My Hard Earned Expertise And Other Miscellania

Two weeks ago yesterday I was walking home from daycare with Sunshine when we met a woman walking her golden retriever. We usually stop to say hello to the neighborhood dogs, as I don’t want Sunshine to grow up being afraid, and I want her to learn how to approach them safely. So I asked my usual question. “Is it a friendly dog?” “Oh, yes, Zena loves children!”

Well, this dog had pretty much the same color fur as Sunshine’s hair. So I asked her, “What color is Zena’s fur?” “Sawberry bond.” (That’s strawberry blonde, for those not fluent in toddler.) We laughed at her adorableness. The woman was completely enchanted by Sunshine. “Oh, she’s wonderful! You’re so lucky!” she gushed. I agreed, and told her that I’d waited a long time for her. Her expression changed. “Did you use fertility treatments?” So I gave her the abbreviated version of our story. “I’m single, too, “ she confided. “And my first IUI is tomorrow!”

We exchanged contact info and I wished her luck. Since then via text and phone I have guided her more than her RE. (Duh!) Explaining that when calculating days post ovulation, ovulation day is day 0. Reassuring her that the pink spotting these last two days is probably irritation from the progesterone suppositories. Laughing to myself that she had no idea about taking multiple HPTs to watch the line get darker. She got a faint line on a FRER on Tuesday, then a neg on a digital on Wednesday, so I assured her that digital tests are notoriously less sensitive. She didn’t want to spend more money on HPTs (CRAZY, I KNOW!), so decided to wait until her beta, which is today. Waiting for the text.

Update: Negative beta. I'm calling it a chemical.

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Today was Dresden’s second beta. Not great, but not out of the game. Please go over and giver her some love.

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Magpie Watch 2012 is ON! I can’t wait to hear that this long awaited little girl is here, and that mom and baby are well.

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Last Saturday morning Sunshine and I had a little dance party in our kitchen. Whenever we dance together I’m reminded of what a joy it is, and that we should do it more often. After dancing together, Sunshine did a solo dance. I know the video is a little long, but it’s worth it! Her moves at the end are great. Enjoy! (Please disregard the mess on my kitchen counters.)

You’re Invited! A Virtual Shower For Mo.

I am so blessed. Obviously, I’m so blessed with my amazing little girl, but I’m also blessed with wonderful friends. Friends who get it. I don’t differentiate between bloggy friends and other friends. If someone asks, I may say I know the friend through the internet, but I don’t offer up that information. My internet friends are not second tier friends. They’re just friends. Some of whom I’ve met face to face, and some I haven’t. I feel so lucky to count Mo as a friend. I’ll always remember our first face to face meeting, where we almost immediately began cracking dark jokes about cycling that may well have shocked anyone eavesdropping. She was the first person other than hospital staff and immediate family to hold my newborn. I was so happy to have dinner with her a few weeks ago and see her glorious baby belly.

And now I am so excited that she has agreed to my suggestion of a virtual baby shower. I have set up a separate blog for this: Waiting For Magpie: A Celebration. I would love it if you would write your congratulations to their family, or maybe the best bit of newborn advice you wish you'd known, or the odd baby gear you found invaluable, or whatever. Please email them to me at dorasblog@gmail.com, and I'll post each one as its own post. Let’s hop to it! This baby girl could arrive any time now! I’ll be writing my own post as soon as I have a little more time. (And also create a cute little header.) But I’ll put up the posts as they come in. So join the party!

Perfect Moment Monday: Conversations

Sunshine was a bit delayed with her speech. Her poor little ears were filled with goop until she had her surgery to remove her tonsils and adenoids, and drain her ears and insert ear tubes. That was done a month after her second birthday. Immediately she could hear so much better, and her speech took off. I’m just loving our conversations. Her enthusiasm, peeking into her thought process, watching her sense of humor develop, the give and take, it’s awesome.

As I’ve posted recently, I haven’t been feeling great lately, but I savor our increasingly nuanced conversations. They are wonderful perfect moments.

Last week as I pushed her in her stroller after leaving daycare, I asked if she wanted a banana.

“You have one?” she asked.

I stopped pushing the stroller and walked around to face her. “Would I ask you if you wanted one if I didn’t have one?”

