids and tonsils were so big. And as much as I’m dreading this, I’m looking forward to you hearing better. Right now, because of the constant fluid in your middle ears, you have about a 20-30% hearing loss. So, although you understand EVERYTHING, your speech is sometimes garbled. Soon you will be much easier to understand, and we will both be less frustrated. I know you have a lot to say!

You are a smart, sassy, affectionate, strong-willed, little girl. Strangers practically swoon when you smile at them. Last week, when you ran behind the counter at Starbux, I apologized to the barista, who said, “It’s okay. She’s so cute, she can have whatever she wants.” And he gave you a free goodie. You are so loved! And you know it! You have a confidence that I imagine comes from feeling so cherished. I hope you never lose that.

You still sometimes give me a hard time with diaper changes. Seriously, sometimes you scream so loudly someone might think I’m torturing you instead of just wiping poop off your tush. You are so smart and funny, but you are also a typical toddler in some ways. Your favorite words are NO and MINE! NO sometimes seems like your default answer to any question. But when I offer you something you want, your eyes light up, and you give me an enthusiastic “YEAH!”

At some point I think you might notice that you don’t have as many toys as some of your friends. I’m writing this for you to read when you’re older, and I want you to know and understand that this is a conscious choice. Even though it’s fun to give you new toys, I would rather you have toys that you really love and enjoy, than an overabundance. Yesterday we went to a play date at a friend’s house and you emptied a LARGE plastic bin of toys one at a time and didn’t play with any of them. This reinforced my belief that more is sometimes less. You certainly have plenty to play with at home, and never seem bored. I think not having so many toys spurs you to use your imagination. I love watching your imagination develop.

Oh, my sweet girl! I could go on and on, but I’ll just finish by saying that you are my joy. My life went from gray to technicolor with your arrival. Your smile, your laughter, your hugs and kisses … THE BEST!

With all my love forever,

Mommy

I Need To Work On This

2011-10-17T11:18:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was a toddler rollercoaster of a day. Almost two is hard … for both of us. Sunshine started off the day in destructo toddler mode. All her books thrown on the floor, then all her wooden puzzles, the pieces thrown all over, then she started throwing around her mega blocks. At one point I picked up her puzzles and put them back on her bookshelf. “Noooooooooooooo!” she screamed, and threw them all over the floor again.

My awesome 10 year old mother’s helper came over at 10:15. We have a great arrangement. She comes over for two hours on Sunday mornings and plays with Sunshine in her room (with the door closed so she can’t see mommy), so I can get some chores done. She gets $5 an hour for this. It’s awesome! Yesterday I didn’t really do much in the way of chores, I relaxed a bit with my coffee, took a shower, and got myself ready to go out without a toddler hanging on me. At the end of the two hours Sunshine’s room was tidy, and she’d had a great time.

I gave Sunshine lunch, organized the diaper bag, and off we went for the afternoon. Yesterday was the Bolivian Day parade in our neighborhood, so we watched the dancers for a while, which she loved, then hit the subway. I was hoping she’d nap on the way to Manhattan, but no go. I'd told her in the morning that I would take her to ride a horsey on a carousel. She kept excitedly saying “horsey!” But when we got within sight of the carousel in Bryant Park, she started bouncing like crazy in her stroller, pumping her fists, shouting “HORSEY!!” She had a great time! She rode the carousel THREE times! I was planning to move on after the second ride, but she had a poopy diaper, and I convinced her to cooperate with the diaper change by telling her if she cooperated she could ride a horsey again. Shortly after this she finally fell asleep in her stroller. It was about 3:25. Late for her nap, but my plan was to keep moving, so she wouldn’t take too long a nap so close to bedtime. (At daycare she reliably naps from 12:30 to 2:30. On the weekends, all bets are off. She fights naps like they are the devil.) While she was asleep we headed uptown and with her both napping, then awake, we wandered around the Upper West Side.

We really had a lovely afternoon out together. It was a perfect Autumn afternoon. She’d had enough of the stroller on the subway ride home, but I managed to entertain her well enough that she didn’t melt down. When we got home, Sunshine’s friend who lives around the corner came over with her mom for a brief play date. She started throwing things on the floor again. Grrr!

After they left (mini meltdown when they left, as Sunshine HATES goodbyes), I was getting her dinner ready. In my defense regarding what came next, the pain killer I’d taken for my back earlier in the day had worn off, and I try not to take more than one a day, so I was in pain, tired, and hungry. There was a container with food I’d just warmed up on the kitchen table. I turned just in time to see Sunshine grab it off the table. “Nooooooooooo!” I screamed. But it was too late. The food was all over the floor, and splashed on the table and chair legs. I kind of lost it. I yelled at Sunshine about how she needed to listen better. I told her to go to her room (mainly to keep her from walking through the mess while I cleaned it up). I am not proud of the way I yelled at her while I cleaned up the mess. Dinnertime was not easy. We were both cranky. Bedtime wasn’t too bad. We had some good cuddling, and she was really tired, so went to sleep fairly easily.

It wasn’t until a couple of hours later, when I’d decompressed a bit that the guilt and remorse crept in. She’s not even two years old yet. Kids spill things. Yes, she probably knew she shouldn’t have grabbed the container, but she didn’t spill it on purpose. Unlike the way she was throwing things around her room, this was an accident. Mom fail.

This morning I talked to her about it. I told her I knew she didn’t do it on purpose and said I was sorry I yelled at her. She patted my face and gave me a hug. I hope she understood my apology.

SMC’s 30th Anniversary Celebration/Conference

2011-10-06T11:11:00.000-04:00

The Single Moms by Choice organization is celebrating its 30th anniversary with a conference in New York City October 14-16th. Are you going? I would love to meet up with SMC bloggers and their children. I'm particularly looking forward to the panel of adult children of SMCs. I look forward to learning some things from them about how to talk to Sunshine about our special family. Also looking forward to meeting Wendy and Ryan Kramer, the founders of the Donor Sibling Registry, who will be speaking on a panel.

Please email me or leave a comment here if you'll be attending.

Perfect Moment Monday: “I Yuv You”

2011-09-27T21:42:00.000-04:00

OH! EM! GEE! TODDLERS!!! They're crazy, little maniacs. By the time I get my Sunshine to sleep I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. The wailing because I dare to try to wipe the crap off her tush! Then, on the floor, bare-assed, screaming and crying because I want her to get in the tub. The screeches of “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” when it’s time to get out of the tub. But then there are the heart melting moments.

I'm so glad Lori has revived Perfect Moment Monday. I want to write this one down. A treasure of a moment.

Saturday evening I was standing at the kitchen counter getting Sunshine’s dinner ready. She climbed onto a kitchen chair (I HATE the climbing, but these chairs are very heavy and would be hard to tip), stood there holding onto the chair back and called to me.

“Mommy! Mommy!”

“Yes, Sunshine.”

“I yuv you.”

Totally perfect!

BTW, this is the very first time she's said this unprompted. With prompting, she will say, "Yuv you," but this was all her initiative, and a full sentence including the proper pronoun. I'm so proud! OH! I love this girl so much!

"Hey! I had a chocolate cookie in my hand just a second ago. Where did it go?"

September 12th

2011-09-12T17:07:00.000-04:00

I thought about writing a post this weekend. Nap time isn't long enough, and I'm to wiped out after Sunshine gets to sleep. We stayed close to home this weekend, and Sunshine probably got a few more hugs and kisses than usual.

I avoided much of the tv coverage. I haven't read many of the blog posts. Although, the few I did read mention watching the events of that day and crying. Not me. I watched in horror. Then I went down there to help. Still no tears. I spend quite a bit of time volunteering at Ground Zero, and honestly, I don't ever remember seeing tears. Anguish, horror, fatigue, shock, but no tears. It took me a year to shed those tears. They rolled down my face on the first anniversary when I saw the empty pit. The pit that had been a pile of burning, smoking rubble, many stories high. I watched just a little of the ceremony yesterday morning. I held Sunshine for as long as she would allow me, and my eyes filled with tears as I listened to voices cracking with emotion as the names were read. I listened for the name of a friend's brother-in-law, who they believe died at the moment of the second plane's impact. Then I shut the tv.

Here is the post I wrote for Mel's One Hundred Words Project on September 11th, 2008. And here's a longer post I wrote on September 12th, 2008. Also, please click over to read this amazing post by Journeywoman. It's stuck with me for three years.

Oh, and I received an interesting phone call at about a quarter to ten last night. Not sure I'll write about it, but you might be able to figure out who called from my 2008 post.

And The Painted Ponies Go Up And Down

2011-09-09T16:17:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe my tiny baby will be 2 years old in less than 3 months. After posting her cranky picture, I thought I'd show you more of my happy girl. She really is such a happy toddler. She wakes up with a big smile in the morning. It's so easy to make her giggle. Sunshine truly is a fitting blog name for her. She is radiant.

Her first carousel ride in Central Park. I took a bunch of pictures before the ride started, then held her for most of the ride.

Once she seemed secure on the horse, I stepped back a bit and took this video.

I love this picture. She's so happy at the playground.

Don't you just want to smooch her like crazy?

She LOVES the penguins at the Central Park Zoo.

How cute is she strutting around the playground with her purse?

Temper Tantrum? I’ve Got Your Number Little Girl.

2011-09-08T17:01:00.001-04:00

I’m not writing this to brag. I know I’m very lucky that Sunshine’s temper tantrums are generally minor, and that that could change at any time. I’m writing this because I want to remember these moments. I love when Jen blogs about moments she wants to remember. And how cool is it that I was able to turn my girl’s toddler anger into giggles.

We are totally in temper tantrum territory. She’s right on target with this delightful stage of development. As I said, I’m very lucky that her tantrums are usually transitory, and she’s usually easily distracted (all hail the power of the goldfish cracker). Last night Sunshine had a meltdown when I tried to change her poopy diaper. She is so not ready for potty training. She used to ignore me when I asked her if she had a poopy diaper, now she lies about it.

Shortly after we got home I got a whiff of that telltale aroma. I asked her if she made a poopy. She angrily replied, “NO!” I said, “I smell a poopy. Do you have a poopy in your diaper? “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” And she ran from my bedroom into the kitchen. I followed her to pick her up to change the diaper and she flopped face down on the floor, kicking and yelling, “NOOOOOO!” I looked down at her and calmly said, “I know you’re angry. Go ahead and yell. I’m still going to change your diaper.” This really made her mad. She sat up and raised her hand to hit me. I backed up out of reach and laughed. She got up off the floor and tried to hit me again, although she had a little smile on her face. I backed up some more, then laughed again and turned and ran from the kitchen to the bedroom. She followed me, giggling like crazy. Then let me change her diaper without further outbursts.

And then this morning, she took her sneakers off about 3 minutes after I put them on. I told her I was going to put her in her high chair to brush her hair and put on her sneakers. (Her high chair is the easiest place to contain her to do her hair.) “NOOOOOOO! Again, on the floor. I reached for her to pick her up, as I didn’t have time to let her scream for a while. She sat up and scooted away from me. She wound up sitting against the kitchen wall. I approached her, wiggling my fingers in the universal tickling gesture, saying, “I’m gonna get you!” She starting laughing even before I started tickling. Crisis averted, shoes on, hair brushed, sweater on, ready to leave for daycare and work.

She’s also just started a new phase of, to use an archaic phrase, sounding like a broken record. “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy … hi.” OMG! How long does this last?

This is actually from 3 months ago. She's changed a lot since then, but I thought the photo fit the post. I was trying to take her picture, since she looks so cute in this outfit. She was NOT in the mood.

Hypocrisy and Choice

2011-08-22T22:47:00.002-04:00

I know, I know. I haven’t blogged properly in forever. The intent is there, but between work stress, financial stress, minor, but cumulative physical stuff, and a very active toddler, when I have free time in front of the computer I just sort of space out and read. I fully intend to write a real update, with photos and video (although that would involve getting the files off the camera’s memory card), but this topic has been rattling around in my brain since I read Mel’s and Julie’s posts about the twin reduction article in the New York Times Magazine. I started writing comments in my head to both posts, but shortly realized I had quite a lot to say. I debated whether to post this or not, and probably will be debating with myself until I click on “Post.” I write this knowing I may lose readers. (Even though I know I haven’t been writing much for anyone to read, it’s nice to know there are a bunch of people who check in and are pleased to see something new here.)

As to what I thought of the article, meh. Jjiraffe’s post about the NYT and infertility nails it quite well. I know that people have very strong feelings about selective reduction, particularly twin to singleton reductions. I was a little surprised by the comments on Mel’s and Julie’s posts saying they didn’t understand why someone would transfer more than one embryo if they were not willing to parent multiples. I was glad to see others speak up about the long infertility/loss journey and the desperation that led to their decision about how many embryos to transfer.

In my own case, the decision was made based on the questionable quality of the donor embryos that were frozen on day two, and was made after discussions with my RE and the embryologist. My RE transferred three embryos on my first FET and I did not get pregnant. After further discussions, the decision was made to transfer four at my second transfer. All throughout my journey to get pregnant I considered and researched possible scenarios. I knew that if I needed to reduce for any reason, Dr. Evans and Dr. Stone (referred to and quoted in the article) were my best choices for a safe outcome. I believe I saw Dr. Stone bring a patient into the recovery room when I was there after my polypectomy. I assume it was a complicated reduction, as it was in the hospital, and the woman was somewhat sedated. The woman was wheeled in on a gurney and once settled, looked up at her doctor and said, “Thank you for not being judgmental.” In my own haze from the lovely IV pain meds, I thought to myself, that must be Dr. Stone. I’m not going to say what I would have done if I’d become pregnant with more than one. No matter how much one has thought about and researched something, I think it’s impossible to know for sure until you move from theoretical to reality. Let’s just say I was very happy to see one heartbeat on my first ultrasound. There was a second sac visible, but it was empty. My OB referred to it as a vanishing twin at my first appointment.

So why do I feel I need to write about this article? First of all, as I’ve written before, I am staunchly pro choice. I also personally know three women who’ve undergone twin to singleton reductions. One was due to dire medical necessity, one was for a combination of medical and social reasons, and one was for social reasons. I kind of feel “social” should be in quotes, as it can encompass so much. Financial considerations, physical considerations (i.e., older parents), lack of support system (i.e., single mom without nearby family), etc. I support these women in their decisions. I know they were not made glibly. It stings when I hear damning judgment of their choice. It stings because I could have easily been in their shoes. It stings because I know their reductions shredded them emotionally. They will have a raw spot in their hearts for the rest of their lives. Yet, I know each of them believes they made the right decision for their families.

I spent a lot of time talking on the phone, emailing and texting with my friend who reduced for “social” reasons when she was deciding what to do. She’s a single mom by choice in her mid forties. Oh, and she’s a twin herself. I told her several times during her decision making process that whatever she decided, it would be the right decision. I pointed her to the blog of a friend who wrote about reducing her twin pregnancy. I pointed her to twin mama blogs. I listened to her go back and forth. I answered questions about the challenges and joys of single motherhood. I told her that, according to my research, she and her remaining child would be in good hands with either Evans or Stone. I offered to accompany her to the procedure, but she opted to go alone. I hope I was a comfort when she called me, tearful, from the waiting room before the procedure.

I was thinking the other night about how I’m bothered by the judgment about this. There is more than enough judgment to go around regarding ART. Many judge IVF as wrong, donor gametes as wrong, gestational surrogacy as wrong, certainly many would judge me negatively for having a child on my own. Then I realized I’m a hypocrite. I have plenty of judgment for Nadya Suleman. I know I’m not the only one who knew she was lying when she said she had six embryos transferred and two split during an FET. (In case you haven’t heard, it came out during the investigation of her RE that it was actually a fresh IVF cycle and TWELVE embryos were transferred.)

But my bottom line is that the choice to reduce is very, very personal and needs to be available and safe. The NYT article was sensational, as usual. The women sounded callous about their decision. But we don’t know what their thought process was like when they were making it. And how many tears were shed. We don’t know what quotes the writer didn’t use or were edited out. I choose to give them the benefit of doubt and believe they love their children as much as I love mine.

Bless doctors like Joanne Stone and Mark Evans who believe that women are capable of deciding what’s right for their families. These doctors don’t hate babies, they care for women. For mothers.

Perfect Mommy Moment

2011-06-30T15:25:00.000-04:00

Since Lori's Perfect Moment Monday is currently on hiatus, thought I'd just post a quickie about a perfect moment. I have lots of stuff running through my head. I intend to post more soon.

My Perfect Mommy Moment: This morning I reached into my underwear drawer and took out what I thought was a pair of panties (knickers, for those in other parts of the world). It was one of my daughter's little t-shirts that got mixed in with my panties when I put away the laundry. It's not really much bigger than my undies. I smiled looking at it. Filled with gratitude for my little girl. I'm overwhelmed much of the time, tired all the time, and have way too many aches and pains, but I so love being a mom. Worth the wait and everything I had to go through to get here.

I'm wishing for these moments for my friends who haven't crossed over yet.

Dollars and $ense of Family Building

2011-04-20T16:45:00.002-04:00

Ack! I’m late with my post. Sunshine has the crud … again. By that I mean pink eye (in one eye) and an ear infection on the same side. So yesterday involved a trip to the pediatrician, a day off from work for mama, and fighting with a squirmy toddler over eye drops. Today my mother is watching her so I can go to work.

So here’s my post for Write Mind Open Heart’s and Baby Smiling’s blog carnival called The Dollars and $ense of Family Building.

How did finances play into my family building decisions? Well for many years I was without insurance. I was struggling financially, and without any insurance, attempting to have a child, particularly on my own, seemed impossible. I will admit to being “lax” about birth control in relationships during that time. But without insurance, I had no way of knowing I had a rather large polyp in my uterine lining. Nothing was going to stick with that there. On the other hand, I am glad I didn’t have a child with previous boyfriends. It may sound odd, but I’m glad for the obstacles on my journey to motherhood, because it brought me my daughter. I am so over the moon for HER. So I’m grateful for everything it took for me to have HER.

Once I had insurance, I learned that becoming a mom was not going to be a walk in the park. First I learned that at the advanced maternal age of 44, my chances of conceiving with my own eggs WITH IVF were in the neighborhood of 5%. Then I learned about the polyp. Having the polyp removed was actually one of the easiest parts of the journey. Totally covered by insurance, and back to normal two days later. I was very lucky in that I had fertility coverage as well. But there was a cap on the benefits. And at my age, the dosages of medication were so high, that they cost a fortune. Although covered by insurance, when a cycle’s worth of medication alone costs over $8,000, $20,000 worth of fertility coverage can be gone very, very quickly. I had one IVF cycle cancelled after 7 days of injections. That’s over $5,000 worth of meds. One evening I had an epic meltdown when a needle came loose on a syringe while I was mixing up my injection. Hundreds of dollars worth of hormones spilled onto my hands. Again, I was lucky in that I connected with a woman from an IVF message board who donated a full cycle’s worth of gonal-f to me. It enabled me to get through one complete IVF cycle. I didn’t get pregnant, but it helped me feel ready for the next step, embryo donation.

I feel so incredibly blessed to have connected with the woman who donated her extra embryos to me. As I’ve written about in the past, her IVF clinic would not treat me due to my unmarried state, so we moved the embryos to a clinic in Canada. Most of my fertility expenses were covered. Of course there were plenty of co-pays. My insurance company misinformed me about coverage for procedures in Canada. I was initially told that they would be treated as out of network bills, and I would be reimbursed 80%. After the fact I was told that only emergencies are covered out of the country. Still, embryo transfers alone are not that expensive. And at the time I went to Canada for my two transfers, the Canadian dollar was weak against the US dollar. I probably paid the Canadian clinic approximately $3,000 US for the initial consult, and the 2 thaws and transfers it took to become pregnant with Sunshine. Of course, there were the added expenses of two round trip airfares, two hotel stays, days off from work and other miscellaneous expenses. Price1ine helped with hotel costs, and for my second trip I flew up the morning of my transfer instead of the night before, even though it was more stressful, because the airfare was $200 less. My monitoring before and after the trips to Canada was fully covered by insurance. My donor very generously paid to have the embryos shipped to Canada. But still, compared to other methods, embryo donation was not at all cost prohibitive.

I’ve never added up the costs of becoming pregnant with Sunshine, but I know I got off relatively easy compared to others.

Now to the blog carnival questions:

1. Consider your now or future children as adults, and consider the fact that you had to spend money to either conceive them or make them part of your family. What effect do you think the latter will have on the former one day? What, do you think, your grown children might feel about the funds it took to create your family?

I hope it doesn’t matter to her at all. Hey, she might have cost less than the children conceived when their parents tried “relaxing and taking a vacation.” Other than our internet friends, we also have friends in our day to day life who have ART babies, donor egg babies, baby born with a gestational carrier, and adopted children. Sunshine will undoubtedly grow up knowing that sometimes family building is expensive.

2. How did/would you handle it if your child asks you, "Mom, how much did I cost?" How would you answer at age 7? At age 18?

