Perfect Moment Monday: “I Yuv You”

OH! EM! GEE! TODDLERS!!! They're crazy, little maniacs. By the time I get my Sunshine to sleep I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. The wailing because I dare to try to wipe the crap off her tush! Then, on the floor, bare-assed, screaming and crying because I want her to get in the tub. The screeches of “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” when it’s time to get out of the tub. But then there are the heart melting moments.

I'm so glad Lori has revived Perfect Moment Monday. I want to write this one down. A treasure of a moment.

Saturday evening I was standing at the kitchen counter getting Sunshine’s dinner ready. She climbed onto a kitchen chair (I HATE the climbing, but these chairs are very heavy and would be hard to tip), stood there holding onto the chair back and called to me.

“Mommy! Mommy!”

“Yes, Sunshine.”

“I yuv you.”

Totally perfect!

BTW, this is the very first time she's said this unprompted. With prompting, she will say, "Yuv you," but this was all her initiative, and a full sentence including the proper pronoun. I'm so proud! OH! I love this girl so much!

"Hey! I had a chocolate cookie in my hand just a second ago. Where did it go?"

September 12th

I thought about writing a post this weekend. Nap time isn't long enough, and I'm to wiped out after Sunshine gets to sleep. We stayed close to home this weekend, and Sunshine probably got a few more hugs and kisses than usual.

I avoided much of the tv coverage. I haven't read many of the blog posts. Although, the few I did read mention watching the events of that day and crying. Not me. I watched in horror. Then I went down there to help. Still no tears. I spend quite a bit of time volunteering at Ground Zero, and honestly, I don't ever remember seeing tears. Anguish, horror, fatigue, shock, but no tears. It took me a year to shed those tears. They rolled down my face on the first anniversary when I saw the empty pit. The pit that had been a pile of burning, smoking rubble, many stories high. I watched just a little of the ceremony yesterday morning. I held Sunshine for as long as she would allow me, and my eyes filled with tears as I listened to voices cracking with emotion as the names were read. I listened for the name of a friend's brother-in-law, who they believe died at the moment of the second plane's impact. Then I shut the tv.

Here is the post I wrote for Mel's One Hundred Words Project on September 11th, 2008. And here's a longer post I wrote on September 12th, 2008. Also, please click over to read this amazing post by Journeywoman. It's stuck with me for three years.

Oh, and I received an interesting phone call at about a quarter to ten last night. Not sure I'll write about it, but you might be able to figure out who called from my 2008 post.

And The Painted Ponies Go Up And Down

It's hard to believe my tiny baby will be 2 years old in less than 3 months. After posting her cranky picture, I thought I'd show you more of my happy girl. She really is such a happy toddler. She wakes up with a big smile in the morning. It's so easy to make her giggle. Sunshine truly is a fitting blog name for her. She is radiant.

 Her first carousel ride in Central Park. I took a bunch of pictures before the ride started, then held her for most of the ride.

Once she seemed secure on the horse, I stepped back a bit and took this video.

 I love this picture. She's so happy at the playground.

 Don't you just want to smooch her like crazy?

 She LOVES the penguins at the Central Park Zoo.

 How cute is she strutting around the playground with her purse?

Temper Tantrum? I’ve Got Your Number Little Girl.

I’m not writing this to brag. I know I’m very lucky that Sunshine’s temper tantrums are generally minor, and that that could change at any time. I’m writing this because I want to remember these moments. I love when Jen blogs about moments she wants to remember. And how cool is it that I was able to turn my girl’s toddler anger into giggles.

We are totally in temper tantrum territory. She’s right on target with this delightful stage of development. As I said, I’m very lucky that her tantrums are usually transitory, and she’s usually easily distracted (all hail the power of the goldfish cracker). Last night Sunshine had a meltdown when I tried to change her poopy diaper. She is so not ready for potty training. She used to ignore me when I asked her if she had a poopy diaper, now she lies about it.

Shortly after we got home I got a whiff of that telltale aroma. I asked her if she made a poopy. She angrily replied, “NO!” I said, “I smell a poopy. Do you have a poopy in your diaper? “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” And she ran from my bedroom into the kitchen. I followed her to pick her up to change the diaper and she flopped face down on the floor, kicking and yelling, “NOOOOOO!” I looked down at her and calmly said, “I know you’re angry. Go ahead and yell. I’m still going to change your diaper.” This really made her mad. She sat up and raised her hand to hit me. I backed up out of reach and laughed. She got up off the floor and tried to hit me again, although she had a little smile on her face. I backed up some more, then laughed again and turned and ran from the kitchen to the bedroom. She followed me, giggling like crazy. Then let me change her diaper without further outbursts.