“You have it in you bag?”

"Yes."

“You rock, Mama!”

And speaking of her sense of humor, I tried to get her to sing happy birthday to her cousin, and this is what I got. Cheeky girl!

I Should Have Done This Months Ago!

Had my epidural injections yesterday morning. It was very different than the epidural I got during labor. It was done under fluoroscopy, with fine needles on both sides of the spine. It hurt, but not as bad as I anticipated. Definitely not as bad as the facet injections I’ve had. The dr told me I’d be sore, and to expect the injections to take full effect in a few days. But even though I was quite sore, I felt the difference right away. I went home and took a long nap, then spent some time sorting through Sunshine’s clothes. Bagging up the outgrown items and organizing the Fall clothes. I’d done a little of this Sunday night, and was in a lot of pain just from folding things. Doing it yesterday evening was easy! I feel like a different person! There’s still some pain, but I’m reassured knowing I will probably feel even better in a few days.

Started Mobic (7.5mg) this morning. The three days leading up to the injections without NSAIDs convinced me that I really need to be on a strong anti-inflammatory. Thanks so much for all the support!

More

Tears again this morning when I saw that Mel had chosen my post for the Roundup. That was such a hard post to write. I have a whole bunch of posts partially written in my head, and several ideas jotted down in a draft, but I’ve been telling myself I need to write THIS post first. My readers are my friends, and I kind of feel like I’ve been lying by omission with posts about being exhausted and what a joy my daughter is (most of the time). Those things are true, but they aren’t a full picture.

Oh, I forgot to mention in my last post, re the suggestion about getting my vitamin D levels checked, I do get it checked somewhat regularly, but the comment was a good reminder to stay on top of it as the days get shorter and playground time dwindles.

Now maybe I can find the time to write about the “daddy” conversations Sunshine and I have been having, about still happily cosleeping with my toddler, about my minimalist attitude towards toys, about princesses and pretty, and so on. Any preferences as to what I should tackle first?

This morning Sunshine and I were watching a garbage truck from the window (are all toddlers somewhat fascinated by trucks?), when she gave me a big hug and said, “I love you so much, Mommy!” My back hurts, but my heart is full.

THANK YOU!

Your responses made me cry. Thank you so much for validating how I’m feeling. My family is somewhat nearby (about an hour by car), and they do help, but emotionally they are completely unsupportive. I should be used to it. Many years ago I had a chronic migraine problem. They would go on for weeks and months without a break. At one point I even had my dr try an inpatient treatment to break the headache cycle. I saw several top neurologists who specialized in headaches. Despite going to a few appointments with me at one point and having two different neuros tell my mother that, yes, they were migraines, and likely inherited from her side of the family, since they were not like the migraines she’d had, she didn’t believe me. When I told her about the possible fibro diagnosis, she said, “I doubt you have that. People with fibromyalgia are very fatigued.” I thought my head would explode. Seriously, what part of “I’m in a lot of pain, it hurts pretty much all over, and I’m exhausted,” did you not hear? Instead I’m admonished not to talk about my “aches and pains” in front of Sunshine. I am grateful for the help I get with Sunshine, but the emotional battering that comes with it is hard to take. And makes me a little paranoid about being taken seriously.

Regarding the info in the comments, again, THANK YOU! The dr I’m seeing now is a pain specialist (as was the last one I saw for this, the one who kept me waiting so long). The current dr did send me for autoimmune blood work a couple of months ago, which was negative. I also had a very thorough autoimmune workup with a hematologist both before I started IVF, and again during the first trimester of my pregnancy. So I’m not sure if it’s really necessary to see a rheumatologist right now. I will ask my dr about mobic, since two of you have suggested it. I take a LOT of ibuprofen these days. I’ve tried ce1ebrex in the past, and didn’t find it helpful, so I’m a little skeptical of a once a day anti-inflammatory, but I’m willing to give it a shot.