I would probably truthfully say I didn’t know. Since I had insurance coverage, I did not have enough out of pocket expenses for a medical tax deduction, so I never added it all up. I might pull out the sharps container full of PIO needles I can’t seem to bring myself to get rid of and tell her she cost me an ouchy, lumpy butt. ;-)

3. When calculating the costs of your family building, what do you include? The direct costs are easy (such as RE fees for a cycle or homestudy fees), but what about fees that didn't directly lead to your child's existence in your life, such as cycles that didn't work, adoption outreach avenues that didn't work, failed adoptions, avenues that were explored (and that cost something) but not pursued, etc?

It all counts. The sperm donor profiles I paid for before my friend agreed to be my known donor count. The medical testing, semen analysis, and sperm cryo for my friend, even though we did not conceive together, counts. The first unsuccessful FET with donor embryos obviously counts as well.

4. If two children in a family "cost" different amounts, should that have any significance?

This is theoretical to me since I always planned on an only. I don’t think it should have any significance. It just is what it is. A blogger I met while in Canada for my first transfer (and also visited with on my second trip) has a daughter from an IUI, a son via IVF (after many failed IUIs), and now is pregnant with a freebie. I would imagine she feels that all her children are precious miracles.

5. To what extent have finances determined the family-building decisions you have made? How have you able to balance financial considerations against other factors such as medical, ethical, emotional...?

Finances are what led me to explore embryo donation. My BFF has a son via egg donation, and I knew that was not within my means. I also wasn’t sure that adoption was within my means either. And I really, really wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to be a mother most of all, but I wanted to experience pregnancy. I will never forget how it felt to feel Sunshine (aka in utero, my Rockette) doing high kicks before she was born. I grateful to have experienced that.

6. Has institutional and governmental support for certain family-building paths impacted your choices? For example, ART being covered by insurance, tax deductions for adoption expenses, etc.

Oh, yeah. As I’ve said, my insurance coverage was vital.

7. Have you considered having ART treatments abroad, either due to lower cost or due to certain methods being unavailable or illegal in your own country? In your decision-making, how did you balance the financial savings against issues like the unknowns of the country, perhaps not speaking the language, and medical practices that may differ from those of your home country? If you did travel abroad for treatments, what was your experience? Would you do it again?

Well, technically I did go to another country for treatment. But that was because, as I said above, the original US clinic wouldn’t treat me, and it was MUCH less complicated to move the embryos to Canada than another US clinic due to FDA guidelines regarding donor embryos.

I briefly considered overseas egg donation after my first FET failed. My donor offered to help finance a donor egg cycle after first FET. It was an incredible offer, and made me feel so supported and loved at a difficult time. But I just had a feeling there was a viable baby in the batch of embryos I received. Over and over again I looked at photos of my donor’s children, and imagined my own child with their coloring and features. Lately, Sunshine looks so much like her big brother, right down to the rosy cheeks he had at her age. Her hair color is smack in between the shades of her brother and sister’s hair. In other words, GORGEOUS!

Visit Write Mind Open Heart for more perspectives on the Dollars and $ense of Family Building and to add your own link to the blog hop by May 1, should you want to contribute your thoughts.

Guest Post: Stacy's Story, Can You Help?

2011-03-23T15:45:00.001-04:00

I read a post today on one of my SMC Yahoo groups that made me want to reach out and try to help somehow. So I offered Stacy my space in the hope that someone will read it and help her in a concrete way. I have received so much from the ALI community, and once you start reading her story, you'll know that Stacy is one of us.

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My name is Stacy. I am almost 41 years old. I’ve been trying to have a child for over five years now. I have lost five babies of my own body and then had to have an emergency hysterectomy.

In 2009, I decided to pursue alternative methods to motherhood and hired a traditional surrogate (this means she is egg donor and carrier).

I used my Ex as the known (sperm) donor, with the intention that I would be a Single Mother by Choice.

Heather (the ‘surrogate’) and I drafted and signed notarized contracts outlining every detail of the arrangement. Ironically, in that contract, it states that if she defaults, she will pay for legal fees… (HA!). She also signed and notarized a Last Will and Testament, leaving me custody of her son Jason, in the event that anything happen to her during her pregnancy or delivery. I can see in retrospect that this was probably just a ruse to gain my trust.

When I first matched with Heather, she lived in another state. After we met and signed contracts, and had the occasion to talk almost every day, it became more and more clear to me how dire and volatile her living situation was. No heat for her son. Exposure to alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes for her and her son. Etcetera. Purely out of the goodness of my heart and concern for her, I opened my home to Heather and invited her to come stay with me for free until she got on her feet and got her own place. The plan all along was that I was going to give her a monthly payment during the pregnancy and pay the rest in a lump sum at the time of delivery. She was going to use the year that she was pregnant getting on her feet and getting job training and experience so that she could put herself through college and make a better life for her and her son. I took this agenda very much to heart and gave her every kind of support I could to improve her future.

After a month of living in my home, she expressed the desire to continue living with me through the entire surrogacy. We agreed that I would charge her a (well) below market rate for rent against her compensation. I also went out of my way in MANY ways to make her life as comfortable as possible during that year. All in all, Heather and Jason lived in my home for one year. I drove Heather and Jason to school and day care every day. I mentored Heather, counseled her, encouraged her, and gave in every way I could. I went with Heather to every doctor’s appointment she had for her or her son (not pregnancy related), to support her and advocate for her. I also loaned her other chunks of money throughout the year and counted only a small amount of them against her compensation. I also made it very clear to her that she was free to move out at any point and receive monthly cash payments against her compensation. I never coerced her into any part of our agreements. Everyone who witnessed us during this year could see very clearly that Heather was in charge and when she said “Jump” I answered “How High?” I was at her beck and call; after all, she was the angel who was making my baby dreams come true. Nothing was too much if it made her happy!

We attended child birth classes. I attended newborn care classes. I traded my sporty little car in for a wagon. I hired a live-in nanny. I shopped for baby gear and created the most beautiful baby’s room I could have ever imagined. I bought a Doppler and listened to my intended daughter’s heartbeat every few days. I took a picture of Heather every week as her belly expanded and gleefully posted them on Facebook, where all my many friends rejoiced with me that my dream was so close to coming true. I researched child rearing web sites every night, deciding on formulas, diaper choices, etc… I researched names endlessly and finally declared at my baby shower that my daughter would be called Selah Ruth; then all my sweet friends decorated onesies with that beautiful name on them.

On December 9, 2009, just three days after my baby shower, my world caved in on me when Heather instant messaged me to tell me she was keeping the baby. At my baby shower, she had stood in front all my family and friends and read a poem to me about the gift of motherhood. I had told attendees in the shower invitation to give her college money instead of gifts to me because I was already receiving the biggest gift I could ask for.

She never gave me an explanation for her sudden about-face. I still do not know whether she planned it all along or changed her mind at some point.

Heather never came home that night. I never saw Jason again; a child I had lived with for a year and had grown to love. She never even moved out of my house or disposed of her room full of belongings. She left all of that mess to me. Of course, she didn’t forget to take the cash gifts my friends and family had given her at the baby shower. She just disappeared and ignored all my attempts at mediation or discussion.

I crumbled that night. It might as well have been my daughter’s death. I was utterly heartbroken and it took every ounce of my strength to survive that loss. My friend came over that night to sit with me until my sister arrived from out of town. I just sat there, unable to speak, occasionally crying, trying to make sense of what had just blind-sided me. A few days later, my sweet 22 year old niece came to town to pack up the baby’s room while I was at work.

At first, I scrambled, for two months, thinking I could fight her. I called and emailed any attorney or district attorney or case worker I could. No one would help me for any amount of money that I could actually muster up. Social services had been told she was a refuge from a domestic violence situation (I never even threatened to hurt her, let alone actually hurt her… I do not have a violent bone in my body). Social services were also told that I was a potential adoptive mother, not an intended mother, who was trying to coerce her into giving up her baby. People closed ranks around ‘the poor sweet young thing’ and I could not make any headway.

In further vain attempts to turn this nightmare back into my dream, I married my Ex in a quick city hall ceremony in hopes of gaining more legal standing. We filed a petition to establish parentage without the guidance of a lawyer since we couldn’t afford one. Then, my Ex found out that filing such a petition might leave him vulnerable to child support demands and refused to show up for our court date. I have since finalized a divorce.

All I could afford to do was pay a lawyer to send her a demand letter but it went unacknowledged, like every other attempt I made to contact her, talk sense into her, mediate, discuss, or understand what the hell had happened.

For my own personal sanity, I made the decision to accept defeat, grieve the devastating loss, and move on. It was a long and painful year.

A year later, a summons was delivered to my house, for my Ex. It turns out Heather, Jason, and Baby Girl (that she named Lily) have been living off of public assistance and the county had decided to pursue my Ex for child support. Since my Ex has not lived in my house since long before Heather moved out, all I could do is call and inform him. But since he is unemployed, he decided to lay low and blow it off. There was nothing I could do to compel him to deal with the issue. There is a reason he is my Ex!

This past Friday evening, I came home to a summons with MY name on it. They have added me to the child support petition as a “Joinder” with the explanation, “DCSS was informed that Heather XX and Stacy XX entered into a surrogacy agreement regarding the minor child in this case. DCSS is requesting Stacy XX be joined so the issue of parentage can be resolved.” I called DCSS and they confirmed that it is possible that I could be ruled financially responsible for the child since it is in the best interest of the child to have financially responsible parties.

My court date is May 23. I need a Pro Bono or sliding scale lawyer who is knowledgeable in family law or child support or custody issues or surrogacy/third party reproduction issues, who can advise me how to proceed.

My finances are very limited, as I am still paying off the IVF I completed in a few months ago in the hopes of starting a new gestational surrogacy. Obviously, my dream of being a mother is now going to be further delayed. This nightmare just keeps coming back to life.

FAQs:

Yes, I do have contracts! I have an abundance of evidence establishing me as intended mother. Without tens of thousands of dollars to give up front, I could not find someone willing to litigate this case. The landmark case in California Buzzanca v. Buzzanca would have been my best shot at winning custody but it might also be the thing that forces me to pay child support. See more about it at: Buzzanca v. Buzzanca: The Ruling and Ramifications (http://www.surrogacy.com/legals/jaycee/jayceesum.html)
We tried to get Heather pregnant for four months; three of those months were doctor-assisted IUIs. The month we got pregnant was a home insemination.
Her profile on SurrogateMother.com was advertising for new intended parents just four months after Baby Girl was born. It is possible she is already engaging in a new surrogacy agreement!
She has garnered a lot of support from strangers, case workers, etc, by being extremely dishonest about the facts of the case.
She was living in a homeless shelter when she delivered the baby.
I had already paid her 80% of her compensation by the time she defaulted. I have never seen any money back.
Heather was using Legal Aid and Pro Bono Project services at some point (probably still is); they have confirmed that they cannot help me as it would be a conflict of interest and she was their client first.

Thank you for listening. If you can help me in any way, I would very much appreciate it.

-Stacy (mushijune@yahoo.com)

Perfect Moment Monday: Catnap

2011-03-14T16:37:00.002-04:00

I haven't participated in Lori's Perfect Moment Monday in quite a while. I've thought about it, I've certainly experienced many of those moments, but don't get around to putting my post together. I'm so grateful for it, because even though I may not get around to the post, it never hurts to have a reminder to appreciate these special moments. In case you don't know, "Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between."

Sunshine LOVES our cats. Obsessed might be more accurate. "Cat" is one of the words she says loud and clear, and did I mention, OFTEN! As far as she's concerned, if its got four legs and a tail, it's a cat. We'll be out and about, and see a dog and either she'll exclaim, "CAT!" or I'll say, "Look at the dog." and Sunshine will insist, "Cat, cat, cat!" She's got quite a gleam in her eyes and often laughs, so she knows, but she enjoys her own joke.

Yesterday she and our big cat took a nap together. The cat got the blankie first.

Don't forget to check out the other Perfect Moment Monday posts.

Life from Scratch Book Tour

2011-03-02T15:30:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying, I LOVED THIS BOOK! Life from Scratch by Melissa Ford is everything I hoped it would be and more. Reading it felt like hanging out with old friends in the coziest café. I love that Rachel’s BFF is a single mom by choice. And that she didn’t get there easily. “After 2 miscarriages, three fresh IVF transfers, four frozen IVF transfers, several months of daily Lovenox injections, a premature delivery, and a NICU stay, Arianna had Beckett” For me, it was five cancelled IVF cycles, one fresh IVF transfer, two donor frozen embryo transfers, six weeks of Lovenox injections, eight weeks of progesterone in oil injections, and a c-section, that I have my Sunshine. I felt a kinship with Arianna. It’s hard enough to decide to become a parent on your own, having trouble conceiving compounds that.

I loved hearing Melissa’s voice in novel form. Loved the little New York details, like when Rachel and Arianna decide not to stop for bagels at H&H when on the way to Zabars. You have to really know New York city to know that H&H has the BEST bagels, and that they're across the street from Zabars.

I hope I can do the book justice with this post. I’m really feeling the sleep deprivation these days. My very active, teething, not great at sleeping 15 month old, our two cats, and I have just moved into a new apartment. The process has been long, stressful, and isn’t quite over. (Lots of odds and ends to still bring over, and still have to figure out where everything should go.) So this post may not be all I’d like it to be.

Now on to the questions.

If you had a year to do what you wanted, what would you do? Would you learn to cook or something different?

Ooooooh! Whatever I want?!?!?! I would travel! I love to travel, and really hope my daughter will love it, too. Ideally, I would have someone to deal with the luggage while I focus on wrangling Sunshine, and also to help with childcare so I could do things that you can’t do with a toddler in tow. I would love to take the opportunity to learn new things in different places. For instance, I know of a villa in Tuscany that offers workshops in Tuscan cooking. Maybe a glass blowing class in Venice. Show my daughter the world. See the world through her eyes. Watch her get covered in powdered sugar eating beignets at Café du Monde in New Orleans. Make sure she knows to “Mind the Gap” on the London Underground. Etc.

Rachel's blog Life from Scratch is itself a character in the story. Do you think non-bloggers will understand the details of blogging (blog awards, stats and stat counters, other true life blogs mentioned) and how does writing her blog tie into her story making it appeal to the mainstream?

I’m not really sure. I hope so. I am a mother, my daughter is here in the world, because of my blog. The generous woman who donated embryos to me found my blog through a mention on LFCA. A site maintained by Melissa Ford! It helps when people understand the blogging world when I tell our story. Although, I think even if non-bloggers understand the details of blogging, it’s really hard for outsiders to understand the kinship in the ALI community. We are there for each other through struggles, losses, and successes. It’s hard for outsiders to understand when I tell them I’ve received baby gifts from people I’ve never met face to face. That I sent a baby gift halfway around the world to a blogger I’ve never met in person. That a community is working together on a project for a blogger who’s suffered an unthinkable loss. That we send each other socks. Yes, socks. Because we know it makes it a tiny bit easier to put our feet in those damn stirrups when we see a pair of colorful socks that someone chose for us.

How would you react if your blog hit the big time -- if you had hundreds of thousands or even millions of readers hanging on your every word, if you won awards, if mainstream media wanted to interview and feature you? Are there aspects of blogging fame that you'd refuse? How would the content of your blog change?

Hmmmmm. Well, I just don’t think I’m that good a writer. I like being semi-anonymous with my blog. I use a pseudonym on here, but I’ve never hesitated to tell my fellow bloggers my real name via email. For a long time I didn’t post any identifiable photos. Since my daughter was born I’ve posted plenty of her, and a few of me. If my blog went viral, I might consider removing the photos and not posting any new ones of us. And regardless of my blog’s popularity, I’m sure I'll think harder about what I post about Sunshine as she gets older. I sure wouldn’t mind Heather Armstrong’s money, though. (And I'd be happy to review the iPad here if Apple wants to send me one! Hello, Apple Marketing Dept!) Fame is such an odd thing. I had a surreal moment at a friend’s baby shower/meet the baby party to celebrate the adoption of her son, when a woman came up to me and said, “I know you from your blog!” Wild! Turns out she’s another SMC blogger. We had no idea we had this mutual friend.

I love to hear that our story has inspired others. I had a long phone conversation with a blogger about our open embryo donation process. Since our conversation, she and her husband have donated their embryos. I received an email last year from a woman who said she passed my URL on to a friend who was single and struggling with the idea of winding up childless. I also recently found out that after meeting me and Sunshine at an SMC event last Summer and hearing our story, a woman donated several embryos to another woman she met at the same event. So, famous or not, we never really know when we tell our story, whose life we may change.

So, if you haven’t read it yet, hop over to Amazon.

Paperback

Kindle edition

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at Write Mind Open Heart.

Our Bodies, Our Choices

2011-02-25T16:43:00.001-05:00

This is a hard post to write. Not because I’m lacking in the strength of my convictions, but mostly because others have written so well on the issue of reproductive choice. I haven’t consciously shied away from controversial issues here, even though I may be in the minority as a donor embryo recipient regarding my pro-choice views. I have often commented in support of other pro-choice blog posts, but I’ve never written one. With what's going on right now in the Federal and various State Legislatures, I need to stand up and be heard.

For the details of all the craziness happening right now, read Keiko’s brilliant post. This is some scary shit! The attempt to de-fund Planned Parenthood is insane. Planned Parenthood uses NONE of the federal funds they receive for abortion services! In fact, just 3% of all they do is related to pregnancy termination. Read Cecily’s post for more information. In case you didn’t know, Cecily would likely not be alive if abortion was not a legal medical procedure in this country.

As our dear Mel said in a post last year, “Personally, I think it would behoove any person who wants the family building side of reproductive rights protected to also support termination, after all, if you don’t want your government making fertility treatments illegal, it would make sense to spread that protection to all aspects of reproductive rights.”

I don’t think it’s at all contradictory to be a pro-choice infertile. I encourage my pro-choice infertile sisters to speak out. For ourselves, for each other, for our children. I applaud my fellow bloggers who’ve spoken out on this issue. Who've bravely faced criticism so other women wouldn’t feel so alone. Like my friend Kristin, who posted about a termination that probably saved her life. Like the blogger who posted about her decision to reduce a multiple pregnancy. I KNOW that there will be women in crisis who will find those posts and find fellowship and comfort.

I’m going to quote from another post of Mel’s, because she says it so succinctly here. (And unlike me, she a professional writer. She’s had two books published, you know!) “But restricting access to abortion is just one step away from restricting access to fertility treatments, and I would like to retain control over what happens in my uterus. I don’t believe we should get into grey areas deeming some abortions ethical and others not; stating that within certain situations, it’s merciful and in others, it’s irresponsible. It’s a slippery slope once you step onto the rights of others, and anyone who favours outlawing or restricting abortion and is also infertile should consider how they would feel if the reach of the general public went into their body; went towards restricting assisted conception, making the use of fertility drugs illegal.”

Click here to sign a letter to Congress to protest the legislation to bar Planned Parenthood from federal funding.

There will be a Walk for Choice in many cities tomorrow. Please go if you can.

Will You Be Ours?

2011-02-07T13:40:00.000-05:00

Our Valentine? Since I didn't get it together to send out holiday cards, Sunshine and I are sending out Valentine's Day cards. Would you like one? Email me your snail mail addy and I'll send one to you. Be warned, the cuteness is outa control!

Have loads to write, just not getting to it. I've been a terrible commenter, most often when I really have something meaningful to say. It's just easier to dash off a quick comment, then I feel bad when I don't leave a comment on someone's important post because it deserves more than a quickie. Please forgive me, I try to keep up on my blog reading, and I think of you all.

$70 For Me, And $70 For One Of My Lovely Readers! Thanks, CSN Stores!

2011-02-01T16:18:00.001-05:00

Woohoo! Got a great giveaway coming up to tell you about! First, let me start by saying I wouldn’t do a sponsored post if I didn’t really like the company. I first discovered CSN Stores about 2 1/2 years ago when I was having my kitchen and bathroom painted and wanted to get new ceiling light fixtures for both rooms. CSN Stores has over 200 online stores where you can find everything from handbags, a bathroom vanity , great cookware, or unique light fixtures! The stock on CSN Stores website is so extensive that I was able to find exactly what I wanted at a great price. I was able to sort by type of fixture and price, and browse away until I found what I was looking for.

As I mentioned in my last post about CSN Stores, Sunshine and I are moving into a new apartment. Renovations are done, and I am currently sorting (purging) through our things and moving what I can before movers come for the big furniture. The 2 light fixtures I purchased previously have been moved into the new apartment, as well as 2 new ones I found on CSN Stores lighting site. For my last post, CSN Stores provided me with a gift code to use on their website. I did not wind up getting either of the things I was originally contemplating, but I am very pleased with what I did get. I was quite practical about my purchases. I got a DVD player, as I was probably the last person around who didn’t have one (I could always play DVDs on my computer, and I <3 my DVR), I got a beautiful wall decal for Sunshine’s room, and a very cool closet organizer thingy.

Now CSN Stores is providing me with another opportunity to review an item from their websites. They are providing me with a $70 gift code for me, and a chance for my readers to win one as well. The actual giveaway post will be in a few weeks. You will have a chance to enter to win by commenting on that post, but for an extra entry, leave a comment on this post with a suggestion for what I should get with my gift code. Since I’m in the process of moving, I’m leaning towards something practical for the new apartment, but I also kind of think I deserve something indulgent just for me. Please do a little browsing and give me your suggestions. Your comment could win you $70 at CSNStores.com!