And then this morning, she took her sneakers off about 3 minutes after I put them on. I told her I was going to put her in her high chair to brush her hair and put on her sneakers. (Her high chair is the easiest place to contain her to do her hair.) “NOOOOOOO! Again, on the floor. I reached for her to pick her up, as I didn’t have time to let her scream for a while. She sat up and scooted away from me. She wound up sitting against the kitchen wall. I approached her, wiggling my fingers in the universal tickling gesture, saying, “I’m gonna get you!” She starting laughing even before I started tickling. Crisis averted, shoes on, hair brushed, sweater on, ready to leave for daycare and work.

She’s also just started a new phase of, to use an archaic phrase, sounding like a broken record. “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy … hi.” OMG! How long does this last?

This is actually from 3 months ago. She's changed a lot since then, but I thought the photo fit the post. I was trying to take her picture, since she looks so cute in this outfit. She was NOT in the mood.

Hypocrisy and Choice

I know, I know. I haven’t blogged properly in forever. The intent is there, but between work stress, financial stress, minor, but cumulative physical stuff, and a very active toddler, when I have free time in front of the computer I just sort of space out and read. I fully intend to write a real update, with photos and video (although that would involve getting the files off the camera’s memory card), but this topic has been rattling around in my brain since I read Mel’s and Julie’s posts about the twin reduction article in the New York Times Magazine. I started writing comments in my head to both posts, but shortly realized I had quite a lot to say. I debated whether to post this or not, and probably will be debating with myself until I click on “Post.” I write this knowing I may lose readers. (Even though I know I haven’t been writing much for anyone to read, it’s nice to know there are a bunch of people who check in and are pleased to see something new here.) 

As to what I thought of the article, meh. Jjiraffe’s post about the NYT and infertility nails it quite well. I know that people have very strong feelings about selective reduction, particularly twin to singleton reductions. I was a little surprised by the comments on Mel’s and Julie’s posts saying they didn’t understand why someone would transfer more than one embryo if they were not willing to parent multiples. I was glad to see others speak up about the long infertility/loss journey and the desperation that led to their decision about how many embryos to transfer.

In my own case, the decision was made based on the questionable quality of the donor embryos that were frozen on day two, and was made after discussions with my RE and the embryologist. My RE transferred three embryos on my first FET and I did not get pregnant. After further discussions, the decision was made to transfer four at my second transfer. All throughout my journey to get pregnant I considered and researched possible scenarios. I knew that if I needed to reduce for any reason, Dr. Evans and Dr. Stone (referred to and quoted in the article) were my best choices for a safe outcome. I believe I saw Dr. Stone bring a patient into the recovery room when I was there after my polypectomy. I assume it was a complicated reduction, as it was in the hospital, and the woman was somewhat sedated. The woman was wheeled in on a gurney and once settled, looked up at her doctor and said, “Thank you for not being judgmental.” In my own haze from the lovely IV pain meds, I thought to myself, that must be Dr. Stone. I’m not going to say what I would have done if I’d become pregnant with more than one. No matter how much one has thought about and researched something, I think it’s impossible to know for sure until you move from theoretical to reality. Let’s just say I was very happy to see one heartbeat on my first ultrasound. There was a second sac visible, but it was empty. My OB referred to it as a vanishing twin at my first appointment.

So why do I feel I need to write about this article? First of all, as I’ve written before, I am staunchly pro choice. I also personally know three women who’ve undergone twin to singleton reductions. One was due to dire medical necessity, one was for a combination of medical and social reasons, and one was for social reasons. I kind of feel “social” should be in quotes, as it can encompass so much. Financial considerations, physical considerations (i.e., older parents), lack of support system (i.e., single mom without nearby family), etc. I support these women in their decisions. I know they were not made glibly. It stings when I hear damning judgment of their choice. It stings because I could have easily been in their shoes. It stings because I know their reductions shredded them emotionally. They will have a raw spot in their hearts for the rest of their lives. Yet, I know each of them believes they made the right decision for their families.

I spent a lot of time talking on the phone, emailing and texting with my friend who reduced for “social” reasons when she was deciding what to do. She’s a single mom by choice in her mid forties. Oh, and she’s a twin herself. I told her several times during her decision making process that whatever she decided, it would be the right decision. I pointed her to the blog of a friend who wrote about reducing her twin pregnancy. I pointed her to twin mama blogs. I listened to her go back and forth. I answered questions about the challenges and joys of single motherhood. I told her that, according to my research, she and her remaining child would be in good hands with either Evans or Stone. I offered to accompany her to the procedure, but she opted to go alone. I hope I was a comfort when she called me, tearful, from the waiting room before the procedure.