I need a vacation! It’s just not in the cards right now. I read about other SMCs going on vacations with their families, or getting invites to beach houses. To say a vacation with my family would be a disaster is an understatement. And we don’t have any friends with beach houses. As a city girl and a non-driver, the prospect of traveling with my toddler on my own is hugely daunting. At the moment, finances don’t permit anyway, but I keep joking that we’ll go on vacation when Sunshine is old enough to wheel her own luggage. Only I’m not really joking. I love to travel, and can’t wait to show Sunshine lots of wonderful places. But traveling with her right now sounds more stressful than staying home. It makes me sad, but on the other hand, as an older mom, I’ve already seen a lot of the world, so I don’t feel deprived in that way. And I don’t think Sunshine will grow up feeling deprived that she didn’t travel as a toddler. She enjoys plenty of cool local events and attractions. Now that I sometimes let her get out of her stroller in the subway, a subway ride is an awesome adventure.

Again, thanks for the support. I love you all!

Single Motherhood At My Age: My Reality

I love, love, love being a mom. I become more enchanted with my little girl every day. But, man, this is hard! I’ve been putting off writing this for a long time. Mostly due to time and energy constraints, but also for emotional reasons. I don’t want to complain when I truly feel lucky in so many ways. I’m dealing with a lot of pain issues that I’ve been reluctant to blog about. Even though I know many younger people deal with chronic pain, it makes me feel old. And I am old. I’m 49 years old with a spirited toddler! I put in a 40 hour week, plus 10 hours a week commuting, and daycare is almost half my take home pay. It’s frustrating at this point in my life to feel like each month I’m slipping a little further behind financially. It adds greatly to my stress level, which adds to my pain levels.

I’m stressed and don’t feel like I’m handling it well, yet I’m not depressed. My anxiety level is through the roof right now, but I think I manage to be in the moment with Sunshine most of the time. Work is miserable. I mostly like the work I do, but my workplace is a very unhappy place right now. I don’t think I’ve ever posted about my job. I’m a graphic designer for a sales division of a big media company. I mostly design ads for tv and the web. There was an executive shake up at the end of last year and things are incredibly tense. Like coworkers in tears tense. Everyone is on edge, and the higher ups are demanding more productivity with less support. But in this economy, we know we’re lucky to have these jobs. Sucks, but just the idea of trying to find something else terrifies me.

Regarding the chronic pain, I’ve had some back problems for years, but it wasn’t too bad until my pregnancy. You may remember that I needed foot surgery while I was pregnant. It added to the lower back problems during and after the pregnancy. I have arthritis and bulging discs in my lower back. Also in my neck, although that hasn’t been causing consistent pain like the lower back. And my feet, even after surgery, are not so good. I also have some bursitis in my hips, likely also an aftereffect of the pregnancy. I was seeing a doctor for it last year who did some injections (facet blocks) with varying success, but decided not to go back to her, as I was not happy with how her practice was run. Last time I had an appointment with her I waited in the waiting room and exam room for an incredibly long time. I was at her office for over FOUR HOURS. The resident examined me and spoke with me some, then the doctor breezed in and out in about five minutes. I was furious! All these pain issues are connected, and without discussing pain other than my lower back, she was not getting a full picture. I recently went to someone new who gave me a tentative diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Apparently there are eighteen points on the body that are checked for tenderness if fibromyalgia is suspected. If there is pain or tenderness in at least eleven of those points, fibro is likely. I have pain in all eighteen points.

There are systemic treatments, but I’m not willing to experiment with the side effects while dealing with full time work and a toddler. So I’m trying to deal with areas that I can have treated, while hoping that if some areas feel better, my overall pain levels with go down. I had some cortisone injected in my hips last month and got some relief, but I think I’ll need another round in a few months to bring those levels down further. Next week I’m trying an epidural injection to try to get relief from the lower back pain. For the last few weeks my entire back has been tight with muscle spasms, but I suspect the mid and upper back pain is a muscular reaction to the lower back issues.

Oh, and let’s add in a little extra stress with an emergency visit to the ophthalmologist yesterday for what turned out to be a scratch on my cornea.

UGH! Can you see why I’ve been reluctant to post this? I feel like a whiner. I feel ancient. IT HURTS! It means I’m not always as patient with Sunshine as I’d like to be. It means I try to curb messy playing at home because I don’t have the energy to do the extra cleaning. It means I’m probably not performing as well as I should on my job, which scares me.

I have absolutely no regrets about becoming a single mother by choice, but when does it get easier?