Devastating

2011-01-24T12:04:00.000-05:00

I'm absolutely heartbroken over the loss of Wiseguy's little Lola. Please go give her some love. Then pop over to Kristin's place to join in on the beautiful project that Kristin is putting together for Wiseguy.

New Post on Who Wants To Know! GIVEAWAY

2011-01-13T11:13:00.000-05:00

Please click over and check out my latest baby product review at Who Wants To Know. It's a space saving baby/toddler bathtub. As added incentive to click over, there's a cute picture of Sunshine demonstrating the product (tightly cropped for modesty). Leave a comment with your best space saving tip for a chance to win one.

Sunshine's First Sleepover WITHOUT MOMMY! Updated

2010-12-27T14:49:00.001-05:00

Daycare germs have struck again. Friday morning Sunshine threw up twice. Since she seemed fine after that, I attributed it to a night's worth of snot going down her throat instead of pouring out her nose. Then Saturday we hung out with a friend (who's in her 2ww!). We got home around 8:30. I was just able to get Sunshine in her highchair with some cheerios for distraction before I was hurling in the toilet. Got Sunshine to sleep by 9:20 and was puking again by 9:30. A little break until 11:30, then it was pretty much nonstop for HOURS. By 7am I was able to keep some fluids down, but was still very nauseous. Every muscle hurt, my throat was raw from retching, and of course, Sunshine was up bright and early. I called my mother for help. She could come, but it would be a while. I somehow managed to change the poopy (and leaky, naturally) diaper, and gave her a bottle. I put her in her crib with a bunch of toys to play with, and curled up in bed. (The crib is next to the bed.) I also called and left a message with a local babysitter. She was content for a while, then started crying/whining in earnest. I felt terribly guilty when I got her and realized that her snot was dripping all the way to her chin! Then, thankfully, the babysitter called back. She could be here in 5 minutes. YAY! When she got here, I handed Sunshine to her, showed her where the clothes were, got out some pureed peaches for her breakfast, and went back to my sickbed.

My mother arrived about 45 minutes later. Sunshine was dressed and fed, and just about ready for a nap in the car. They hit the road quickly, so as to miss the approaching storm. She's having a great time at her grandmother's. I still feel like crap, but I miss my baybeeee! Last night was the first night we've been apart since she was born. I know it was the right thing, as I spent yesterday and last night barely able to move, finding it hard to find the energy to even get up to get some water. But .... WAAAAAAH!!!! Today I still feel like crap, kind of like a bad hangover. Another night to recover is a good idea, besides, there's a bunch of snow in between us. I miss my Sunshine. :-(

*UPDATE: Relapse! 50 hours after the first puke, just threw up again. FUCK! Afraid to lay down, that it will just make it easier for the sick to come up. Blech, blech, blech!

The Overdue Birthday Post

2010-12-22T11:36:00.000-05:00

I have been struggling to find the time/energy to write a fabulous post about my amazing miracle baby turning one. Well, she came down with her first real sick 6 days after her first birthday. Frankly, that’s pretty good for a child who’s been in daycare since she was thirteen weeks old, and not unexpected, as several kids in her “class” were sick earlier that week. She had her first ever fever, and then threw up ALL OVER both of us. Not spit up, folks, honest to goodness puking. Her fever would go down with acetaminophen, but not go away completely. Took her to the pediatrician two days in, who diagnosed and ear infection. She’s now MUCH better, but still kind of restless at night, which may be lingering effects of the sick, or may be because we are weaning. I hate that we started weaning in earnest while she was sick, but she just would not learn to stop biting. And … OUCH! As of today, she has not had any mommy milk for over a week and a half. I know she wants it and misses it (she pulls on my shirts and kisses my chest), but she doing okay with it. Oh, and then she caught a new cold and promptly gave it to me.

Okay, the birthday post. Not very original, but a letter to my girl feels right.

My dear Sunshine,

My bright, shining star! It’s so hard to believe you’re one. It feels like just the other day you were doing high kicks in my belly. My sweet, sassy girl, I love you more than I thought possible.

I think back on the night you were born. Oh, Sunshine! How you howled when the doctor took you out. It took less than five minutes for them to hand you to me, but you cried loudly until you were in my arms. I called out to you, “Hi Baby, Mama’s right here.” I still say that to you when you’re in your exersaucer or high chair and I have to go to the next room to do something. You don’t like it when you can’t see me, so I reassure you. “Mama’s right here.” But that first night, as soon as I held you, you stopped crying. We looked at each other. It was perfect. I stroked your soft cheek with one finger, and marveled at my little miracle.

My little love, you were my Velcro baby. You wanted to be held close to me ALL THE TIME. I could not deny you that. I loved having you fall asleep on my chest. You still do it sometimes, and I still love it. You even let me know your preference for closeness in the hospital. You did not like the bassinet, you were quite clear about that.

As sleep deprived as I have been the last year, it has also flown by. You are just bursting with personality. From the time you were very small, it was obvious that you would beam with pride when you learned to do something new. I remember the first time you grabbed my arm when I was changing your diaper. You looked up at me with an expression that so clearly said, “Look what I can do!” Now if people ask you how old you are, you gleefully hold up one finger.

There are certainly difficult moments, like when you are overtired and fighting sleep as if it were the enemy. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do to soothe you then. I wish you were a better sleeper, but you are such a happy, healthy child, that I’m not sweating that. You’ll get there in your own time. And the poopy explosions. Oh, I do not like those! And they are even harder because you don’t like to lie still for diaper changes. Trying to flip over or stand up while Mommy is trying to clean the poop off you is not helpful, my dear. You absolutely HATE, HATE, HATE it when I go anywhere near your nose. Sorry, sweetheart, but screaming isn’t going to make me leave that snot bubble you’re blowing alone. I will stop wiping your nose when you learn to take care of a drippy nose yourself. I think it’s going to be a while.

You have a great sense of humor. But, sweetie, I know you think it’s funny to blow raspberries with a mouthful of food, but Mommy doesn’t like that one. It’s so hard to be stern and not laugh, but good table manners are important, and other people don’t want to be splattered with your spinach. On the other hand, your laugh is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.

You are such a charmer. Everywhere we go people comment about how beautiful you are. Then you smile or wave or blow kisses. And they are completely wrapped around your chubby little finger. Your kisses, my Sunshine, oh, your kisses just slay me. Again, you are so proud of what you can do. You press your mouth against my cheek, then pull back saying, “Mwah!” Then you grin! Pleased as punch.

I am so lucky to be your mommy. I love learning about you. I watch you when you’re sleeping, and I’m overcome with emotion. Sometimes I can’t resist holding a hand or a foot while you sleep, and marveling over the perfection of your tiny palm or your sweet little toes. I look forward to seeing you master so many new things. I hate the thought of you ever being hurt, but I know that’s part of life. I can’t protect you from all the bumps and bruises to come. I particularly wish I could protect you from having your feelings hurt. I can’t. I can only do my best to help you be a confident little girl, and then a confident woman. It’s a great big, scary, wonderful world out there. Part of my job as your mommy is to give you the wings to fly. I don’t want to think about right now. Maybe next year. Right now I just want to hold you close. Give you lots of kisses as you giggle like crazy. I’m so happy to be your mommy. I love you to the moon and back and more.

Love,

Mama

How Do You Do It?

2010-12-01T15:36:00.001-05:00

HALP!! I can't keep up with my interwebz.

Between work, my almost toddler, and trying (unsuccessfully) to get enough sleep, I can't keep up with my peeps. I am woefully behind in reading dear friends' blogs. Much less commenting. Forget about Twitter. I don't think I've read a tweet in over a month. The long Thanksgiving weekend set me back even further. We were at my mother's, where I couldn't access a neighbor's unsecured network I usually use. I could generally "see" the network, but the signal was not strong enough to connect. So I got my mother a router at Staples on Black Friday, which I tried (unsuccessfully) to configure for the rest of the weekend. After a loooooooong time on the phone with tech support, it was determined that I need an extra ethernet cable to configure the network.

Anyway, this is a rather long winded way of saying, sorry I've been MIA. I want to write a birthday post for Sunshine. I can't believe she turned one on Monday!! In the meantime, here's her first "school" picture.

Heartbreakingly Awful

2010-11-11T10:32:00.000-05:00

Mo and Will of Life and Love in the Petri Dish are dealing with the devastating loss of pregnancy number 6. I'm heartbroken for them. Mo's D&C is scheduled for today. Go give them some love and let them know you're thinking of them.

No Nursery For Miss Sunshine

2010-11-03T12:17:00.002-04:00

I’m a WINNER! I was thrilled to win a $45 gift card for CSN Stores from Kristin at The Dragondreamer’s Lair. If you don’t know about CSN, you should. CSN Stores has over 200 online stores where you can find everything from beautiful wallets (like the one Kristin reviewed), to modern extra tall bar stools, or great cookware! I’m planning to use it for a new toaster oven. I know, not exciting, but necessary. I’m debating between a Hamilton Beach and a Proctor-Silex. If anyone has one that they LOVE (or hate), please tell me.

When I was pregnant with Sunshine I got a lot of questions about nursery décor. Ummm, we live in a one bedroom apartment. No nursery. Happily, we will (hopefully) soon be moving into a two bedroom apartment. YAY for no more diaper changes in the living room! And I get to decorate a room for my daughter. I am hoping we will be in the new place by her first birthday, which is in a few weeks. My plan is not nursery décor, but a little girl’s room she can grow with. CSN has offered me the opportunity to review an item from their sites, which they will provide. I haven’t decided yet, but I’m leaning towards one of these.

WallCandy Arts RoCoco Chalkboard Removable Wall Decal

JoJo Designs Bumble Bee Window Panels

Cool! Now I still need Nate!

Photo Friday: Orange

2010-10-22T14:40:00.000-04:00

This outfit, discovered in a bag of hand me downs, was the perfect thing for Cali's Photo Friday. Can you stand the cuteness?!?! Click on over to Calliope's to see everyone else's orange pics.

Hat knitted by her grandmother.

She started to cruise last weekend. Hold me!

Oh, and did you see my spicy pumpkin seed recipe on Who Wants To Know?

THRILLED!

2010-10-20T11:38:00.000-04:00

Have you read the exciting news?!?!?! Mo (Life and Love in the Petri Dish) is pregnant! It's been a long, hard road for Mo and Will. The embryos transferred tested genetically normal, which is comforting to them. And as of yesterday's second beta, the doubling time was awesome. After many failed cycles and losses, they are cautiously hopeful. So stop by and give them some love, and hold them close in your thoughts.

Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock'n'Roll Daycare!

2010-10-01T11:27:00.000-04:00

Too cool for school? Wanted to share the cuteness.

She Said WHAT?!?!

2010-09-27T14:58:00.001-04:00

As my ~~readers~~ peeps are aware, although I gestated and got sliced open to have my daughter, she is not the product of my 40 something ovaries. I have zero shame about that. In fact, I’m kind of proud of the obstacles that were overcome to bring her into the world and make me a mom. I have every intention of being open with Sunshine about her conception. Even though she’s only 10 months old (on Wednesday!), I sometimes talk to her about all the people who helped me become her mom—Aunt Kathy (our embryo donor), a whole bunch of doctors in two countries, and all her internet aunties who were so supportive during the process. But still … I am sometimes at a loss as to what to say to random people who ask where she gets her red hair. Right now it’s not that important, but as she gets older and understands more, I want to be able to respond in a way that’s both truthful, but simple and not invasive. I would welcome and greatly appreciate suggestions.

A little over a week ago I had an encounter that still has me shaking my head in disbelief. We went to synagogue for Yom Kippur services. We were hanging out in a hallway, since Sunshine was being too noisy and wouldn’t sit still. Apparently lots of people couldn’t sit still, as there was quite a bit of foot traffic. One older woman walked by a few times. She was obviously captivated by my cute, social baby, and chatted with us. Then she leaned in to Sunshine and said, “You must look like your Daddy, since you don’t look at all like your Mommy.” WTF! But I took a deep breath, and since she didn’t say it with any malice, I explained about Sunshine’s conception. Her reaction to this was fine, and she told me she knew someone whose sister was a gestational carrier for her. (Of course she didn’t use that term. We can’t expect outsiders to know all the lingo.) THEN (and here’s what I really am having trouble letting go of) she looked at Sunshine and said, “She’s got a shiksa face.” Again, none of this was said with any malice, but what in the world would make her think this was in any way appropriate?

The thought of comments like this causing Sunshine any angst in the future is awful. She is my daughter. Period. As any donor conceived child is their parents’ child. Or any child who is adopted. We know that. MOST people know that. But how do we protect our children from that minority of ignorant or thoughtless people?

Two Years Ago

2010-08-25T21:58:00.000-04:00

Two years ago today I wrote my first blog post. I was still trying to conceive with my own eggs. At that point I’d had three IVF cycles cancelled before even starting due to cysts on my ovaries. The monstrously huge box of IVF meds had been staring at me for over three months. I’d participated on message boards and read some blogs, but was only beginning to understand the magnitude and power of this online community.

For years prior, I had sworn I would never have a blog. Hard to believe, huh? Well, there’s a story behind that. Five years earlier I went out with this guy. We really connected. We talked and talked and talked, we held hands, we kissed … a lot. Then things progressed the way they usually do in these situations. And he appeared to drop off the face of the earth. TWO WEEKS later he emailed me apologizing and saying he realized he was “emotionally unavailable.” I have to say, I was rather proud of my response. I told him that I’d already figured that out, and that I thought it was bad form to break up via email after sleeping together. Then, and here’s where the blog aversion comes in, he proceeded to chew over his feelings about us, wavering back and forth about whether to contact me or not, for weeks. He knew I had his URL. It was awful. And it’s one of the reasons that I chose to blog under a pseudonym. I’m very picky about who I share my URLs with outside of our community. Many people in my life know I have a blog, know that it was very instrumental in becoming pregnant with my daughter, but do not have access to it.

Anyway, back to my blogoversary! I am so glad I got past my blog aversion. This community has been the rock I’ve leaned on during tough times. Through this community, my donor found me! You've been with me through cancelled and failed cycles, watched pee stick lines get darker, betas rise, belly grow, and the incredible birth of my little girl. I announced her birth right here just 3 hours and 20 minutes after she took her first breath. It was amazing, a couple of weeks ago, to meet so many bloggers I’ve gotten to know these last two years. To introduce them to my miracle baby. To hug them and to meet some of their miracle children.

Many of my ALI blogger friends are still struggling to build their families. My blogoversary wish is for their success. My heart swells with every ALI blogger BFP and birth announcement. What a joy to celebrate the arrival of these very, very wanted children.

Do You Want To Know? Pull Up A Chair, I’ll Tell You.

2010-08-20T22:17:00.000-04:00

I am so pleased to be a part of Calliope’s new project. I’m honored to be among this awesome group of women. Have you heard about this? Well, Cali was inspired to start this after attending BlogHer. Everyone’s an expert on something. So she’s created this beautiful website (whowantstoknow.net) for us to share our thoughts about various things. We’ll be reviewing things and sharing our personal expertise. Please let us know if you have any ideas and suggestions.

My first post is up now about one of my favorite little kitchen gadgets and the terrific customer service I received from the company that made them. I have some other posts brewing, but right now Sunshine is asleep, and I want to sleep, too!

Psssst: In other BIG news, check out Cali’s new web design venture, Plaid House! Rockin’!

Sunshine On The Move!

2010-08-18T14:03:00.001-04:00

Still have to go through my photos and do my post-BlogHer post. And another post I've been percolating. In the meantime, as of Friday the Thirteenth, I have a crawler! You might want to turn the sound down or off so you don't have to listen to my sister laugh and chatter.

ETA: Our home is a DEATHTRAP! The world is a DEATHTRAP! And, damn it, Child Protective Services frowns on wrapping children in bubble wrap.

300th (200th) Roundup CAKE! And Fun With Auntie Kristin!

2010-08-06T11:58:00.002-04:00

To celebrate Mel's 300th (200th) Friday Blog Roundup, we decided to post pictures of cake. Because what's a celebration without cake?

Yesterday Sunshine and I had the pleasure of meeting Kristin! We had a great time.

Then we went to the famous Magnolia Bakery for cake.

Here's a closeup of my piece of cake. Banana with chocolate frosting. Mmmmmmm!

And as she posted, Auntie Kristin slipped Sunshine some whipped cream. She was eyeing my cake, but she didn't have any.

On the way home Sunshine entertained our fellow subway riders by blowing raspberries.

Off to meet some bloggers for lunch!

Meeting the Village! My Non-Attendee Pre-BlogHer Post. (P.S. Added)

2010-08-04T11:25:00.003-04:00

Even though it is in my city, I am not attending the conference. It would have involved deciding to attend when I was pregnant, spending money I shouldn’t spend, and time off from work. It was so odd last year when people started blogging about purchasing their tickets and coming to NYC, and I thought, “I’ll have an 8 month old by then!” OMG! I really have an 8 month old! It’s still surreal to me.

But this is my town, and I’m so excited that some of the best friends I’ve never met are coming to town. Some of the amazing women who supported me through cancelled and failed cycles, and celebrated my success will be here! Does it sound strange that I’m imagining handing over my daughter to these women for cuddles?

We will, of course, be at the ALI bloggers’ meetup on Sunday. I will try to slip away from work on Friday for a long lunch if people are meeting at lunchtime. But since I know people will be busy with the conference and parties Friday and Saturday, I am taking tomorrow off from work. To make the most of the personal day, I am dropping Sunshine at daycare at the usual time and going to my internist for a checkup. (My mother has been nagging me to get my cholesterol checked.) Then I will go get Sunshine and head to midtown. I’m estimating about !2:30-1pm. I have some phone numbers, but if you want to get together tomorrow afternoon, email me and I’ll give you my cell number.

CAN’T WAIT!!!

P.S. If you're attending and you see any good baby swag and don't need it yourself, I would love some. kthnxbai

Photo Friday: Play!

2010-07-30T10:27:00.000-04:00

I have a thoughtful, possibly controversial post brewing. But in the meantime I'm participating in Cali's Photo Friday again. The theme this week is Play! As I said in my post about guilt, Sunshine's daycare is great. I love seeing her play with her little friends. She and her buddy (disguised in the photo) are always watching each other to see what the other is doing. They learned to clap hands within a week of each other. They were just so cute together this particular morning, I had to grab the camera.

Whatever You Can Spare

2010-07-16T10:59:00.000-04:00

When I look at my happy, healthy daughter, sometimes my heart breaks for the children who are not healthy. And of course, for their parents. I read about Dominic Austin on another blog. Sometimes there is nothing we can do. Here is a case where every little bit can make a difference. Little Dominic's prognosis is not good (although, there is hope). Anything that can make this time a tiny bit less stressful for his parents is a good thing.

So please check out this link and give whatever you can. Whatever you spent on lunch yesterday, or maybe your last visit to Starbux. Thanks, peeps!

On Guilt

2010-07-14T14:08:00.000-04:00

Much to my Jewish mother’s chagrin, I’ve never really done guilt well. I think I just don’t have the guilt gene. Much has been written about Mom Guilt, but I really have to say, I don’t suffer from it. I hear about it so much, that I occasionally wonder if I should be feeling it. But generally, I think it’s a waste of energy. As a single, working mom, my energy is a precious commodity.

Of course I want to be the best mom I can be. To me, that means not driving myself into the ground to do so. I truly believe happy mom equals happy baby.

I don’t feel guilty for not exclusively breastfeeding. Sunshine is 7 1/2 months old, and I am still nursing. But she has been getting formula in addition to mommy milk for quite a while. I pumped for a couple of months at work. It was awful. I don’t have an office where I can close the door, so I was pumping in an overheated utility room. I was stressed about the time it took (I never got the hang of double pumping), and getting my work done. All that stress meant I often didn’t produce much milk. So I gradually cut back on the amount of time I pumped, then the number of times per day, until my supply adjusted so I could go through the work day without pumping and nurse Sunshine at home. She has never had any problem going back and forth between boob and bottle. She’s very healthy, so what is there to be guilty about. (BTW, I also use “generic” formula and disposable diapers without guilt. Target rocks.)

We live in an apartment without a washer and dryer. The washer and dryer are in the basement. I have to go out of the building and around to the back for the basement door. Did I mention I work full time? So no guilt for me about disposables. (FYI, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the Target brand diapers. They provide better coverage than the name brand ones, and are half the price.)

I miss my daughter like crazy when I’m at work, but I have no guilt about daycare. I looked into other childcare options, and am very happy with her daycare. As a single mother by choice, I am obviously the sole source of income for our family. In this economy, I’m lucky to have a good job with excellent benefits. Sunshine has been in daycare since she was 13 weeks old. She has gotten exactly ONE cold. She caught it when she was 5 months old, and knocked it out in 4 days. She was a trooper. I caught it from her, and felt like crap for a week and a half. I love that I can put her down of the floor of the infant room at her daycare and she can safely roll and scoot all over. I can’t say that about our apartment. They have loads of toys, they read books and listen to music, and in nice weather they go out to their private playground. Sunshine has no stranger anxiety at all. She’s curious about everyone, but when she sees someone she recognizes, she lights up. Big smiles and laughter. I think she also enjoys the other kids at daycare. She’s a social one, my girl. The staff has also succumbed to her charm. Last Friday, when I picked her up and was about to put her in the stroller, the pre-school teacher came over and asked if she could hold her for a minute. She often helps out in the infant room, and said, “I haven’t had any time with her for the last few days. I’ve missed her.” Why should I feel guilty about more people loving her?