I was thinking the other night about how I’m bothered by the judgment about this. There is more than enough judgment to go around regarding ART. Many judge IVF as wrong, donor gametes as wrong, gestational surrogacy as wrong, certainly many would judge me negatively for having a child on my own. Then I realized I’m a hypocrite. I have plenty of judgment for Nadya Suleman. I know I’m not the only one who knew she was lying when she said she had six embryos transferred and two split during an FET. (In case you haven’t heard, it came out during the investigation of her RE that it was actually a fresh IVF cycle and TWELVE embryos were transferred.)

But my bottom line is that the choice to reduce is very, very personal and needs to be available and safe. The NYT article was sensational, as usual. The women sounded callous about their decision. But we don’t know what their thought process was like when they were making it. And how many tears were shed. We don’t know what quotes the writer didn’t use or were edited out. I choose to give them the benefit of doubt and believe they love their children as much as I love mine.

Bless doctors like Joanne Stone and Mark Evans who believe that women are capable of deciding what’s right for their families. These doctors don’t hate babies, they care for women. For mothers.

Perfect Mommy Moment

Since Lori's Perfect Moment Monday is currently on hiatus, thought I'd just post a quickie about a perfect moment. I have lots of stuff running through my head. I intend to post more soon.

My Perfect Mommy Moment: This morning I reached into my underwear drawer and took out what I thought was a pair of panties (knickers, for those in other parts of the world). It was one of my daughter's little t-shirts that got mixed in with my panties when I put away the laundry. It's not really much bigger than my undies. I smiled looking at it. Filled with gratitude for my little girl. I'm overwhelmed much of the time, tired all the time, and have way too many aches and pains, but I so love being a mom. Worth the wait and everything I had to go through to get here.

I'm wishing for these moments for my friends who haven't crossed over yet.

Dollars and $ense of Family Building

Ack! I’m late with my post. Sunshine has the crud … again. By that I mean pink eye (in one eye) and an ear infection on the same side. So yesterday involved a trip to the pediatrician, a day off from work for mama, and fighting with a squirmy toddler over eye drops. Today my mother is watching her so I can go to work.

So here’s my post for Write Mind Open Heart’s and Baby Smiling’s blog carnival called The Dollars and $ense of Family Building.

How did finances play into my family building decisions? Well for many years I was without insurance. I was struggling financially, and without any insurance, attempting to have a child, particularly on my own, seemed impossible. I will admit to being “lax” about birth control in relationships during that time. But without insurance, I had no way of knowing I had a rather large polyp in my uterine lining. Nothing was going to stick with that there. On the other hand, I am glad I didn’t have a child with previous boyfriends. It may sound odd, but I’m glad for the obstacles on my journey to motherhood, because it brought me my daughter. I am so over the moon for HER. So I’m grateful for everything it took for me to have HER.

Once I had insurance, I learned that becoming a mom was not going to be a walk in the park. First I learned that at the advanced maternal age of 44, my chances of conceiving with my own eggs WITH IVF were in the neighborhood of 5%. Then I learned about the polyp. Having the polyp removed was actually one of the easiest parts of the journey. Totally covered by insurance, and back to normal two days later. I was very lucky in that I had fertility coverage as well. But there was a cap on the benefits. And at my age, the dosages of medication were so high, that they cost a fortune. Although covered by insurance, when a cycle’s worth of medication alone costs over $8,000, $20,000 worth of fertility coverage can be gone very, very quickly. I had one IVF cycle cancelled after 7 days of injections. That’s over $5,000 worth of meds. One evening I had an epic meltdown when a needle came loose on a syringe while I was mixing up my injection. Hundreds of dollars worth of hormones spilled onto my hands. Again, I was lucky in that I connected with a woman from an IVF message board who donated a full cycle’s worth of gonal-f to me. It enabled me to get through one complete IVF cycle. I didn’t get pregnant, but it helped me feel ready for the next step, embryo donation.