I recently read a post on a message board by a mom who was feeling guilty about getting rid of some of her kid’s toys, as the child had so many. Oh, please … give a kid a pot and a wooden spoon. Some paper and crayons. More stuff does not equal a better childhood. When I was pregnant, a few people asked me about the nursery. What nursery? It’s a one bedroom apartment! It’s tight, but we’re fine. We will soon be moving to a bigger apartment. It will be great for us. But Sunshine will probably continue to sleep with me for a while. Yes, we cosleep. Without guilt, of course.

Then there are the big issues. Donor conceived and no daddy. Oh yeah, and older mom. We’ll just have to deal with these things as they come up. No matter how families are formed, there’s always something. Feeling guilty about these things will not make them easier. I think it would make them harder. Children sense their parent’s feelings. I hope that since I am more than okay with how our family came about, I’m proud of it, that she’ll be proud, too.

People constantly comment about how much she smiles and laughs. I figure I must be doing something right.

Cherished

2010-07-09T12:55:00.002-04:00

Do infertiles cherish their children more than fertiles? Maybe. I don’t think anyone would disagree that baby-loss mamas have a particularly deep appreciation of their living children. Am I the only one who thinks about this when I check my daughter’s breathing at night? Or when I watch her sleep, in awe that she’s actually here?

I’ve been wanting to write a post about parenting after infertility for a while. I was spurred on by an incident I witnessed on the subway on my way home from work earlier this week. Now keep in mind that it has been about a gajillion degrees in NYC this week. A mother and her three children got on the train. Two girls, maybe twins, or maybe just very close in age. About 4-5 years old. And their big brother, who looked to be about 7. The mother looked irritated and distracted. She was on her cell phone. There were three seats available, so she sat down in one seat with one girl in her lap (who she ignored, even though she was holding her), and the boy sat next to her, with the other girl next to him. The girl on the end immediately cuddled up to her brother. He cuddled her back. She was all in his space, playing and grabbing and laughing. He was wonderful with her. Patient, loving and playful. My heart swelled watching this. Mom ignored it, continuing to talk on her phone. Seats opened up on the other side of her, so she put the other girl next to her. The children were energetic and not quiet. The mom snapped. She yelled at them and smacked the girl next to her. There were too many people between us for me to see exactly how and where she smacked the girl. It didn’t sound particularly hard, but still … there was no need for it. She started crying. Mom ignored her and continued her phone call. Her big brother went over and held her and comforted her.

It’s hard to know what, if anything, to say in these kind of situations. As I was about to get off the train I told the boy he was a great big brother and that I could tell his sisters loved him so much. I expect there will be times with Sunshine that I will lose my cool. My patience is not infinite. But I can not imagine behaving as this mother did. Yelling and hitting children because they were playing too loudly? That’s not discipline. That’s just fucked up.

Back to parenting after infertility. Well, I don’t have any other experience to compare it to. I just love her so much! Every day it seems like my heart expands a little more. She is such a happy baby, I want her to have the happiest childhood ever. I am always aware of what a miracle she is. There are still cycling reminders in my apartment. The last sharps container with the PIO needles in my linen closet that I can’t part with. The unused needles and syringes in my kitchen cabinet, next to the glasses. (I keep thinking I’ll use some of them one day to inject butter and drippings into a turkey breast, like I read in a NYT article about surrogacy, but I certainly don’t need to save as many as I have in there.) Then there’s Sunshine herself. As she gets older, it’s more and more obvious to others that she doesn’t look like me. (Except for the chubby thighs!) She really looks like her sibs, my donor’s children. Sometimes I explain her origins, and sometimes I don’t. For me, it’s cool that I get a bit of a preview of what she’ll look like as she gets older by looking at pictures of J and E. She’s gorgeous! When I come to get her after work, her face lights up when she sees me. I’m her mommy. The one who nurses her, who cuddles her, who wipes away her very occasional tears. I can only hope she won’t have any problems with the fact that we don’t look alike. I hope that she will be like this girl. Proud of who she is and how she came to be.

She is my precious gift. I wish all children were cherished that way.

Dear Mr. Jobs

2010-06-29T12:09:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. Jobs,

Saturday was my mommy’s birthday. We went to the Apple Store. We had fun! I wanted to buy mommy an iPad, but my dress didn’t have pockets, so I didn’t have any money. If you give my mommy an iPad, you can put my picture in a magazine. I’m also available for commercials, but mommy says I would need money for college. I could laugh at the funny PC man. He’s so silly!

Love and kisses,
Sunshine

P.S. Mommy says all her computers have been Macs, and they’ve never, ever gotten a computer virus. Whatever that is!

The BEST Birthday Present!

2010-06-25T13:37:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow's my birthday. I'm going to be (GASP!) 47. I am so grateful for the medical advances that have enabled me to be a mother at my age. And the incredible gift of donor embryos that became my daughter. Waking up tomorrow with this joyful little person is the best birthday gift I can imagine. She slept through the night Wednesday night. It was divine! It was not repeated last night, so I'm not counting on it tonight. But regardless, she ALWAYS wakes up with a smile. She truly is my Sunshine.

So, because it pleases me, and I'm the birthday girl, here are a bunch of pictures from the past month.

Hahahahahaha! The world is just a funny place!

Cribs are for daycare, right? I love the blankie Aunt Kathy knitted for me. It's so soft.

Sometimes when mommy brings me to daycare she takes pictures.

She says I'm stylin' in these shorts.

Yeah, I'm tough! Whatcha got for me?

Peaches? Yup, I like 'em!

I like to chew on mommy's blankie. I don't know why she took a picture of it.

Photo Friday: Shoes

2010-06-11T15:24:00.002-04:00

Since I have screwed up feet and wear ugly shoes and sandals most of the time, I thought I'd feature my little imp for Cali's Photo Friday. These shoes are one of the very few things I bought for her when I was pregnant. I put them on for the photo, then took them right off. They don't stay on very well, and I know they won't stay on at daycare. She doesn't manage to keep socks on while there. She's almost always barefoot when I pick her up. In my mind, one of the upsides of her being a donor embryo baby is that she will not inherit my bad feet (which I got from both parents).

Perfect Moment Monday — Can You Hear Me Now?

2010-06-07T16:34:00.003-04:00

I Capture Perfect Moments.

Can you believe the little speck a doctor put inside me is now this six month old chunky monkey? Seeing her so happy is sheer mommy bliss.

Photo Friday: The Night

2010-06-04T10:55:00.004-04:00

In the absence of time and energy to write a proper post, I thought I'd participate in Cali's Photo Friday. This week's theme is The Night. I browsed through my photo folders and and pulled out a bunch. The first is taken right in front of my apartment building. The rest are travel photos. The travel photos make me itch for a trip, but with the upcoming moving expenses and the scary thought of travelling alone with a baby, travel is just not in the cards right now. Anyway, enjoy the night.

In front of my apartment.

Jackson Square, New Orleans on a stormy night.

Spooky French Quarter churchyard.

A quiet night on Bourbon Street. Really!

Amsterdam canals.

Do You Know Nate? I Neeeeeeeed Him!

2010-06-01T13:45:00.001-04:00

Nate Berkus, that is. Oprah’s favorite interior designer. He getting to own show, set to start airing in the Fall. I’ve been searching online for production info and can’t find any. So I thought I’d run it by the interwebz.

Sunshine and I would be so perfect for the show. It’s going to be based in NYC and Nate loves kids. (He did an episode of Oprah where he took care of a toddler for a day and rocked it. Although, he said he felt like he was hit by a truck afterwards.) Okay, let me explain why we need Nate. We are currently in my one bedroom apartment. It’s tight. It’s a three room apartment, no dining room, small kitchen with no room for a table. Sunshine's dresser and changing pad (and diaper pail of course) are in the living room. The four room apartment next door has become available. I mean RIGHT NEXT DOOR, as in we share a wall. The owner has accepted my offer. Now it’s a matter of formalities with the coop board and selling my apartment.

This apartment is PERFECT for us! It’s what’s referred to in NYC real estate terms as a junior four. A four room apartment where the dining room is usually used as a second bedroom. (There is already a small closet that was built in that room, although I want to have a bigger closet built all along that wall.) The kitchen is about three times as big as my current kitchen. Totally enough room to put a nice sized table and chairs. But boy, does it need work! And after dealing with the purchase price (minus the sale of my current one), there isn’t much money for fixing it up. Oh, but the potential!

So, Nate, are you out there????? Single mom, very photogenic baby, landmark NYC (Queens) apartment, with some wonderful original architectural details. Original doors and transoms, French doors, etc. And the interesting challenge of making it look great and baby proofing at the same time. Great TV!

Nate, we need you! Email me, okay?

Poisoned!

2010-05-27T16:11:00.001-04:00

Warning: Vomity TMI

At least that's how it felt. I've been sick since Sunday night. I thought it was food poisoning. We went to a Mexican restaurant Sunday evening with my sister and niece. Now as I hear from so many other people that have been hit, I think it's a bad stomach virus. I don't think I've ever been this sick. Still not feeling great, but making myself eat some plain food, because I think at this point some of my wobbly feeling is from not eating.

I truly felt as if someone had poisoned me. Was feeling queasy when I woke up to nurse Sunshine at 2:45am. Thankfully, she went back to sleep soundly after her late night snack. The hurling began at 3. Other end around 4:30. The weird part was the horrible hip pain. I was diagnosed with bursitis in both hips last week, and had cortisone shots in both. By Saturday it was kicking in and I was feeling better, but as soon as I started spewing, they started hurting. BAD! So I'm lying in bed, moaning in misery, unable to find a comfortable position. After the third run to the bathroom with my mouth filling, I stationed a bucket by the bed. Water would not stay down. But I kept drinking, trying to keep somewhat hydrated, and to avoid the dry heaves and vomiting bile.

When Sunshine woke at around 6, I felt so overwhelmed. Couldn't handle nursing, also probably didn't have much milk, since I was definitely dehydrated by then. Hallelujah, there was a premixed 3 oz bottle of formula and a disposable nipple in the diaper bag by the bed. Fed her this with her lying next to me, while I was flat on my back. Ran my options through my head. My mother and her husband were out of town for the weekend. Knew they were coming back that day, but were pretty far away. My next door neighbor adores Sunshine, but she's in her 80s (I think). Upstairs neighbor has offered to help, but I don't know her well. Ah! A friend in the neighborhood who has been so generous with hand me downs from her daughter. Not just clothes, but major baby equipment. She told me if I ever needed anything I should call. I didn't know what time she leaves for work, so a little after 6:30 I called, explained the situation, and asked if she could come by and bring Sunshine to daycare. She immediately said she could. What a lifesaver!

So Sunshine is babbling away next to me in bed, but I can tell she has a load in her diaper. The changing stuff is in the other room. Damn! I could have changed her right there with stuff from the diaper bag, but I had a feeling it was a major poopy load, and didn't want to risk getting anything on the bed. Carried her to the other room. Needed to sit down and rest first. Changed the loaded diaper. (Just the thing when you're nauseous. NOT!) Needed to sit down and rest again. Brought her clothes back to the bedroom, got the onesie she slept in off, but then I was spent. Lying in bed with a nakey baby in just a diaper. Her clothes on the bed next to us. I kept apologizing to her. My angel/friend arrived! I thanked her and apologized that I didn't have Sunshine ready. Not a problem. Her daughter is almost 13 months older, so I think she enjoyed dressing my little one. Then off they went.

The vomiting didn't let up until mid-afternoon. Still felt horrible. Very weak. Got hold of my mother. They were on their way back, but it would be a while. My friend had offered to pick up Sunshine as well, and either bring her to me or bring her to her place. I called and asked if she could pick her up and watch her until my mother arrived. I am so lucky! She and her husband and daughter enjoyed my smiley girl for a couple of hours. They brought her home about 10 minutes before my mother got there. And with a shopping bag full of hand me down clothes! (Sunshine rocks the hand me downs!) I missed my girl, but I still felt like crap. My mother was a help, but of course she wanted to play with the baybeee. Said babe finally fell asleep 2 hours later than usual when my mother (AKA The Distraction) left the room for a few minutes. I had a piece of toast and a little bit of chicken soup.

Tuesday morning my mother took Sunshine to daycare and went home. I had actually been planning to take this day as a personal day for a follow up with the foot surgeon. Called their office as soon as it opened and changed the appt from 9am to 12:30. Dozed a little before I had to leave for the appt. (Surgeon said foot is healing on schedule (it still hurts), and that it should feel better in another 2-3 months.) Of course I had to wait for the dr. It was a little after 2pm that I was seen for my 12:30 appt. Rushed home so I could try to get more rest before picking up Sunshine. Passed out! Woke up 15 minutes before the daycare center closes. Oh, fuck! Threw on my clothes and ran the 10 minutes over there. All I ate Tuesday was some chicken soup.

Yesterday I made it to work. Only lasted until 11:45 before I told my boss I needed to go home. Had a decent nap before getting Sunshine. It was over 90° yesterday. That didn't help. What did help is that my delightful daughter slept 8 hours straight! All I ate yesterday was a plain roll and some more chicken soup.

Which brings us to today. At work. I'm eating, even though food is still very unappealing, as I think the lack of fuel is contributing to my feeling wonky.

There's got to be a better way to lose the IVF/baby weight!

So how's your week going?

City Girl

2010-05-18T18:50:00.001-04:00

Hi Everyone! It’s me, Squeaker. Mommy says since Elizabeth gets to blog, so can I! Oh, yeah, Mommy says I need a new nickname. She says I don’t squeak anymore, I squeal. For some reason, she says Squealer isn’t a good nickname. She tells me I am her Sunshine. So you can call me Sunshine, too.

We had such a fun time last weekend. On Saturday Mommy and I snuggled in bed for a while. I had some of the yummy milk Mommy has and we cuddled and went back to sleep. Then we got dressed and went to our music and dance class. It’s so much fun. We look at the other babies and go in circles and play music. Here’s a picture of me making music with sticks. Mommy says no one should buy me a drum set. Why not?

I was very tired after class, so I went to sleep while Mommy pushed me in the stroller. Then later we had a nice visit with Mommy’s friend and her big girl. It was a great day!

Sunday was even busier! We woke up earlier. I wanted to laugh and play, so we didn’t stay in bed. I had a bath. I love to splash with my feet. Mommy put my robe on me after my bath. She said she didn’t want me to get my clothes dirty before we went out. Huh? Then I had some milk and took a little nap. Mommy says I look like I’m having a spa day in my robe.

Then we took the subway to Manhattan. I like the subway! It moves fast, and all the people smile at me and talk to me.

We went to a restaurant with Mommy’s friend and her big boy. He can walk and eat food with a spoon. It looks like lots of fun. Can I have some please?

After the restaurant, we took a walk. It was very sunny, so I had to wear my sunhat. Do you like it?

It was such a busy and exciting day. When we got home Mommy said I was overtired. I don’t know what she means. I still wanted to play. I didn’t want to go to sleep. So Mommy gave me my favorite toy to play with.

I guess I was a little tired.

The Celebratory Society

2010-05-14T16:00:00.000-04:00

Please forgive my slacker blogging. I caught the baby's cold, and now my allergies are bothering me on top of the cold. Add in sleep deprivation and working full time, and it's hard to put my thoughts together for a coherent post. It's even hard to keep up with all my blog reading, but I try, and I try to leave comments when I can. So I thought Mel's latest project would be a good incentive for me to write more than quick, one sentence comments and a way for me to soak up some of the love from the most loving gang on the net.

Think of this as the most interesting delurking project you'll ever participate in. After giving back to others at the Celebratory Society, I have decided to participate in it myself. You can understand the project in full by clicking here, but in brief, the Celebratory Society is an online festschrift for a blogger--a way for you to tell me what my blog or actions mean to you. But this isn't about me--this is about you too. And I would love it if you returned to your own blog, started your own Celebratory Society post, added it to the main project list, and gave me the opportunity to tell you about...you.

I'm Such a Bad Blogger

2010-05-07T16:43:00.002-04:00

I know, I know. I owe you all a major update. I'm tired. Really tired. Squeaker has bronchitis. Poor baby. First time she's been sick. It hurts my chest when she coughs. :-(

I will try to write a proper post soon. Really wanted to join Project IF. Might write a post anyway.

Here's some cuteness from last weekend to tide you over. Can you believe my girl is over 5 months old!?!

Truth, Lie, and Bounce (and other miscellaneous stuff)

2010-04-16T13:25:00.001-04:00

Mel posted a fun game this week. We were to comment with either a truth or a lie, then post on our blogs whether we were telling the truth or not. Yup, my comment was the truth. And of course there was drama involved. I managed to stay out of most of the drama, and thankfully the wedding went off without a hitch. My main gripe (which I basically kept to myself so as not to be "difficult") was that the maid of honor decided on a date for the bridal shower without consulting anyone else in the bridal party. My ex (not an ex at the time) had gotten tickets to see Bonnie Raitt that night as my birthday gift. The tickets were sold and I attended the shower. But, DAMN!

Miscellaneous stuff: a few things I could use some mom advice on.

Squeaker's got some irritation around her neck. I'm sure it's just from sweat, spit up, and drool getting in the folds of her adorable chub. Suggestions for combatting that?
What baby sunscreen do you suggest for my fair skinned girl.
When did you stop swaddling? My mother says it's dangerous to swaddle her now that she can roll over, but she still flails a lot in her sleep if she's not swaddled. I really think she sleeps better swaddled. I know I do, since she's not smacking and kicking me.

Oh, and regarding Mel's revelation that she's "deathly afraid of mayonnaise," she's not alone. I have a good friend who's also mayo-phobic. She refers to it as "M" or "the M word." We'll be out at a restaurant and I'll ask if she wants to share an appetizer and she'll say, "I think in has 'M' in it."

FINALLY! The Birth Story.

2010-04-07T17:09:00.000-04:00

Oh, I’ve been meaning to write the birth story for so long. Don’t really have a great excuse, except the girl keeps me busy at home, and work has been busy. I have a little breather at work today, so let’s see how much I can get down. It’s a really good story … IMO. And lucky for me, my doula took notes at the hospital, so I can get the timing right.

Well, it started on Saturday, November 28th at about 10:30pm. Suddenly my underwear was wet. Not a big gush or anything, but not a few drops either. I wasn’t sure if my water had broken or I just peed myself. I mean, 38 week pg women do pee themselves. But I didn’t have that “gotta pee” feeling, so I had a suspicion it was amniotic fluid. I called my doula and told her. I said I felt fine otherwise. She thought I could call the dr or I could wait. I decided to wait. I didn’t relish the idea of taking a car service to the hospital ($40-50) only to have them send me home. I also called my mother. She said it was the same for her when her water broke with me. Just a trickle, no gush. I tried to relax and get some sleep, but began feeling crampy in my lower abdomen. This was where I’d been having painful round ligament pain for weeks, so I really didn’t think much of it at first. I expected my whole belly to tighten with contractions. (BTW, I never experienced that.)

I was crampy enough that I didn’t get much sleep. Kept going to the bathroom to check for anything happening, but nothing was. By morning, I was checking with Dr. Google. What do you know, it appeared this kind of cramping is an indication of early labor. I still wasn’t terribly concerned, as I really felt basically fine. Called the doula again and she said it was time to call the dr. I called and left a message, and the on call OB called me back. When I told him what was happening, he told me to come in to the hospital. He asked how long it would take me. I told him I could be there in about an hour. I truly thought they would be sending me home, but just in case I had to stay, I ate some Thanksgiving leftovers (in case they wouldn’t let me eat) and took a shower. I called my mother and told her I was going to the hospital. I had already decided and discussed with her that she should come after the birth. I complained about the cost of a car service to the hospital. (If I could get a metered cab in my neighborhood, it would be $20-25, but they are not available, so the car service is $40-50.) My mother said that if I felt okay, I should take the subway. I figured if I wound up staying, she could pick up my hospital bag on her way.

So, taking my sweet time, I headed out. I stopped at Starbux on my way to the subway. The nice young woman behind the counter, who’d been watching my belly grow for months, asked how I was feeling. “I’m okay. Actually, I’m on my way to the hospital. But I think they’re going to send me home, so give me a coffee and a blueberry scone.” I took the first train that arrived at my station going to Manhattan (I live near a hub). Sat down and sipped my coffee. Then the man next to me started coughing. Geez! I never got so much as a cold while pregnant, I didn’t want to get sick now. So I got up and moved to the other end of the subway car. When I got off the train, I took a taxi the 19 blocks to the hospital.

As I’m signing in at the L&D front desk, I can hear the OB on call talking about me down the hall, wondering where I was. It was now about 3 hours since I called. I was taken to an exam room and changed into a gown. The OB barged in before I was completely changed. Whatever. “So what took you so long?” I explained that I had something to eat and took a shower before leaving. He smiled and said he didn’t blame me for doing that. I got on the gurney, and he unceremoniously stuck what felt like his whole hand up me. “Your water has broken, but you’re only 50% effaced and less than a 1/2 cm dilated.” He said that since my water had broken over 12 hours ago, but I wasn’t progressing, we needed to move things along. I was staying, and they would start me on pitocin.

An IV was started and I was taken to a L&D room. The room was actually lovely. Nice big windows with a view of the city, and except for the monitors, the medical equipment was in a closet behind closed doors. Monitors were strapped on and the pitocin was started. I called my doula and she left to join me. I arrived at the hospital about 1pm and the pitocin was started around 1:30. I made a few other calls. Called my BFF who said she would come for a while. (She has her own donor baby who was nearly 14 months at that time.) The nurse was asking questions and charting everything. Of course, she had my age on the chart, so she said, “So you had an amnio?” The look of horror on her face when I said “no” was kind of amusing. Like she expected I would give birth to a 3-headed baby. “Not my old eggs,” I assured her.

I was very happy when my doula arrived. Even though I was still just feeling crampiness, Squeaker was not tolerating the contractions very well. With every contraction, her heart rate would drop. The nurse kept repositioning me, and occasionally had me on oxygen. My BFF arrived around 4. We all chatted. I was really feeling okay, and surprisingly relaxed. A little before 5pm the anesthesiologist came in to discuss the epidural and go over the consent forms. By now the contractions had become more painful, and I decided it was time for the epidural. It took about a half hour for them to be ready to administer it. They sent my doula and friend to the waiting room. BFF told my doula that she wished it would go quickly so she could be there for the birth. They were back in the room by 5:45, and I was soon feeling better. Shortly thereafter, the OB came in and did another internal exam. Nothing happening. Long and closed.

Around 7, the nurse inserted a catheter. Ick! 7:15 the OB came in and explained that they had lowered the pitocin because of Squeaker’s dipping heart rate, but it was better now, so they would increase it again. He said he would come to check my cervix again in a couple of hours. BFF had to go home to her babe and hubby. A new L&D nurse came on duty. I swear, she looked about 12, but she was great. I made some phone calls. Cancelled my acupuncture appt that I had scheduled to do some points to bring on labor. Obviously didn’t need that now! Left messages cancelling the chiro and the PT appt for my foot. Left a voice mail at my office informing them that I was officially on leave. They kept me on oxygen at this point to help keep Squeaker oxygenated, since they had increased the pitocin. Around 8:15 they turned it up more. An hour or so later the OB checked my cervix again. No progress at all. He estimated that it could easily take another 18-24 hours of pitocin to fully dilate. He also noted that I am narrow. (Something I’m well aware of, as I became accustomed to REs apologizing as they tried to insert the dildocam.) He said that even if I did fully dilate (which he wasn’t sure would happen), I might not be able to deliver vaginally due to this. Having discussed their c-section policy with my OB, I knew that the drs in this practice prefer vaginal deliveries. It’s a large group practice, so someone is always on call in L&D at the hospital. So there’s no rush to deliver before a shift is over. I asked the OB what he thought I should do. He recommended a c-section. I totally felt it was up to me. I was being monitored, and Squeaker was okay at the moment. But my priority was a healthy baby, not some mystical birth experience. I agreed to the c-section.

Suddenly I got nervous! Preparations began. Forms were signed. We had to wait for an OR to become available. I called my mother and told her she could start making her way to the hospital to meet her new granddaughter, but to please stop at my apartment and pick up my bag. I figured this would have her arriving shortly after the delivery. I joked with the OB that I was glad to have a dr who was older than me for a change. He laughed at that. (But as an aside, while prepping me in the OR, he asked why I waited so long to have a baby. “D’oh, I forgot!” Gee, does it take a rocket scientist to figure out why a single woman might wait before deciding to have a baby on her own?)

I was wheeled into the OR at 10:25. More anesthetic was administered through the epidural. Oh, my! A c-section feels weird! I think I felt everything but the incisions. It didn’t hurt, but I felt lots of tugging and pushing and pulling. At 10:40 my daughter entered the world and howled at her arrival. What an incredible sound! Of course, some tears were shed. As they toweled her off, the nurses told me how beautiful she was. They took her footprints and swaddled her, while she loudly announced her presence. I called out to her, “Hi baby. Mama’s right here.” Then she was in my arms. I was holding her within 5 minutes of her birth. On one side of the drape the OB was putting my insides back together, and on the other I was meeting my daughter. She stopped crying once she was in my arms. I stroked her perfect cheeks and told her how much I loved her.

Soon the epidural was removed and I was taken to recovery. I immediately felt like crap. Very nauseous. I felt like I needed to throw up, but when I tried to take a deep breath to retch, I discovered I couldn’t. The anesthetic went too high for me take a deep breath. This made me feel panicky. I knew it was from the epidural and would pass soon, but it still freaked me out. I retched a bit before the nausea passed, but didn’t actually throw up. Then the shaking started. I had heard of this reaction after an epidural is removed, but it’s still freaky. Shaking as if I was badly chilled, except I wasn’t cold. Just had to wait it out. Held Squeaker skin to skin. She nursed a bit, but was mostly content to snuggle. She was very alert. MY DAUGHTER! WOW!! My mom arrived to meet her. It was late, so she just stayed about an hour.

Then we were taken to the postpartum unit. They took Squeaker for about 20 minutes to clean her up a little more. I settled into my room and posted here (on my iTouch) that my girl had arrived.

There you have it. Our birth story. Better late than never.

Photo Friday With Cali

2010-04-02T23:54:00.002-04:00

Calliope at Creating Motherhood is running a weekly linky post called Photo Friday. Each week there will be a theme. This week's theme is sinks and tubs. Since I haven't had time for a real post, here's a chance to show off my girl. She's smiling and laughing all the time now. JOY!

This is my mother's kitchen sink. I'll be sad when she gets too big for kitchen sink baths.

Also for your amusement, here is a picture I've posted before of me in the bath. (Same duck graphic preserving our internet decorum.)

One Year Ago Today …

2010-03-25T14:51:00.001-04:00

the clump of cells that became my daughter was thawed after being frozen for over four years. One year ago today I got up at 4am to fly to Canada for my second FET. My flight was at 6:20am. I dropped my bag at the hotel and grabbed a taxi to the clinic. Except for a long wait with a very full bladder, the transfer was uneventful. Ten days later I saw two lines.

This morning, one year later, I woke up to a smiley, sweet baby.

Miracles happen.

Help Create a Family. Spread the Word!

2010-03-23T10:55:00.004-04:00

Please take a few minutes to watch this video. Maybe you know someone. Or you know someone who knows someone. This woman is a friend. She's so loving and so ready to be a mom. She'll be a great mom. For obvious reasons, I believe in the power of the internet to help create families. Let's do it again!

Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me About Dream Feeding?

2010-03-17T11:13:00.002-04:00

OMG! It rocks! Who knew you could feed a baby while they were asleep! A coworker told me about it last week. Day care wears her out, so she’s been going to sleep earlier. YAY! She was so tired on Friday, that she was sound asleep when I got her home (around 6:15). By 9pm by boobs were quite full, but she was still out cold. I gently put my nipple to her mouth and lo and behold, she started to suck. She fed pretty well, and then I was able to swaddle her and put her down without waking her. Weekends she doesn’t conk out so early, because I like to sleep in if she’ll let me. But last night we did it again. She fell asleep nursing around 8pm. A little after 11, when I was ready to go to bed, I first swaddled her this time (no wakey!), then gave her the boob. Totally efficient sleep nursing! Then mommy got to sleep until 3:30!!! A little side lying nursing and she was out again. She slept through the alarm, I was able to take a shower, then she woke up smiling. My sunshine!

Update From Mommyland

2010-03-08T15:05:00.001-05:00

Still here. Been reading, but haven’t found the time/energy to post or comment much.

Squeaker is an awesome girl! 14 weeks old yesterday! She’s cooing and smiling like crazy. I simply can’t describe how it feels when she smiles at me. She’s not squeaking so much anymore, so might need a new nickname.

Back at work for a little over a week now. Started back on Thursday, February 25th, but then got snowed in the next day. Last week was my first full week back. It’s hard leaving her, but I’m very comfortable with her care. She is at a beautiful new day care center in my neighborhood. It’s bright and cheerful. The staff is well trained (infant and child cpr, and the woman in charge of the infant room has a degree in early child development), and very caring. They’re always happy to see Squeaker (even though one day last week she managed to spit up on EVERYONE), and she is just at the age where she is becoming interested in all the people around her, so she is enjoying the other babies. And the big plus, all the activity is wearing her out! She is sleeping like a dream. Sometimes 6-7 hours the first stretch. After the first long stretch of sleep she doesn’t nurse for long because she falls back to sleep, so then she generally does 2 hours at a time. Usually I can get up and get myself and her stuff ready before I wake her to nurse and get her dressed. Sometimes she falls back to sleep on the walk to day care.

Oh, and right on schedule, the nighttime fussiness and clusterfeeding has abated!

Pumping at work is not so bad, but it’s time consuming. I can’t really double pump. I’m just too big to maintain proper suction easily on both sides. The one time I tried I wound up with milk dripping all over on one side. I can’t risk that at work, so I do 10-15 minutes on each side. I take my iTouch with me and watch videos (I download whatever is free on iTunes, and will occasionally purchase something).

I still have a lot of swelling in my foot from the surgery, so the commute is tough. I think the surgery worked, because I don’t have the tightness in my heel that I had before, but it’s just very tender. Started back at physical therapy last week (thank goodness it’s literally around the corner from my office, so I can go during my lunch hour), and he said the fascia feels better, but the area (particularly around the incision) is swollen.

I am loving the mommy thing! On the subway on my way to pick her up, I get excited about seeing her. Kind of like the butterflies before a hot date. Although I do wish she wouldn’t save the poopie blowouts for mommy. I keep telling her, “Poop at day care. I’m paying them a lot of money to change your diapers!”

One thing I’m finding interesting is when I explain about donor embryo and when I don’t. I am generally very open, as I really would like to see this “normalized.” Sometimes it’s a matter of time. Like when I was in a café and putting a fussy Squeaker in her snowsuit and someone said she saw the resemblance between us. We really don’t look alike, but I just smiled. Or the other morning when I dropped her off at day care and another parent commented about how blue her eyes were and asked if there were blue eyes in my family. I said that there were, which is true. On the other hand, this morning at day care another mom was telling me that she and her husband were talking about how cute Squeaker was and that they thought she looked like a cabbage patch doll. I said she was my little miracle. “Oh, you had trouble?” she asked. I told her my age, which shocked her (guess I’m not too sleep deprived!), and told her that Squeaker was the result of embryo donation, that she has a brother and sister in Canada, and had been frozen for over 4 years. The other mom smiled and said she got chills. My little family was built with so much love, there’s nothing to be secretive or ashamed of.

Here’s some recent cuteness for you all!

A big shout out the to my fellow SMCs who’ve given birth recently! It’s hard not having an extra pair of hands sometimes, but it’s sooooooo worth it. Congrats, Genkicat, Meg, Heather and Jo!

Something Sweet for Valentine's Day updated

2010-02-14T12:23:00.001-05:00

I have to upload more recent pictures from my camera, so this is from 2 weeks ago. I have never been more in love on Valentine's Day!

More scrumptious than chocolate!

Update: My Valentine's gift from precious—a massive poopy diaper blow out while I was nursing her after dinner. Delightful.

Oh, FUCK! I hate this.

2010-02-08T23:33:00.000-05:00

A dear friend is probably about to miscarry. We met at the clinic over blood draws. She's also single, so we bonded over that. She spent her savings on this donor egg cycle. Her 22 yo donor did not do as well as hoped. 10 eggs, 6 fertilized, 2 were transferred on day 3, but there was nothing to freeze on day 5. But we were thrilled when her betas were sky high. Then 2 weeks ago she saw a heartbeat. She was barfing her guts up. At her ultrasound today she was told that the embryo was not growing as it should and that she would miscarry soon. She's insisting on another u/s next week. Please keep her in your thoughts.

How To Scare A Baby

2010-01-30T21:11:00.006-05:00

I've been wanting to post. Really. Still have to write out the birth story. But Squeaker still wants to be held nearly ALL THE TIME. Right now she's miraculously asleep in her swing, so I can actually type with 2 hands. It's also finally given me the opportunity to upload recent pictures from my camera. So there's cuteness to come!

Okay, about the title of this post. Last week Squeaker was wearing a very cute outfit with a hood. She fell asleep nursing, and I ever so gently put her down in her bouncy seat, hoping she'd sleep for at least a little while. I put the hood up, so it wouldn't be bunched behind her back. The hood fell somewhat over her eyes, but I didn't think much of it, other than that it looked cute, and maybe the darkness would help her sleep more peacefully. She looked so cute, I took a picture.

A little while later, when I was in the next room, I hear the loudest scream from her. I race to her, and find her in a panic with the hood totally over her eyes. Poor baby must have thought she went blind!

Here's some more cuteness.

Being held by her cousin.

The best place to nap EVAH!

Her grandmother LOVES giving her baths in the kitchen sink.
(Photo carefully cropped so as not to show baby girl bits.)

If any of my bloggy friends would like a birth announcement (I designed them, and I'm rather pleased), email me your address.

HELLO Out There!!

2010-01-07T11:40:00.001-05:00

As you probably know, it's International Blog Delurking Week. I'd love to write a funny post about this, but I'm tired and my typing time is limited by this girl who's asleep on my chest.

I'm very curious about certain lurkers who I can see have been consistently reading. Hello Reykjavík, Iceland. Please say hi, I know you've been reading for a long time. Hey, Malmö, Sweden, Normandy, France, and Singapore. I have quite a few readers in Germany, but I don't think I've ever gotten a comment from there. Yo, Bermuda, do you have a guest room? Can I come visit? ;-) Howdy, Texas, Lexington & Louisville Kentucky, Cleveland, Tulsa, Oklahoma, and Schererville, Indiana. Eh, Saskatchewan, say hello. Closer to home, a shout out to Rego Park.

So come on lurkers. Delurk! Please feel free to do so anonymously. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

P.S. Update on little Squeaker: she had her 1 month checkup (a little late due to my foot surgery) on Tuesday, and weighed in at 8lbs. That's nearly a 2lb gain from her birth weigh of 6lbs 1oz. You go, girl!

A Miracle Baby Speaks Out With Pride!

2010-01-04T17:36:00.004-05:00

Just came across this on YouTube. My daughter is the result of an open embryo donation, but the embryos donated to me were created with an anonymous egg donor. Although the things this young woman says corresponds with the research I have read, it's lovely to hear.

Happy New Year everyone!

Because I’m THAT tough!

2009-12-30T00:20:00.001-05:00

Savvy or stupid? You decide. You know that foot surgery I’ve been talking about for months? I had it done yesterday. Just 4 weeks after my c-section. But really, I had some very good reasons for having it done so soon. The biggest reason was financial. My insurance co-pays and deductibles are increasing a lot for 2010. And I have already paid my out of pocket maximum for 2009. So having the surgery in this calendar year costs me NOTHING out of pocket. If I were to have it even next week, it would likely have cost me somewhere in the neighborhood of $1,000 in co-pays and deductibles. Also, I just wanted to get it over with. I’m sick and tired of this foot pain.

So yesterday, before the ass crack of dawn, my mother drove me and the baby to the orthopedic hospital. I was told to be there at 6:30am. (BTW, I still haven’t thought of a permanent blog nickname for baby girl, but for the moment I am calling her Squeaky. I’m very lucky, she hardly ever really cries, but when she fusses she makes these little squeaky noises.) Knowing that the surgery would be done with twilight anesthesia and an ankle block, and that I would be pumping and dumping for 24 hours, I wanted to be able to nurse her until the last possible moment when they took me to pre-op. Both the man who took care of the initial paperwork and the nurse who was to escort me to pre-op suggested I nurse in the bathroom. Ummm, no. I didn’t use the bathroom in the waiting area, but according to my mother, there wasn’t even a chair in there. Did they expect me to sit on the toilet to breastfeed? Ewwww! I was wearing a nursing top and had a blankie to drape. I was appropriately discrete in the waiting area.

Then the nurse took me to pre-op, where the surgeon stopped by to initial my foot with a marker to indicate which one he was operating on. He was impressed with how well I’m doing after such a recent c-section. (Hey, 10 weeks of self administered PIO, I’m tough as nails.) The anesthesiologist, a resident, and a PA all came by to go over things and have me sign even more paperwork. I peed in a cup for (bwahahahahaha!) a pregnancy test. Turns out I was very lucky it was negative, as it would not have been unusual to get a positive so soon after delivering, and if it was positive, despite the fact that we know I’m not pregnant, I would have had to fill out a shitload of additional paperwork, possibly delaying the surgery. (Geez, what a sentence. Maybe I shouldn’t blog on percocet.)

I walked to the OR. They got a step stool for me to get on the table. Started the IV, and off to dreamland. Woke up in recovery, where they gave me a nice tuna sandwich. After a while in recovery, they took me to another area where a physical therapist gave me a quick lesson in crutches. Then they let my mother come back with Squeaker. Gimme my baybee!!! The surgeon came by and said everything went well and of course he admired my beeyootiful baby, and we were allowed to leave. It must have been quite a confusing site at the orthopedic hospital to see the woman being wheeled out in a wheelchair carrying a little baby. (They do not have an obstetrics dept.)

Went home and pumped (and dumped) and napped. In the evening, despite some pain and under the influence of percocet, I finished the design of Squeaker’s birth announcement and uploaded it to the printer. Because I’m THAT tough! ;-)

That was my Monday. How was yours?

About Babywearing. Plus Camera Advice Requested. AND A PICTURE!

2009-12-23T20:06:00.002-05:00

Thanks for all the great comments. Sorry I’ve been a terrible commenter. I’ve been reading, but it’s hard to comment more than a few words here and there.

About all the babywearing suggestions. I actually have 4 options. I have a Hotsling, a maya wrap, a Moby wrap, and an Ergo carrier with the infant insert. 3 of them hand me downs, 1 a gift. A big part of the problem is how constantly she wants to nurse. She’ll nod off while nursing, I’ll burp her, then I keep her upright for a while to keep spitting up to a minimum, but often within 5 minutes of taking her off the boob, she’ll be awake again and rooting for more. This literally goes on for hours. I’m sore! When I can wear her, the Hotsling is easiest around the house, since it’s the easiest to take on and off. But it’s the hardest on my back.

It’s really amazing how she’ll seem to be out cold in my arms for quite a while, but within 2 minutes of gently putting her down, she’s fussing or crying. I am not going to let my 3 week old CIO. (BTW, anyone have a good comeback for the ~~idiots~~ well meaning people who tell me I shouldn’t spoil her? Spoil a newborn! Puleeze!)

Re camera advice, I have a decent “point and shoot,” but have been thinking about getting a digital SLR to take better pictures of my cutie pie. Any suggestions for a moderately priced camera?

Here’s a little cuteness for you all.

Happy holidays from us!

Seriously, this ROCKS!

2009-12-16T22:00:00.001-05:00

I’m tired, but not horribly sleep deprived. I’ve managed 3 showers in the last 2 1/2 weeks, but I don’t care. My daughter can gnaw at my boobs for hours at a time, and when she’s not nursing or sleeping, only wants to be held. It makes it hard to type. When she’s sleeping, I’m either trying to sleep myself, or getting something done around the apartment. Still feeling guilty about the list of thank you notes that is getting longer. But ya know, when I have a few minutes, the sink full of dirty dishes (or other household chore) needs attending. Or I'm trying to eat something. I admit to getting cookie crumbs in baby girl’s hair the other day, munching while nursing. I’m pleased with myself today because I managed to finish filling out the FMLA paperwork. Tomorrow’s goal is taking care of my insurance stuff. Adding baby girl to my plan, and making flex spending and dependent child care account decisions. (Hate the “use it or lose it” aspect of this.)

Ummm, newborns are really demanding. But I am so madly in love with her, and am drinking in her baby sweetness. Her skin is truly the softest thing I’ve ever felt. Her cheeks and belly are getting rounder. So smoochable! I can’t describe the feeling I get when she’s content with a full belly, and just gazes at me. I love being her mommy!

Oh, I know this post is all over the place, but it’s what I can manage right now. I will write the obligatory birth post when I can. BTW, I highly recommend the Itzbeen for new, sleep deprived moms.

Perfect Moment Monday — Satisfaction

2009-12-07T16:48:00.002-05:00

I haven’t participated in Perfect Moment Monday before, but I’m too overwhelmed with my amazing 8 day old daughter to write a longer post, and I wanted to share this moment.

I think baby girl is getting ready for a growth spurt. She wanted to nurse for HOURS last night. At one point after sucking steadily for about 30 minutes, she let go of my nipple, turned her head to the side, smacked her lips, and let out a satisfied, “Aaaaaah!”

These are the moments I want to remember. I’ve waited so long for her, I want to drink in these simple moments.

She's sleeping next to me right now, but I've been hearing the unmistakable sounds of her filling her diaper. So I'm off to partake in another mommy moment.

Here She Is!!!!

2009-12-06T21:49:00.004-05:00

Much to tell you all, but a bit overwhelmed right now. Baby girl was born one week ago. She is a delightful baby. When she fusses, all she needs is a quick cuddle or a boob, and she's great. I want to protect her privacy, so will not be using her name here. I am posting a photo with her name embedded in it, but that way it's not in the text and not searchable.