I feel so incredibly blessed to have connected with the woman who donated her extra embryos to me. As I’ve written about in the past, her IVF clinic would not treat me due to my unmarried state, so we moved the embryos to a clinic in Canada. Most of my fertility expenses were covered. Of course there were plenty of co-pays. My insurance company misinformed me about coverage for procedures in Canada. I was initially told that they would be treated as out of network bills, and I would be reimbursed 80%. After the fact I was told that only emergencies are covered out of the country. Still, embryo transfers alone are not that expensive. And at the time I went to Canada for my two transfers, the Canadian dollar was weak against the US dollar. I probably paid the Canadian clinic approximately $3,000 US for the initial consult, and the 2 thaws and transfers it took to become pregnant with Sunshine. Of course, there were the added expenses of two round trip airfares, two hotel stays, days off from work and other miscellaneous expenses. Price1ine helped with hotel costs, and for my second trip I flew up the morning of my transfer instead of the night before, even though it was more stressful, because the airfare was $200 less. My monitoring before and after the trips to Canada was fully covered by insurance. My donor very generously paid to have the embryos shipped to Canada. But still, compared to other methods, embryo donation was not at all cost prohibitive.

I’ve never added up the costs of becoming pregnant with Sunshine, but I know I got off relatively easy compared to others.

Now to the blog carnival questions:

1. Consider your now or future children as adults, and consider the fact that you had to spend money to either conceive them or make them part of your family. What effect do you think the latter will have on the former one day? What, do you think, your grown children might feel about the funds it took to create your family?

I hope it doesn’t matter to her at all. Hey, she might have cost less than the children conceived when their parents tried “relaxing and taking a vacation.” Other than our internet friends, we also have friends in our day to day life who have ART babies, donor egg babies, baby born with a gestational carrier, and adopted children. Sunshine will undoubtedly grow up knowing that sometimes family building is expensive.

2. How did/would you handle it if your child asks you, "Mom, how much did I cost?" How would you answer at age 7? At age 18?

I would probably truthfully say I didn’t know. Since I had insurance coverage, I did not have enough out of pocket expenses for a medical tax deduction, so I never added it all up. I might pull out the sharps container full of PIO needles I can’t seem to bring myself to get rid of and tell her she cost me an ouchy, lumpy butt. ;-)

3. When calculating the costs of your family building, what do you include? The direct costs are easy (such as RE fees for a cycle or homestudy fees), but what about fees that didn't directly lead to your child's existence in your life, such as cycles that didn't work, adoption outreach avenues that didn't work, failed adoptions, avenues that were explored (and that cost something) but not pursued, etc?

It all counts. The sperm donor profiles I paid for before my friend agreed to be my known donor count. The medical testing, semen analysis, and sperm cryo for my friend, even though we did not conceive together, counts. The first unsuccessful FET with donor embryos obviously counts as well.

4. If two children in a family "cost" different amounts, should that have any significance?

This is theoretical to me since I always planned on an only. I don’t think it should have any significance. It just is what it is. A blogger I met while in Canada for my first transfer (and also visited with on my second trip) has a daughter from an IUI, a son via IVF (after many failed IUIs), and now is pregnant with a freebie. I would imagine she feels that all her children are precious miracles.

5. To what extent have finances determined the family-building decisions you have made? How have you able to balance financial considerations against other factors such as medical, ethical, emotional...?

Finances are what led me to explore embryo donation. My BFF has a son via egg donation, and I knew that was not within my means. I also wasn’t sure that adoption was within my means either. And I really, really wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to be a mother most of all, but I wanted to experience pregnancy. I will never forget how it felt to feel Sunshine (aka in utero, my Rockette) doing high kicks before she was born. I grateful to have experienced that.

6. Has institutional and governmental support for certain family-building paths impacted your choices? For example, ART being covered by insurance, tax deductions for adoption expenses, etc.

Oh, yeah. As I’ve said, my insurance coverage was vital.

7. Have you considered having ART treatments abroad, either due to lower cost or due to certain methods being unavailable or illegal in your own country? In your decision-making, how did you balance the financial savings against issues like the unknowns of the country, perhaps not speaking the language, and medical practices that may differ from those of your home country? If you did travel abroad for treatments, what was your experience? Would you do it again?

Well, technically I did go to another country for treatment. But that was because, as I said above, the original US clinic wouldn’t treat me, and it was MUCH less complicated to move the embryos to Canada than another US clinic due to FDA guidelines regarding donor embryos.

I briefly considered overseas egg donation after my first FET failed. My donor offered to help finance a donor egg cycle after first FET. It was an incredible offer, and made me feel so supported and loved at a difficult time. But I just had a feeling there was a viable baby in the batch of embryos I received. Over and over again I looked at photos of my donor’s children, and imagined my own child with their coloring and features. Lately, Sunshine looks so much like her big brother, right down to the rosy cheeks he had at her age. Her hair color is smack in between the shades of her brother and sister’s hair. In other words, GORGEOUS!

Visit Write Mind Open Heart for more perspectives on the Dollars and $ense of Family Building and to add your own link to the blog hop by May 1, should you want to contribute your thoughts.