I'm taking suggestions on what to call her here. I could just call her S, but certain bloggers (Aunt Becky ;-)) have said they find that annoying. So help me out here.

I will write more when I can. Enjoy the deliciousness.

BTW, I had decided on her second middle name before I found out that a certain famous mommy blogger had given her second daughter that name.

She's Perfect!!!!!!!

2009-11-30T02:00:00.002-05:00

My daughter arrived via c-section at 10:40 pm on November 29th. She's gorgeous! I'm madly in love. I will probably post her name embedded in a photo the way Calliope did after W's birth, so it's not searchable. So you'll have to wait for that. And for more details, as I'm posting this from my iTouch. I may try to convince my mother to bring my MacBook from my apartment, but I'm not going to count on her cooperation with that. So you may have to wait until Thursday for a photo and details.

It still feels surreal. Right now she is in the nursery being further cleaned up and checked out, but then she will be with me. Feeling her soft baby skin against mine is the most wonderful feeling.

Holy crap, I'm a mommy!!!!!!

Admitted!

2009-11-29T13:34:00.002-05:00

Well, I thought I was leaking some amniotic fluid last night, but wasn't sure. Had some lower abdominal cramping, but no contractions. Called my doula, but not the dr. The cramping kept me up most of the night, so after talking to the doula again this morning, I called the dr's office. They said to come in. I expected that, but didn't think much of it, since I hadn't had any contractions. Baby girl was and has continued to wiggle around. I took my time getting ready. Ate some Thanksgiving leftovers and took a shower. I really expected them to check me out and send me home. So I stopped at Starbux to pick up a coffee and a blueberry scone, and took the subway in. That will make for some story for my girl to tell about her birth.

Anyway, when I arrived, I could hear the dr on call talking about me down the hall. They expected me much sooner. Sure enough, my water has broken, but I am not even a cm dialated. I've been admitted, and pitocin has been started. Looks like I'm having a November baby!

Will keep you all posted as I can.

xoxo

Long Awaited Update

2009-11-25T12:24:00.003-05:00

As of today, 37 weeks 2 days! Although I really don't look it. She is measuring perfectly. As of my u/s last Monday (at 36 weeks) she was estimated at 6lbs 5oz. 60th percentile. But when the OB walked into the exam room last Friday, she looked at me and said, "Where are you hiding her?" I think she's hiding against my tailbone, since that's where it hurts!

Sorry to keep you all waiting. I’ve been trying to wrap things up at work and just haven’t able to get anything much done otherwise. The thank you notes that need to be written are taunting me. I feel sooooo guilty about that. Baby girl has received so many beautiful, heartfelt gifts. I'm so incredibly touched. This is going to be one well dressed little girl!

Well, my placenta has moved sufficiently for me to be cleared for a vaginal birth. YAY! But still, being cleared for it doesn’t mean it will happen that way. I really have no great hopes and dreams for the birth other than delivering a healthy baby. (Oh, except could it please not hurt too much?) My blood pressure on the other hand, remains somewhat elevated. I did a 24 hour urine collection (oh, joy!), which showed some protein. Word from the OB yesterday was to continue to monitor my bp with my home monitor, and come in to L&D if it goes over 140/90, or if I have any other symptoms of preeclampsia. She suggested I use evening primrose oil vaginally (5 capsules up the vag at bedtime, prometrium flashbacks), to help soften the cervix in case she needs to induce me. Been doing that since the weekend. I also have an appointment with my acupuncturist next week. I haven’t seen her since I’ve been pregnant. I will have her do points to get labor rolling.

So I think this baby’s going to be here soon!!!! OMG!!!!

In the meantime, I hate to whine, but I am so uncomfortable. Commuting is a killer. Any walking causes lots of low back and round ligament pain. Putting on socks is REALLY hard. (Although, truly one of the few things that has been annoying about doing this as an SMC. I've been very at peace with that aspect. Particularly hearing about friends' marital difficulties lately.) So glad to have this upcoming 4 day weekend. I have told them at work that unless I go into labor sooner, next Wednesday will be my last day.

Oh, she had hiccups this morning. So cute.

Mel’s Show and Tell — Continuity

2009-11-20T12:22:00.001-05:00

I do have an update, but I’ve been swamped at work and exhausted otherwise. All is well. Update soon.

I started commuting on the NYC subway at age 14 to go to high school. Since that was over 20 years ago, you could say I’m a seasoned subway rider. Much has changed on the NYC subways, but much has stayed the same. I want to share a rare pleasure of my years of commuting with you all. There is not much that is a pleasure about commuting by subway.

When I was in high school, there was a young man who played violin in the subway station near my high school. He was very good. It was always a pleasure to listen to him amidst the dirty station, and the clanging, screeching trains. He was also pretty damn cute! He always had a smile for everyone, and was so practiced at playing for a moving pedestrian audience, that he could carry on a quick conversation without missing a note on his violin. Impoverished teenager that I was, I still usually found some change for him.

Over the years (decades!!) I have run into him playing at various subway stations. He always seemed to remember me as a longtime listener (of which I’m sure there are very many). But it’s still nice to see his smile of recognition when he sees me. As an adult, I put paper money in his violin case.

For the last few years I have mainly seen him playing in Grand Central Station. In the last few months, as my belly has grown, I’ve seen him on my way to work and stopped to chat a bit. I was running late this morning when I saw him, so we just exchanged some smiles, a wave from me, and a shout out from him as he continued playing seamlessly. As I waddled to my office, I thought I’d like to share James with you all for Show and Tell. So go take a look and listen to his website. BTW, he’s still pretty damn cute!

Don’t forget to check out what the rest of the class is showing!

A Trip to Labor and Delivery

2009-11-12T17:07:00.002-05:00

No worries. Baby girl and I are fine, and she’s still floating in utero. Just got a little wake up call on Monday that I really am in the home stretch.

Was sitting in a meeting at work Monday morning and realized my ring was tight. Didn’t really think much of it. Just yanked it off with a bit of difficulty and switched it to my pinkie. A couple of hours later I’m on the table at the physical therapist, waiting for him to work on my feet, when I realize that my fingers are actually quite a bit swollen and feel stiff. I asked the PT if he had a blood pressure cuff. He did, and checked my bp. 140/82. Throughout my pregnancy, my bp has been steady at about 110/70. Still didn’t really give it too much thought. I had plans after work to go up to the OB’s office for “meet the drs” night. An opportunity to meet the other drs in the practice, so I won’t have a complete stranger delivering baby girl if my OB isn’t on call when the time comes. So, when I got back to my office I called the OB’s secretary, explained that my bp was a bit high and asked if my OB could see me for a few minutes before the “meet the drs” event. The secretary said she would have a nurse call me back.

A nurse called me back pretty quickly. I explained the situation, and she said I should come in to labor and delivery and get checked out. My boss was in a meeting, so I popped my head in to let him know I was heading to the hospital. Hmmm, suddenly I was a bit light headed. Honestly, I think I just got nervous because the nurse said to come in.

When I arrive at the hospital a security guard asks where I’m going. I tell him, and he asks if I’m there to visit someone. I give him a funny look and point to my 8 month belly. “Oh, I didn’t see it.” I know I’m carrying kind of small, but come on! Get up to L&D, which is VERY busy. The receptionist said that Monday’s are the busiest days. Waited nearly an hour for a room. Peed in a cup, had the bp cuff and the belly monitor strapped on. Soon I’m listening to the reassuring thump thump of my daughter’s heartbeat. I’m told there’s some protein (+1) in my urine and that my bp is close to normal. Hang out for over an hour an a half on the monitor. (Thank goodness for wifi in the hospital. I read blogs on my iTouch. No cell phone reception, but wifi.) Intern takes my info. She’s confused and curious after looking at my chart about why I was on lovenox until week 8. Well, sweetie, you obviously haven’t done your hematology rotation yet or studied much reproductive endocrinology. It was a “let’s try adding this and see if it makes a difference” kind of thing.

Then the resident comes in and does a quick abdominal u/s. Everything looks good. I’m told everything is basically fine and that I’m having some mild contractions, which, BTW, I’m not feeling. I’m told this is to be expected at 35 weeks. Resident then says he wants to check my cervix. I tell him NO! I was given strict instructions from my OB when discussing the placenta issues at 28 weeks that if I came in for anything, I was absolutely not to let anyone do an internal exam. The u/s wand was fine, but nothing else up the vag. “Oh,” said the resident. “You’re right. Thanks.” Sure, kid, but you should have known that from my chart. He told me the attending would be by and then I could go home. He said the attending might want to order some bloodwork and/or a 24 hour urine collection. I got dressed and waited. And waited. Meanwhile, without the monitor thumping away loudly, I can now hear women moaning in labor. YIKES!

Finally, the attending arrives. So at least I got to meet one other dr in my OB’s practice. He’s very personable. Grimaces at the sound of the woman in the next room moaning and says, “You shouldn’t have to hear that yet.” I joke, “Yeah, if I have to listen to that, I want the epidural NOW!” He gets bonus points when he says it breaks his heart to hear the moaning and excuses himself briefly to check on her. When he returns I tell him I have a NST and u/s scheduled for next Monday, and ask if he wants to run any other tests or if I should get in to see my OB before then. He says no, Monday is soon enough, that I’m healthy and should just go home and relax. He suggested I get a home blood pressure monitor and keep an eye on my bp.

I go home and order in a meatball hero. Probably not the best choice considering the bp spike, but I was HUNGRY!

So there you have it. My little labor and delivery adventure. I took the day off work Tuesday and am taking off tomorrow. Next week I will try to just push through, as my boss leaves for a 2 week vacation as of next Thursday. I will have more info on the placenta after Monday’s u/s, but it could be any time now! I MUST FINISH DECLUTTERING MY APARTMENT! I have arranged for someone (a struggling young actress who need the money) to come over for 3 hours on Sunday to help. Since I really can’t pick things up off the floor anymore. Well, I can, but then I need to rest for 10 minutes. I’ve been putting this off because I hate the idea of just supervising someone dealing with my mess, and thought I could do it myself, but I have to admit that I just can’t anymore.

Oh yeah, in other news, Mushy is sick again. Waiting to hear back from the vet about the $500 worth of tests that were run on Tuesday. Fortunately, he didn’t have to stay at the vet’s. The vet gave him some sub-cutaneous fluids and a cortisone shot, and he seems better. But it’s upsetting knowing that when he was SOOOOO sick six months ago we never figured out what was wrong.

Also wondering when my surprise work shower will be. Yeah, I know, but that’s how they do it in my office. It’s a surprise, but they do it for everyone who gets married or has a baby. And they take up a collection. I’m hoping it will make a dent in the damn vet bill.

The Canadian Surprise!

2009-11-04T12:33:00.003-05:00

Surprise is an understatement. Stunned. Flabbergasted. I also rather like the British expression, gobsmacked.

My baby shower was this past Sunday. It was not a surprise shower. Nonetheless, I got an enormous surprise. I walked into my friend’s house to find an unfamiliar, yet somehow familiar, woman standing there expectantly. I attribute my confusion to the fact that we’ve never met face to face, she’s thinner than pictures I’ve seen, her hair is different, and she didn’t have a pair of redheaded four year olds with her.

Have you figured it out? YES!!!! My embryo donor, my friend, my sister by choice, my daughter’s Aunt Kathy!!!!!! She flew down from Canada just for the day to attend my shower. I think the only reason I didn’t cry was that I was so stunned. I did squeal and hug her tightly. There were lots of hugs throughout the afternoon.

My daughter and I are so lucky and so loved!

The shower was wonderful, although my head was spinning all afternoon. I’m planning to send out emails to other guests apologizing for not talking to them that much, I just couldn’t get enough of Kathy! And as if she hasn’t already given me the ultimate gift, she is an incredibly talented knitter and quilter, and knitted a gorgeous baby blanket and hat, and made a stunning quilt. Oh, and she shopped. Among (MANY) other things, baby girl has an adorable sleeper emblazened with “Canada” across the front. Because that’s where she was carefully placed into mommy’s uterus.

So gorgeous!!!

I received so many lovingly chosen gifts. This is going to be one well dressed little girl. It was a wonderful celebration for my little miracle.

After the shower we loaded up the loot and gave Kathy a ride to the airport. I was really glad for this extra time for us to talk. We discussed when we would get together again with all the kids. I can’t wait to meet her twins, and I’m looking forward to seeing Kathy cuddle this girl I’m carrying.

There’s so much more to this, but words really are inadequate. I will just say again how loved I feel.

BTW, another blogger helped Kathy facilitate the surprise. She asked Kristin to surreptitiously get the email address of the friend who hosted the shower well before the invites were sent. I didn’t suspect a thing!

My niece trying on the breastfeeding pillow. She's actually starting to get little bitty breasts! YIKES!

Mel’s Show and Tell — The Kindness of Strangers

2009-10-29T19:36:00.002-04:00

I haven’t participated in Show and Tell for a while, but I’ve been meaning to post about this.

I have been very blessed on this journey. Of course it’s been hard. Physically and emotionally. But had I not had gone down this difficult road to motherhood, I would not have known all of YOU! A woman who started out as stranger who read my blog, gave me the ultimate gift of life and has become family. I had thousands of dollars worth of gonal-f donated to me that enabled me to have my “closure” cycle with my eggs. I’ve received thoughtful gifts from other bloggers. (YAY for lucky socks!) And, oh my! Let’s not forget the massage therapist who came to my hotel room the night before my first donor FET courtesy of a blogger. Oh, I know I’m forgetting things, but those are not the focus of the story I want to tell today.

I talk to strangers. On checkout lines, on the subway, elevators, etc. While on the subway on my way to my little vacation in August, I struck up a conversation with a sweet 8 year old girl and her father. We started chatting on the platform and continued talking on the train. During the conversation I mentioned that I most of the big things for baby girl have been hand me downs. Which I am quite happy about. Infant things get outgrown so quickly, they often show no wear at all. (Not to mention the environmental benefit of not getting everything new.) I mentioned a neighbor I became friends with at the local Starbux who passed on the infant car seat and stroller frame, and a bouncy seat that her daughter has outgrown. (She’ll be at my shower this weekend, and next weekend I’ll attend her daughter’s first birthday party.) The father said, “You know, we have a stroller that we never used. We took it out of the box, but my wife preferred to carry her. I’d be happy to give it to you.” I was kind of stunned, but took his email address. After I got back from my trip I kept meaning to email him, but usually thought about it when I was not at the computer. Eventually I did email him, and about two weeks ago he brought the stroller over. He wasn’t kidding when he said they NEVER used it. It still has plastic wrapped around the handle.

I don’t have a picture of the actual stroller, as I wrapped it in plastic and put it in my basement storage room for now. But with a quick google images search, I found a photo.

This lovely former stranger simply requested that I email him a picture of the baby once she arrives. No problem!!

The world is a good place!

Don’t forget to check what the rest of the class is showing.

What A Difference A Year Makes

2009-10-27T11:25:00.000-04:00

One year ago today I wrote this post. I’d just gotten word that a possible embryo donation situation was not meant to be. I was still trying to complete one IVF cycle with my poor old eggs, even though I knew my chances of success were well under 5%. I felt rejected and dejected.

So I wrote about how I was feeling. I asked how people would feel about donating embryos to a single woman. As you can see, I received thoughtful, caring comments. One of those commenters has changed my life completely. (This is such an understatement! When I first read the comment I felt heartened, but I truly had no expectations that it would lead anywhere. Three days later I received an email from her basically saying, “Let’s talk.” Did we ever!

Today I am merely weeks from meeting this gift. Today this gift is doing a dance routine in my uterus. There is so much more to say, but words simply can’t do justice to my overwhelming feelings.

WHAT A YEAR!!!!

Darling daughter, would you please stop kicking mommy in the stomach?

2009-10-25T19:00:00.002-04:00

Sorry, this is kind of gross.

First time barfing during this pregnancy, and it's in the third trimester! Baby girl is head down and likes to stretch out. I'm short, so her feet have been right up against my stomach and diaphragm. My reflux had been under control until recently (thank you, nexium), but no more. Particularly when I lie down. Once I lay down, I've been regurgitating. Even when it's been quite a while since I ate. I've raised the head of the bed a bit, which was helping somewhat. But for some reason, last night was bad. I kept having to sit up quickly as I felt the gorge rise. Then at one point it was too much ... mad dash for the porcelain.

Is this what I get for dodging morning sickness?

32 Week Update — A Personal Milestone

2009-10-20T16:47:00.007-04:00

Sorry I haven’t updated or kept up much with commenting. Been busy at work, then either crashing when I get home or decluttering/cleaning. Boy, do I have a lot of crap I don’t need or use. I’m not a hoarder by nature, but stuff just accumulates so quickly.

So, 32 week appt and u/s yesterday. I really don’t look 32 weeks pregnant. I’m not a skinny girl, and never expected to be carrying small, but I guess you never know. Even my OB said I don’t look like I’m 32 weeks. I still have no idea what I weigh (I don’t want to know what I gained from treatments and stress while TTC), but I have gained 19 lbs since my first OB appt. (I get on the scale backwards and have the nurse just tell me the difference since the last appt.)

Ultrasound was after OB appt. Even thought the belly is small, baby girl is measuring perfectly. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but I was a preemie. I was born at 32 weeks and weighed 4 lbs. The u/s tech estimated my daughter at about 4 lbs, 4 oz yesterday. 60th percentile. I know it’s just an estimate, but it feels good to think that she’s already a little bigger than I was when I entered the world. Even though I know it doesn't correlate that a preemie would have a preemie, I'm relieved to get this far and have her looking so good.

Placenta has moved up a little bit. Tech said she would call it “low lying” rather than previa. But she’s not the dr. I put in a call this morning to have my OB call me to discuss the u/s results. Haven’t heard back yet. Next u/s and first NST scheduled for 4 weeks from now.

OMG!!! I’M GOING TO HAVE A BAYBEEEEE!!!! I suppose I should realize that from the way she’s rockin’ and rollin’ in there, but it still feels surreal. Watching my belly move is really strange (and wonderful).

I’m getting excited about my shower. It’s less than 2 weeks away. I’m looking forward to celebrating this miracle. My BFF (since we were 14) is hosting, but I designed the invite (and printed them on the color laser printer at work). I’m rather proud of how they came out, so here it is with pertinent info blurred out.

My feet are AWFUL!! So bad yesterday that I used a cane to go to work today. Don’t really think the cane helps much, but it might help me get that seat on the subway. Come on … ya gotta get up for the preggo with a cane!!!

So that’s the deal on Dora’s Bump Watch, etc. What’s up with you? BTW, I got a really cute (BRAND NEW) maternity coat on ebay. (Bought it in August, so it would be cheaper.) If anyone thinks they’ll be just about ready for a maternity coat in January, let me know. I should be able to fit into my regular Winter coat fairly quickly and would be happy to pass it on to someone who can use it for the rest of the season.

MINE!!

2009-10-09T13:32:00.001-04:00

I think Wilson likes baby girl's swing.

Presents Are FUN!

2009-10-06T19:37:00.002-04:00

Considering I am becoming a mom having bypassed the wedding and accompanying bridal shower, I have to say, I am LOVING receiving baby gifts! I have already received gifts from two awesome bloggers. (BTW, you two, thank you notes are coming. I have some in my desk at work and some in my purse. I really don’t have a good excuse, but I will write them and mail them.)

I had a difficult day at work today. We’re working on some things for the big bosses, and whenever we do, my boss gets VERY uptight. I’m uncomfortable and cranky, add my boss’s anxiety to that mix and I get even crankier! So, I’m dragging myself home on my poor, sore feet, and to my delight, find a big box waiting for me in front of my apartment door. Baby girl’s beautiful, fancy, shmancy swing!!! Miss Strawberry Shortcake and I are so lucky and so loved. This past Saturday I got a phone call from a very dear friend saying that she and her daughter were looking at my registry (ummm, actually one of them, I have three, ‘cause I’m just a nut (more on that later)), and wanted to know if it was okay to buy a fancier swing than the one I registered for. How sweet is that!?!? The swing that arrived today is absolutely beautiful! I will leave it in the box for now, so the cats don’t appropriate it. I’m sure there will be a steady stream of visitors coming over to meet my girl when she comes home, I figure I will put one of them to work assembling the swing.

So, here’s the part of the post where I ask the internets for advice and opinions. About all the baby stuff! Most of the big items I'm getting as hand me downs. That truly suits me just fine. I’m so thrilled about finally having the child I’ve wanted … well, FOREVER, that having all brand, spanking, new baby stuff just isn’t important. I registered for the least expensive swing because, as much as I enjoy presents, some friends and family members are struggling in this difficult economy. About my nutty three registries: I first registered at one of the big chains (went to the store with my family, my niece insisted on being in charge of the scanner), but then I was talking to a friend who said I should register with the other big baby chain, because some people prefer to go to the store rather than shopping online, and this chain has more locations. Then, because I really am not a big chain store fan, I registered on Wishpot.com after reading about it on Lori and Chicklet’s All Thumbs Reviews blog. Wishpot is awesome! You download a button to your browser, then you can be on any website (YAY, Etsy!) and just click the button to add items to your list. So tell me dear mom friends, since I’m basically covered for the big stuff, what odds and ends did you find invaluable? Any toy that your baby was particularly captivated by? For instance, my friend who got me the swing said her kids loved the Lamaze mirror. Something I wouldn’t have thought of.

Looking forward to your suggestions!

Inclusive Yet Sensitive. What Would You Do? UPDATED

2009-09-29T15:59:00.003-04:00

Oh, my ALI compatriots, I need your advice. My baby shower will probably be in about 4 1/2 weeks (still firming this up with my friend who’s hosting). We all know how difficult baby showers can be when still struggling with family building. For the most part, this is not an issue for most of the friends I am inviting. But there are a few. I’ve read blog posts and posts on message boards about some people really feeling hurt when not invited to these events (even if they didn’t want to attend). They did not like being treated as too fragile to handle it, and felt excluded. So … I want to invite these friends, but I also want to somehow be VERY CLEAR that it’s absolutely fine if they decline the invitation. As much as I would love having them there, I do not want to cause them any pain. I know these friends are happy for me, but in no way does that mitigate their pain.

My thought was to send them individual emails just before the invitations go out, letting them know to expect the invite, and that I COMPLETELY understand if they don’t want to come. I would also like to give them some options, like waiting until the last minute to decide if they’re feeling up to attending, or dropping by briefly if they’re comfortable with that. There will be yummy food. My friend, Donor Daddy, will be making frittatas with eggs from the chickens on his farm, and there will be booze (I’m thinking makings for mimosas).

What do you think? Any suggestions for the emails?

*UPDATED in response to comments from Niki and BabySmiling*

There will absolutely be NO STUPID SHOWER GAMES!!! Ewwwww! Barf! My BFF, who is hosting the shower, had her DE son last Fall. There were no games at her shower. I will remind her that I don't want such things, but I can't imagine her planning for them. I was kind of shocked at her bridal shower 2 years earlier, when a friend insisted on making the paper plate/ribbons and bows from presents hat. Puleeeeeze!

And there will be other non-moms there. It will be a nice, Sunday brunch. No silly baby decor or favors.

Baby Girl … Perfect! Placenta Location … Not So Much.

2009-09-25T15:53:00.001-04:00

Been meaning to post all week. Tired and ouchy.

28 week ultrasound on Monday. My daughter is measuring right on target. The sonongrapher estimated her to be about 2lbs 11oz. YAY! You go, girl! OB said my belly measured perfectly (OB appt before u/s appt), although other women I see this far along seem SO much bigger than me. I still have no idea how much I weigh. I get on the scale backwards and have the nurse tell me how much I’ve gained since my last appt. (I just don’t want to know how much I gained while cycling. It’s all baby weight as far as I’m concerned.) From my first OB appt at 8 weeks until Monday at 28 weeks, I’ve gained 15lbs. My 1 hour glucose test was normal, so I’m fine with this, as is my dr.

What I’m not so fine with: I HAVE THE PREVIA! I have partial placenta previa. After some phone tag, I finally was able to talk to the OB yesterday. She said there was about a 50% chance the placenta would move away from the cervix. I will get another u/s at 32 weeks. Hopefully it will move up by then. If not, we will keep checking, but they do not want me to have ANY contractions if the placenta does not move up. If the previa doesn’t resolve, they will schedule a c-section around week 36 or 37.

I’m a little freaked. Not so much about the c-section itself, but about afterwards. My mother is REALLY PUSHING that if I have a c-section, I HAVE TO stay with her for a couple of weeks. That I will absolutely need someone with me 24 hours a day. Do they make nursing straight jackets? Hey, I’m all for post-partum help. Friends, family, etc., but I want them to leave at the end of the day. Those of you who’ve had c-sections, am I being unrealistic? Hell, I’ve done all of this by myself up to now, will I really be unable to manage at night on my own after a c-section? I mean, I’m planning to co-sleep. (I’ve registered for this.)

In other news, finally got the scoop on the foot surgery. Ridiculous the runaround I’ve been given. What it finally boils down to is that the surgeon works out of an orthopedic hospital (they’re the best, people travel from all over for ortho surgery there), and since they do not have an obstetrics dept or a NICU, it is hospital policy not to perform surgery on preggos. If it were an emergency, they would send the surgeon to do the surgery at a hospital with an obstetrics dept and a NICU. A plantar fascia release is not an emergency. So, after the OB and u/s on Monday, I grabbed a taxi 4 1/2 blocks over to the foot surgeon’s office and he gave me another cortisone shot in one foot. OUCH!!! THAT REALLY HURTS! Still waiting for the relief to kick in. Last time he did it I did get some relief for about 4-6 weeks. (Which I really didn’t get when podiatrists did them.) FYI, for anyone who might need this kind of treatment, I really think having the injection done under u/s guidance and by a skilled surgeon makes a big difference.

Eight Years Later

2009-09-11T14:20:00.002-04:00

Today in New York City the sky is dark, the wind is blowing, the rain is falling. A sharp contrast to the weather 8 years ago. September 11th, 2001 was a crystal clear September day. In sharp focus, yet oddly dreamlike, people burned, they jumped, they ran. Buildings tumbled. First responders fought a losing battle. They knew that, yet forged ahead regardless. We were stunned, we were horrified, we turned to each other and held on tight.

We often felt powerless, yet there was power in every small bit of kindness that was shared.

Today we remember.

Here's my post from last year.

Angry, Tired, Cranky, and IN PAIN!

2009-09-10T11:36:00.003-04:00

WARNING: If you’re not in a good place to hear a preggo vent. Skip this post.

Really, I’m thrilled to be pregnant. Feeling my daughter move is the most amazing thing. BUT … it’s physically and emotionally harder than I expected. I’m 46 years old, my feet are KILLING me (and I’m having trouble getting the drs to talk to each other in order to get the surgery scheduled), I’m working full time (which entails public transportation, again, hard on my feet), not sleeping well, and overwhelmed by what I need to do to get my apartment ready (which I have no energy to deal with once I get home from work and put my feet up and ice them). And as I look around, overwhelmed, there’s no one but me to deal with it. There’s also no one next to me to share the joy of my daughter’s kicks. Mostly I’m fine with it, but sometimes it sucks.

But what I really need to vent about is empathy. Or rather, the lack of it from my family. My sister has been bitching and making digs about the fact that she was not informed of my pregnancy within a timeframe that SHE deems appropriate. And has been putting my 11 year old niece in the middle. My sister and I do not have a close relationship. We never have. As an example, nearly 5 and a half years ago, when I ended a destructive relationship, my sister got on the phone with the creep and said terrible things about me to him. He then left me nasty, ranting voice mails saying, “Your sister says xxxx about you.” I was livid! Rather that completely lose my cool with my sister, I called my mother and asked her to speak to my sister. My sister denied that she was in contact with him. Yet, that very day I received another vile voice mail from him, saying (among other things), “Now you’re getting your mother involved!” Despite this PROOF, my sister continued to deny she was speaking with him and never apologized. I DO NOT FORGIVE HER. There is no way it should be any mystery to her why she was kept out of the TTC/pregnancy loop.

Back to the present situation. Several weeks ago she told me that my niece had asked if she could take her out of school if she wanted to. My sister replied that, yes, she was her mother, and if she had a drs appt or something, my sister could take her out of school. My niece then said, “When Auntie Dora has the baby, I want you to come get me to bring me to the hospital.” My sister’s response to her was unbelievable. Unbelievable that she would say this to her 11 year old, and even more unbelievable that she would repeat this to me as if it were okay. She said, “Well, Auntie Dora didn’t tell me right away that she was pregnant, so she might not tell me right away when she has the baby.” Then, shortly after that, I was visiting my mother, when my mother was out of the room, my sister must have signaled to my niece, because she asked me, “Mommy wants to know why you didn’t invite her to your ultrasound.” WTF???? I said something about the room being too small and there already being too many people there. Later, when alone with my niece, I told her that what her mommy did wasn’t right. That if she had something to ask me, she should ask me herself, not have her ask me.

BTW, there have been other little digs about this here and there.

In the moment with this crap, I have kept my mouth shut in an effort to maintain my equilibrium. And also, to not ream my sister in front of her child. Instead, I have called my mother later and asked her to speak to my sister. My mother has said she would, but has also consistently told me that I am overreacting. (Gee, a pregnant woman having an emotional reaction! Heaven forbid!) She also keeps telling me that I should try to put a positive spin on my sister’s behavior, and look at it as her being excited about having a niece. I might as well go bang my head against a wall.

So … Monday we’re all in the car together after looking at baby stuff (FREAKY!!!). My niece pipes up, “You know, I don’t think mommy’s ever going to get over you not telling her …” I jammed my hand over her mouth before she could finish the sentence. Middle of the night I get up to pee, then can’t get back to sleep. The rage grows. I called my mother Tuesday morning and told her I’d had it. She needs to STOP IT NOW and she needs to stop talking to her child about it. Because if it happens again, I’m going to really let her have it. Again, my mother tells me I’m overreacting. She says she doesn’t think my sister is still talking to my niece about it, that my niece is just talking, wanting to feel grown up. Again, she tells me to try to put a positive spin on it, and also says something about me contributing to the problem. I stopped her cold. I reminded her that I have NOT SAID A WORD when this happens. I have made a major effort not to call her on this shit in front of her child. My mother can’t disagree with this fact, but continues to tell me I’m overreacting.

Which brings us to last night. I called my sister to ask her about a folding bathing thingie she liked for bathing newborns in the sink. My sister was out walking the dog, so I was able to have a private conversation with my niece. I reminded her of what she said in the car and asked if her mom talked to her about that a lot. She said yes. I asked her when was the last time. “Yesterday.” I called my mother to relay this information. Again, she tells me I’m overreacting. I start to lose it. I tell her I’m getting very tired of the lack of understanding. I reminded her that I’m doing this on my own, I’m working full time, and in a lot of pain. That normally pregnant women have someone around to pamper them somewhat and cater to their heightened emotions and mood swings. She responded to this by saying, “I don’t think that’s really true that pregnant women have mood swings.”

HOLY FUCKING CRAP! WHY DO I BOTHER!?!?

Updated to add: Thanks for the support! I've had 2 teary phone calls with "sisters of choice." That helped. I admit, I'm probably haven't been handling this the best I could. I'm guilty of triangulating, too. Normally with stuff with my mother and my sister I simply retreat. Keep my distance. But my niece is over the moon about her new cousin, and I just hoped (despite evidence to the contrary) that for once, my feelings could be the priority while I grow a new member of the family.

Ya know, I'm growing a person here!!!

Oh, yeah, and my mother wonders why I don't want her anywhere near me when I'm in labor!

Miss Strawberry Shortcake

2009-09-08T20:40:00.000-04:00

I admit it, I’m taking some perverse pleasure in driving my family a little crazy. I won’t tell them the name(s) I’ve chosen for baby girl. As I commented on Cassandra’s post about names, although I’ve told others, I just don’t want to hear my family’s opinions.

They know that I’m naming her for my father (among others, see this post), and that her first name will start with an “s.” Last week my sister was fishing for the name, and admonished me not to give her an unusual name like “Apple.” Well, I was visiting with my family over the weekend and told them that since my sister mentioned that, the idea is growing on me. So I told them I decided to name her “Strawberry Shortcake.”

Well, you know she’s going to be delicious! Nom, nom, nom, nom!

I’m Blaming Pregnancy Brain

2009-09-03T11:32:00.000-04:00

I goofed. The doula open house I had planned to attend was 2 weeks ago. This group has 2 open houses per month. One at an uptown location and one downtown. When I spoke to the group’s director, she said the uptown one usually had more doulas attending. As I said, I’m blaming my hormone addled brain for not putting the date in my calendar. Also, the date 2 weeks ago was the week after I got back from my little vacation, the day after I attended a 2 day computer workshop, and in the midst of a heat wave. So, all in all, not thinking in top form. Thus, I was uptown and the doulas were downtown. The next one is September 16th. That should be fine, unless I’m scheduled for foot surgery that day.

Had a consult this past Monday with an obstetric anesthesiologist who thinks now is the right time to take care of my feet. He suggested no IV sedation, just a single spinal injection. Of course, to complicate matters, he preferred to convey this to my OB and have her convey it to the orthopedic surgeon, and the OB is on vacation this week. Her secretary said she would leave her a message and that she would be checking in, but I doubt that anything is getting done this week. Oh, and the surgeon only operates on Wednesdays. My feet REALLY hurt!!!

Thanks for all the comments. I appreciate it. I know that the doula should respect my wishes, but it’s hard not to feel they would be inclined towards no medication when you read this kind of thing in doula’s bios: “Xxxx gave birth once by Cesarean section and three subsequent times, un-medicated, with midwives.” I’m just anxious to find one who’s a good fit before she gets booked up. I have a couple of referrals from my OB’s office, but was waiting to call them until after the open house. I’m not sure what questions to ask, etc., and thought the open house would be helpful in this regard. Any suggestions would be most welcome

In other pregnancy related news, I saw my belly move the other night. Weird and wonderful!!

Just Not That “Crunchy”

2009-09-02T12:39:00.000-04:00

I don’t like pain. I know that seems obvious, but I’m feeling like I may need to defend that point this evening. I’m going to an open house this evening to meet a group of doulas. I want a labor doula primarily because I’m single. A dear friend is planning to come to New York from Europe for the birth, but babies don’t have calendars in utero. What if my daughter decides to make her debut before my friend gets here? I have good friends locally, but they have busy lives and their own families. Can’t expect them to drop everything at any hour and be there for however long it takes. My mother would be there if I wanted, but that would cause more stress.

But back to my point about not liking pain. It is my impression that many women use doulas to help them avoid pain meds and epidurals. I want a doula AND an anesthesiologist. The hospital where I am delivering is rated #1 here for L&D, and is known for their top notch anesthesiologists. Barring serious complications, I believe every woman should have the kind of delivery she wants. I am also built narrow “there.” I cannot count the number of times during my fertility journey that REs apologized to me when they met resistance with the dildocam. It was odd having to reassure them that they weren’t hurting me, and to just get in there and see what my lining and ovaries were doing. One RE, when I warned him in advance, offered to let me insert it myself. (Psychologically easier, but getting the angle right when on the table and in the stirrups, not so easy.) So, I’m thinking it’s not likely that a head and shoulders are just going to slide out easily.

It’s not contradictory to want labor support and pain relief. So why am I feeling that I will have to defend my choices this evening?

Ink Me — The Great ALI Ink Tour 2009

2009-08-25T12:45:00.000-04:00

(WARNING: The photo in this post may not be office or child appropriate. It contains a tush. And not a cute little baby tush, a grown up, late 30 something, woman’s tush.)

Let me start by saying I probably wouldn’t have any tats if it weren’t for a boyfriend I had when I was 19. Q and I only dated briefly, but we remained friends. I was 19 and he was 16. Doomed! An enormous age difference at that age (particularly when the girl is the older one). Not helped by the fact that, although he was (and still probably is) one of the very smartest guys I’ve known, at 16, he looked about 13. At 19, I wanted to date someone who looked like a MAN. Ah, but when Q hit his mid 20s … yowza! Too late for us, as one of us was always partnered when the other was available.

But back to the ink. Q’s father is a tattoo artist. Back then tattooing was illegal in New York City. But underground tattoo shops were tolerated by the police. There were no shops with bright signs. You made an appointment and went somewhere private. Q’s family lived in a loft on the Bowery. A block away from the famous punk club, CBGBs. His father’s tattoo shop in the front, and the family’s living space in the back. The area is now gentrified to the extent that there is now a Whole Foods there. It was still pretty rough back then. I take some pride in the fact that I got my first tat illegally on the Bowery in the mid 80s.

I don’t know if I would have ever considered getting tattooed back then if I hadn’t known Q and his family. I knew his father was a good artist and that everything would be clean and safe. Still, it took me a few years to work up the courage. My first, which I got when I was 22, is a small rose on the inside of my right ankle. No one warned me what a painful spot that is. (Not much flesh, right on bone.) I have 4 now, and that one was the most painful. I get it touched up now and then, and it hurts like hell!

Took quite a while before I was ready for the next one. By this time, Q’s baby brother had joined his father in the tattoo biz. Tattooing was legal in NYC by then, and they opened a shop in the East Village. I’d heard great things about the brother’s skill from Q, so let him ink me. Now no one else may touch a tattoo needle to my skin. It’s funny, because I have these memories of M (the tattoo artist) as a cute 10 year old who would be underfoot when I would hang out with Q. Whether going for a tat or just stopping by the shop to say hi, I am greeted with a big hug and kiss. Once, while he was tattooing me, I teased M about what kind of kid he was. He stopped for a moment, gave me a wry smile, and said, “Are you forgetting who’s holding the electric needle?” Gulp … mea culpa!!

My second, which I think was for my 38th birthday, is a small silhouette of a black cat on my left shoulder. It’s an image I found and played with a bit. I like that’s it’s small, but striking and not girly at all. Got my next just about a year later. This is my largest one. It’s a branch of cherry blossoms on my right hip. He did an exquisite job.

Shortly after I got this one I dated a professional photographer. One night, while hanging out drinking wine, I mentioned that I wanted a good photo of this one. Next thing I know he’s pulling out a soft box and some gauzy fabric. My butt has never (and will never again) looked so good. (You know my pregnant ass looks nothing like this now!) The lighting is awesome. And although I told him not to tell me if he did, I’m sure there was some photoshopping involved.

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Digitally edited or not, not bad for pushing 40.

My latest one I got last year after my first cancelled IVF cycle. I posted about it here. I often forget about it, since I can’t see it without TWO mirrors.

Check out the rest of the ink on the tour!

I’ve Been a Bad Blogger — ICLW and Miscellaneous Update

2009-08-23T17:23:00.000-04:00

I feel like such a bad blogger! I’ve been reading. I try to leave some comments, but mostly I’ve just been soooooooo tired. The weather’s been HOT, HOT, HOT and HUMID. My a/c (which I plan to replace for next Summer) has not been cutting it. So between being too hot at night and my growing belly, I haven’t been sleeping well. Oh, yeah, add in a full time job and commuting on the NYC subway, which entails waiting on horrendously HOT subway platforms. Although, yesterday I was thinking about last Summer. The Summer of cancelled cycles, thanks to my uncooperative ovaries. I was soooooo low. And this was just mocking me all Summer long. I may be hot, cranky and tired this Summer, but my daughter is moving within me, and that seriously ROCKS!

Ah, well. Welcome ICLWers. Here’s an intro I wrote for ICLW in June. Gives you a good wrap up of my story. I think it’s pretty miraculous.

Let’s see, I got back from my vacation nearly 2 weeks ago. It was just 4 nights, but was very relaxing. Cruising is not my ideal vacation (I really prefer to go somewhere and explore), but it suited my needs at the time. If I were to do another, I would not go on the same cruise line. (Starts with a “C” and known for towel animals. (Will post pics at some point.)) The food was terrible. I didn’t expect great, but I thought it would at least be good. And the desserts! They would have been better off with supermarket cake! The annoying part of this is that my OB had just given me a nexium rx, and I was finally getting relief from the horrible acid reflux I’ve been having. The service was excellent. My cabin steward was great. My budget cabin was plenty big enough for me. I relaxed on deck and read. An SMC reader without her own blog sent me this book about labor options. I’m ready to discuss the combined spinal epidural (walking epidural) with my OB at my next appt. I want relief, but I want to be able to move around and change positions when I need/want to.

Last weekend I had a lovely brunch with another blogger who was visiting NYC. The delightful Io from Who Shot My Stork. We had a great time discussing hormones and ovaries and such. She was so sweet to bring me a baby gift. 2 adorable onesies. Baby girl won’t be naked. :-) (Io, I need your address to send you a thank you note.)

That’s basically what’s going on for me. One hour glucose test tomorrow. Baby girl’s kicks get stronger every day. LOVE IT! Went to my first local SMC meeting a few weeks ago. Interesting, but that’s a separate post. Can’t wait to feel some crispness to the air.

Oh! 24 weeks tomorrow, and 1 year blogiversary on Tuesday.

Simple joys have a simple voice. It says, "Time is living's prize"

2009-08-05T11:33:00.000-04:00

Some wise words sung by one of my favorite actors, Raúl Esparza. If you don't already know who he is, trust me, you will.

Sometimes as we slog our way through the infertility trenches we forget to take time to nurture ourselves. In a few months I'll (hopefully) be in the overwhelming land of sleeplessness, dirty diapers, and sore nipples. I needed some time for some "simple joys." So I turned to my trusty computer to figure out a getaway where I could relax, be pampered a bit, and not have to walk much (damned feet!). So tomorrow I will be leaving out of NYC (where I live, YAY for no airports) for a 4 night cruise to St. John, Canada. The ship leaves tomorrow afternoon, day at sea on Friday, St. John Saturday (where I will do as little or as much as I please), another day at sea Sunday, and back home Monday morning. My plan is to have room service deliver my coffee in the morning, and mostly relax on deck in a lounge chair with a book. A little bit of heaven for a preggo at the height of Summer.

Internet access from the ship is INSANELY expensive. So I'm leaving my beloved macbook at home. See you next week!

"And wouldn't you rather be a left-handed flea
Or a crab on a slab at the bottom of the sea
Or a newt on the root of a banyan tree
Than a man who never learns how to be free
Not 'til he's underground"

And The Profane Bunny Goes To ...

2009-08-01T14:47:00.000-04:00

MURGDAN!

Alright, she's the only one who asked for it, but I think she's the perfect choice. She's adept in the appropriate use of expletives. She's about t0 start her first (and hopefully only) frozen embryo transfer, and it feels right, as someone who is LIVING PROOF that FETs WORK, for me to pass him on to her. And I can totally imagine her finding the next perfect recipient of him once she's securely KNOCKED UP!

While I appreciated the suggestions for a winner from one commenter, I really felt this should be self-nominating. Also, the 2 bloggers that were suggested, while absolutely worthy of a FUCK bunny, are readers here. They could have said something if they wanted him.

So, Ms. Murgdan, I need your address. How about bringing him to your transfer?

LOOK AT MY ADORABLE ...

2009-07-28T10:56:00.000-04:00

DAUGHTER!!!

At least the u/s tech said she was 85% sure it's a girl. She's perfect! Measuring right on target. My girl is an active one. She was kicking and waving her cute little arms. She has the cutest little fingers and toes that her mama can't wait to nibble on. And, come on, isn't that belly just calling out for a good raspberry!?! She was a little tease, and wouldn't roll over so the tech could measure her spine. So I have to go back for that. (No problem! Another peek at my DAUGHTER! Another check to confirm girl bits.) I'm going away for a few days towards the end of next week, so I made the appt for August 10th.

It's all feeling more and more real!

In other bloggy ultrasound news, did you all see Mo and Will's news!?!? I emailed Mo yesterday morning telling her I was more anxious about her u/s than mine. I'm so thrilled for them.

Happy in the Hood

2009-07-25T14:50:00.001-04:00

I love my neighborhood! I live in one of the most ethnically and culturally diverse neighborhoods in New York City. I’m about a 20 minute subway ride from Manhattan, but without Manhattan prices and attitude.

On my way to a diner for breakfast today, I stopped at my local Starbux to give one of the employees a few maternity tops that my BFF gave me that didn’t fit (my ginormous boobs, you know). On the way out I stopped to coo at the adorable twin babies of a gay couple. YAY for my hood!

I thought of the conversation about families I had with my 10 year old niece last weekend. She’d been on vacation with her father when I told my mother about my pregnancy. She got back last weekend and I told her she was getting a cousin. She’s OVER THE MOON! But her first question to me was, “You got married?” I explained everything to her and then talked some more about different kinds of families. I told her that sometimes families have 2 mommies. She quickly chimed in with, “I have 2 mommies!” (She has a stepmother.) So I explained that sometimes 2 women live together and have a child, and sometimes 2 men have a baby. “How do 2 men have a baby?!?!?!” I explained that sometimes a woman helps them, or sometimes they adopt a baby. And sometimes, I said, a single woman like me does what I did or adopts a baby. I told her about a single woman in my neighborhood who adopted a delightful little girl from Guatemala. I said that the important thing was that the baby had lots of love, and this baby will have LOTS of love. Of course, she agreed with that, since I think she’s already madly in love with her little cousin. (She’s said she’ll help change diapers. Even poopy ones. Though she says she won’t like those.)

In other good news, the cortisone shot I had in one foot on Wednesday kicked in today. OMG! Relief!! I’ve had 3 cortisone shots in the other foot and never got this kind of relief. I wonder if it was the dr and technique. The others were done by podiatrists, this was done by an orthopedic foot surgeon under u/s guidance. The injection hurt like HELL, but with the u/s he was able to pinpoint the inflammation and really target it. I don’t know if this will last, but I feel like I’m finally in good hands with this dr. He reassured me by telling me that if I do wind up needing surgery to release the fascia after I deliver, that I will be able to walk on it right away, so I can take care of my little Notion.

Mel’s Show and Tell — Self-Nominating Pay it Forward Friday

2009-07-24T19:56:00.001-04:00

WARNING: Swearing ahead.

A bit late for Show and Tell, but better late than never.

Sorry I’ve been so quiet. Nothing much going on, except the belly’s growing, and I’ve been feeling movement for sure for about 3 weeks now. It’s still very soft movements, and I need to have my hand on my belly to feel it. But it’s wonderful! So reassuring.

Now for my Show and Tell. Last Fall I had a Show and Tell post about the “consolation prizes” I gave myself after cancelled cycles. One “prize” was a cute little stuffed bunny with the word “fuck” stitched across its chest that I purchased from a cool Etsy seller. I wrote at the time that when I felt I no longer needed him, I wanted to pass him on. I would love to see him passed from blogger to blogger as needed. Relinquished when no longer needed. Maybe he’ll travel the world! I hope that whoever gets him goes on to have success in their family building efforts, and happily passes him on.

So, please tell me in the comments why you need the “fuck” bunny. Maybe it will just be obvious who should have him. Or maybe there will be several people who are deserving and I will have to choose randomly. So, dear readers, tell me why you need him.

Don’t forget to check what the rest of the class is showing.

P.S. Anatomy scan on Monday at 20 weeks!! Hopefully the babe will cooperate and we’ll know if my little Notion is a boy or a girl. I promise to post soon afterwards.

P.P.S. When I was TTC, u/s pics and baby pics on blogs didn’t really bother me, but belly shots could be hard to take. So I will not be posting any. If anyone really wants to see one, email me and I’ll email a belly shot to you.

Telling the Grandmother

2009-07-05T14:11:00.000-04:00

I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that my mother has been in the dark about my efforts to become a mom. My mother is a difficult person. Our relationship is not easy. She is certain that her way of thinking and doing things is RIGHT. I did not need her judgment and negativity while trying to become pregnant. But now that I’m in my second trimester, I knew I had to get the reveal over with. Part of what I expected in her reaction was “how will I explain this” and “what will people think.” Well, as my regular readers know, I’m pleased as punch about this, proud of how I got here, and don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks.

So, plans were made for me, my mother, my BFF and her 8 month old son (via donor egg) to have lunch on Friday. I had a plan on how to break the news. A few weeks ago, my mother asked me to get her a bottle of her favorite perfume from ebay (cheaper). So I ordered the perfume and put it in a gift bag with a copy of the latest ultrasound picture. (Without my name photoshopped out, as it is when I post here.) The plan was for my friend and I to get there before my mother. SNAFU, but no biggie. I got there first, snagged a semi-circular booth, and slid in to the middle. The table was perfectly high enough to hide my belly. (I won’t be posting any belly shots here, but I must say, I think it’s really cute!) I had the gift bag on the banquette beside me. My mother arrived first, then my BFF and her son a few minutes later. This was the first time my mother had seen her baby (my BFF and I have been friends since we were 14, so my mother’s seen her grow up, too). A few minutes of cooing and loving on the boy, then I passed the gift bag to my mother and said, “Here’s your perfume, and there’s another surprise in there for you.” She took out the ultrasound picture and looked confused. Then she had to get her reading glasses out to read it. Stunned silence. She turned to me and said, “You’re pregnant?” “Yes. Congratulations! You’re going to be a grandmother again.”

There were questions, which I answered over the course of lunch. I explained much of the course of events leading up to this pregnancy. The attempts with my own eggs, using my dear friend as a sperm donor and the stronger bond we formed during the process (didn’t feel I needed to tell her yet that he will be the child’s guardian), how Kathy and I found each other, the trips to Canada, etc. I showed her photos of Kathy’s gorgeous twins. During all this, my friend gushed about how wonderful this was and how happy she was for me. She also talked about her experience using donor gametes. Interestingly, I think my mother was most surprised when I said I was embracing the fact that I was doing this on my own. I mentioned the crap that has to be dealt with on an ongoing basis with my niece’s father, I told her about a friend of a friend who is due to deliver twins in a few weeks and just discovered that her husband has been cheating on her with their older child’s nanny, etc. Then she dropped her own bombshell. My mother’s husband has 2 daughters. He also has 2 nieces who he has treated as daughters as well. (His sister’s children. His sister died when his nieces were in their early teens.) Turns out his youngest niece (who has a 6 yo and and an 8 yo) has been cheating on her husband with his youngest daughter’s husband (they have an 8 yo). Both couples are splitting so my mother’s husband’s niece and son-in-law can be together. EWWWWW! Did you follow that? BTW, I hope I haven’t confused things by not referring to my mother’s husband as my step father. They got together when I was well into adulthood, and although I like him, I just don’t think of him as a father figure at all.

Anyway, over the course of lunch, the shock seemed to wear off, and we talked a bit about baby names, etc. She suggested I stay with her for a few weeks after I give birth. NOOOOOO!!!!!!!! She lives less than an hour’s drive from me. If she wants to help, she can come in the morning and leave in the evening. I probably responded to the suggestion a bit too stridently. (Blame the hormones.) I will address it again next time I talk to her, and tell her that while I appreciate the offer, I don’t think it would be good for our relationship.

As I was saying goodbye to her I asked if she wanted to rub my belly for luck. She gave my bump a little rub, then leaned over and said, “Hi darling.” I grinned and said, “Oh, you’re bonded already!”

46 and Knocked Up!

2009-06-30T11:34:00.000-04:00

Thanks you all for the lovely birthday wishes. I’ve been a terrible blogger and commenter lately. The last couple of weeks at work have been crazy, and when not at work, I’ve crashed.

It was a much better birthday than last year, when I was dealing with a cancelled IVF cycle. I had a nice birthday dinner with the ex-boyfriend on Friday (had a yummy virgin, raspberry mojito with dinner), and then slept away most of the weekend. Except for Sunday night. OB appt on Monday, so didn’t sleep well Sunday night. Hopefully, this will get better once I start really feeling my little notion move. I keep thinking I feel something, but it’s not often, and so light, that I think it might be my imagination.

OB appt was fine. No ultrasound, so I’ll have to wait 4 more weeks to find out whether I’ve got a boy or girl on the way. I got all teary, as usual, when I heard the heartbeat. It’s slowly sinking in that I’m going to be a mom!

The OB agrees that I need to get real relief for my plantar fasciitis. She agrees with me that it’s not good that I can barely walk around. The injections I had at my last appt with the orthopedic surgeon did not help at all. If anything, the pain is worse. And those shots were BRUTAL! I gave her his contact info and just called his office with her info, and said I needed them to talk before my appt with him on Thursday. She (the OB) said that she will ask what he would do for me if I weren’t pregnant, and she will let him know if it’s safe. Hoping for a good game plan on Thursday, as this foot pain is making me miserable. Even the middle of the night trips to pee are agony on my feet.

So, there’s my update. Nothing terrible exciting right now, but that’s a good thing.

Oh! I have a bunch of leftover meds to donate to anyone who can use them. I will make a complete list and post it soon, but I have some unopened PIO, aygestin, some estrace, vaginal progesterone, prometrium, and lovenox. Email me if you want any.

ICLW Introduction

2009-06-21T15:25:00.000-04:00

For past ICLWs I haven’t done intros, since I had a bunch of introductory posts listed on the sidebar of my old blog (which you can access through my profile). Since I started this new space this month I thought I’d try to summarize my story.

Well, to begin with, I’m 15 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow. Wooohoooo! It was a hell of a trip getting here. I’m creating my family as an SMC (Single Mother by Choice). And am blessed and proud to be the recipient of a directed embryo donation. Oh, and I am turning 46 on Friday.

Okay, so to backtrack. Being an SMC wasn’t what I always dreamed of. Shit happens. Or doesn’t, as the case may be. Several long term relationships turned out not to be “the one.” In retrospect, I’m grateful I did not have children with any of them. When I hear about the combative custody issues that friends and family members deal with, I’m grateful I will never put my child through that.

I tried to conceive with my own eggs, but my eggs were clearly past their prime. I responded abysmally to stims. I tried cycling with a close friend as my known sperm donor. My friend and I have known each other since we were teenagers, so some 30 odd years. Even though it didn’t work, I am so glad we tried to do this together. He has now agreed to be the guardian of the child I am carrying. I had many cancelled cycles, due to cysts or lack of response, before I made it to retrieval with 3 follicles. 2 eggs were retrieved and 1 fertilized and made it to transfer on day 3. I was told I had about a 1% chance of getting pregnant from that single embryo from my 45 year old egg. Needless to say, I wasn’t that lucky. But getting that far gave me peace of mind for the next step.

Even before that cycle I was coming to terms with my options. I couldn’t afford donor egg, so began exploring donor embryos. I wasn’t really comfortable with anonymous donor programs. Children have questions. I wanted to be able to provide answers. I discovered a self matching embryo donation website called Miracles Waiting. I met with one woman through this site who had embryos to donate. Turned out she wasn’t really ready to let go of her embryos. I was dejected. I turned to my peeps in this awesome community. I asked a question. “If you had leftover embryos, would you consider donating them to a single woman.” I received so many wonderful, loving comments, including one from my awesome donor, Kathy. A couple of days after leaving her comment, I got an email from her. “Let’s talk,” she said. She had some questions. I answered some by email, some over the phone, and some in a looooong blog post. I poured out my heart. She offered me a chance at motherhood.

It took 2 tries, but I became pregnant from my second frozen embryo transfer. As I have said before, there is really no way to repay this enormous gift. The best I can do is to be the best mother I can be. Thank goodness I have this fabulous community to go to for parenting advice.

Trippy Shopping Trip

2009-06-17T16:58:00.000-04:00

Went shopping for maternity clothes last Sunday. OMG!! What a trip!

Friday I had lunch with my BFF and her delicious 8 month old boy (via donor egg). She brought me 2 shopping bags full of maternity clothes. She’s going to have to take most of it back. Of the 2 shopping bags full of clothes, about 5 things work for me. My friend did not take into consideration how differently we’re built. My chest is about 3 times as big as hers. The under the bust seams on the maternity tops and dresses only come down about as far as my nipples. So sad. Some of it is beautiful stuff, but no go.

So Sunday I pushed myself out of my apartment and went to Destination Maternity. Just one more thing to make this all feel more real! Geez, this stuff is expensive (and I only got sale items)! Hate spending so much for things I’ll only wear for a few months, but I’ve been so uncomfortable in my regular clothes. The cheap knock-off belly bands I’ve gotten on eBay have helped, but I’m tired of tugging and leaving buttons open. So, rejecting basically anything with under the boobs seaming, I found a bunch of stuff to try on.

Over the years, I have learned some things that help me make more flattering choices, but that can be limiting as well. Other than the big boob thing (on a fairly small frame, narrow shoulders, small ribcage, no back fat), I have heavy upper arms. I’ve learned that, counter to intuition, my arms look MUCH better in sleeveless tops than in short sleeves or, the worst, cap sleeves. Think about it this way, short sleeves cut across my chubby upper arms at their heaviest point, emphasizing the chub. Sleeveless gives me an unbroken line from my shoulder down. As far as sleeves, long sleeves and 3/4 sleeves are fine, but not in NYC in the Summer. Ick! I did find a couple of tops with sleeves to the elbow. That works too. This concept applies to skirts as well. If a skirt cuts across the middle of my calf (thickest part), I look heavier and, frankly, dumpy. (I’m only 5’3”.) The ideal skirt length for me is just at the bottom of my knee cap. But at least skirts can usually be shortened easily (unless there’s detailing at the hem).

OY! Sorry for going on about my clothing fit philosophy, but a girl wants to look as good as she can as her waist disappears.

So, I’m trying on things. Mostly, I can tell right away if something works. I was wavering on a skirt, not sure about the way it was hanging, when I noticed the strap on belly. The! Strap! On! Belly! Holy crap! It was labeled “7 month belly,” and even had a belly button. I put it on. Suddenly the skirt hung perfectly. I put on a top and looked in the mirror. Who was this PREGNANT woman? I stepped out of the dressing room, freaking out a bit. Another woman trying on clothes and one of the sales women looked at me indulgently. “Your first?” one of them asked. “Yes,” I squeaked.

Seriously SURREAL!

I left the store after spending too much money on 5 tops and a skirt. With the fancy shopping bag with the word MATERNITY emblazoned on it. I wondered if it would get me a seat on the subway, since my little belly isn’t doing it yet.

For some reason I had trouble sleeping that night.

BTW, if anyone has any maternity clothes they’d consider passing on (and that they think might work for my body), I’d be happy to pay postage.

Mel’s Show and Tell — A Gift to Myself

2009-06-12T16:16:00.000-04:00

When I was in Canada for my first (failed) FET, I went to a ceramics museum. They had a “special” exhibit of painted ceramics. Something I have a particular fondness for. Especially modern works. I was very disappointed. A meager exhibit. I thought about some artists whose work I enjoy that were either not represented or underrepresented. For example, these Picasso ceramic pieces (there was ONE of his, it was okay), or Beatrice Wood, or even more current, Matt Nolen, an artist I took a workshop with many years ago. Thinking about Nolen’s work (please, explore his website), I know he has many pieces in various museums’ permanent collections, but that he has also done smaller, less extensive pieces. On a whim, I searched for him on eBay. Nothing came up at the time, but I saved the search so that I would receive emails if anything was listed. 2 months later I received an email. I won an awesome, hand painted cup. For less than the cost of a good pair of sneakers. IMO, it’s probably worth at least 3-4 times what I paid for it. I think I’m just lucky that others don’t think to look there for his work.

I think the theme of this cup is very appropriate for someone who is pregnant for the first time in my mid-40s.

Don't forget to check out what the rest of the class is showing.

Mel’s Show and Tell — A Special Gift

2009-06-08T15:47:00.000-04:00

Had a chance to visit with some friends in the DC area this past weekend. Thursday night had dinner with an old college friend. Even though her 8 year old daughter REALLY wanted to come, we explained that it was a grownup dinner. (Also, due to her disorganization, we didn’t wind up going to dinner until after 9:30! Alright, little rant here, I got a message from her in the afternoon asking if I could take the metro out to her burb (about a 45 minute ride) after I arrived. Uh, no! I’m pregnant, just had injections in my feet the day before, and left my apartment at 9am to travel to DC!) Her daughter gave my friend the sweetest drawing and note to give to me.
I think I’m in the clear on this one. As of the last ultrasound, the tail was gone, so I think I can safely assume it will be a girl or a boy.

Don't forget to check out what the rest of the class is showing!

P.S. 13 weeks today!!

I am a sacred vessel and other miscellaneous stuff.

2009-06-05T22:18:00.000-04:00

Thanks for all the wonderful comments. Sorry I've been a terrible commenter. So many times I want to leave longer, thought out comments, and haven't had the time or energy.

I'm away for the weekend, chilling and visiting with friends in the DC area. Saw a startling sight. In clothes, I don't really look pregnant. I have a little belly, but so do lots of people. I see men all the time who look to me like they're in their 10th month! At home, my bathroom mirror is mounted a bit higher than my waist, and my only full length mirror is on the inside of a living room closet door. So, getting out of the shower yesterday at my hotel, I saw my full naked belly in the mirror for the first time. (Looking down at it isn't the same.) Holy crap, I'm pregnant! You're not going to be getting any belly shots from me, but WOW, it's remarkable!

Saw an orthopedic foot surgeon about my plantar fasciitis before going away. Cortisone shots, exercises, icing, physical therapy 2x a week for nearly 3 months have not worked. The dr did a treatment called platelet-rich plasma therapy. They drew my blood and spun it, then inject the platelets (after injecting some lidocaine first) into the affected areas. Let me tell you, even with lidocaine, big injections in your feet are WAY worse than big injections in your butt. I went to work after this, but once the lidocaine wore off, I was in AGONY! My boss even told me to go home after I finished what I was working on. He never says this! He's a ridiculous worry wort who called me twice today on my vacation day! I hobbled home and iced them. I'm feeling better now, but it will be a week or so to see if this is working.

Okay, I know this is kind of silly to worry about, but my hair has become very brittle. I didn't expect it at this point. Is this normal? I'm having a lot of breakage, particularly around my hairline in the front, so it shows. Any suggestions? After I had my hair fried several years ago by a relaxer, I took high potency biotin supplements the help the damage grow out faster. Does anyone know if that kind of dosage would be okay. I'd hate to call the OB's office about my hair, but it's bugging me.

I'm currently watching Anderson Cooper's special about Dr. Tiller's assasination. I'm just sick about this. Count me as a pregnant, infertile woman for choice. ALL CHOICE! Check out Kristin, Julie and Cecily's posts about this.

My Tiny Dancer!

2009-06-02T16:44:00.001-04:00

Look at the baybeeeee! Mah baybeee is the cutest! Quite the little dancer. The u/s tech kept pointing out how he/she was jumping around and kicking and waving!

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!

Welcome To The Next Chapter

2009-06-02T09:54:00.000-04:00

Let’s get the news out of the way first. 12 weeks yesterday! Had my nuchal translucency scan yesterday. It went perfectly! Neck measurements were great and the baby was exactly on target for 12 weeks. Will post an ultrasound picture later. Pretty swamped at work since I’m taking Thursday and Friday off.

About the new space.

It feels right as I am entering this next phase. No longer “In Search Of.” Almost at the end of my first trimester. I’m going to start feeling better soon? Right?

About the title.

It’s incredible when I think about it, but this baby was conceived over 4 years ago. The miracle of this donor embryo pregnancy. Thus … My Preconceived Notion.

Will post more later, but I have to get some work done!